Forum Replies Created
September 3, 2019 at 9:57 am in reply to: Confusing People! #310151
As it has been already noted, any “friend” who puts down, talks how lame other friends are is someone whose negativity and lack of integrity is part of who she is. That is not a friend in my opinion. I stay away from anyone who is so judgmental.
MarkSeptember 3, 2019 at 9:43 am in reply to: Separating, living together – wife has new relationship #310147
This living situation is highly unhealthy not only for you but especially the children. You are setting an example of your willingness to be abused, put up with infidelity and financially enable her to do all this. You are playing the victim. If you have a son then he will see you as the model of what it is to be a man. If you have a daughter, she will see your wife as the model of how to treat a man.
I believe a lot of parents think they are doing the right thing by keeping the family together, not changing their situation. Rarely they look at the long term impact on children. There is a trade off between stability and handling an unhealthy situation by experiencing some pain and disruption.
MarkSeptember 2, 2019 at 10:38 pm in reply to: Should I tell him I know he is with someone? #310091
I wonder from you not wanting to know about his romantic life is because you are ready to move on and not be involved with him anymore?
MarkSeptember 2, 2019 at 6:33 pm in reply to: He asked me to be his gf before but now he said he is not ready #310069
This is a great experience by adding to your wisdom in how to “do” relationships. It does not matter who wants the romantic relationship if it is so soon. Whether he or you saying you want to be boy/girlfriends and exclusive, the other person should throttle that back and take it slower. The proper response is “let’s see how we are after 6 months of dating.”
The two words that have high level of misinterpretation are “friends” and “love.” People rarely know what that means in practice and usually don’t have the same idea which each one means.
My suggestion remains: Go let him “go figure it out” while you move on by having a full life without him. If he comes back then you are responsible for taking upon yourself in pinning down what sort of relationship both you and he wants and what that looks like.
MarkSeptember 2, 2019 at 4:57 pm in reply to: Should I tell him I know he is with someone? #310059
I am sorry that you feel stupid. I believe we are subconsciously programmed by our family-of-origin upbringing. I believe that from that, we unconscious about who we attract in our lives and the choices we make despite our best of our intentions. So please give yourself a break. You were as cautious as you could be in this. I suggest that a takeaway lesson in this is not to be the one who puts yourself out as much in doing the listening, understanding, and supporting. I suspect this is your M.O., probably your way of “keeping” a man in your life. A lot of women behave like that for you are the gender that is the nurturer. Society “raises” you do do that.
You said you never had a relationship with him but you did. You talked for hours. You had visits and dinners together. You can communicate what sort of relationship you want from him next time you talk. You can be clear, direct and specific. He can respond if he wants the same or not. Part of your direct communication, you can set the parameters of the kind of contact, the frequency of contact you want. Again, it’ll be up to him to decide if he wants meet your needs or not.
MarkSeptember 1, 2019 at 11:30 pm in reply to: He asked me to be his gf before but now he said he is not ready #309955
You met this guy a month ago, i.e. 4 weeks ago. Within 2 weeks since meeting, he barely has time to spend with you.
You don’t know what to do? Let him take the lead if he wants to talk/message/be with you. Go about with your life. It seems premature to have any sort of relationship whether it is romantic or a friendship within 2 weeks of meeting a stranger.
His message is spot on since you don’t know him. You love the idea of him or just the idea of a boyfriend or the idea of a romance. Take in his message rather than focusing on this idea of love.
Create a life for yourself. Focus on improving yourself. Focus on creating friendships or nurturing the ones you have. Focus on meaningful and/or fun activities.
MarkSeptember 1, 2019 at 11:23 pm in reply to: Things were going great, all of a sudden she needs space and wants to break up? #309953
Quid Pro Quo – a favor for a favor. You said you did so much for your ex but never getting anything back. You offered housing and help in getting a job. I assume she did not ask for either.
What I am observing all those offers come with strings attached. You wanted something in return. Hence my quid pro quo mention. Women know that when men offer something, especially something generous, they know that implicitly or explicitly that men want something for it.
MarkSeptember 1, 2019 at 10:04 am in reply to: Sent apology to the girl I cut contact five years ago. I need some advice please #309911
I’m not sure what you are asking of this group here. You reached out to this woman who you had a “fling” with. She responded how much you hurt her and how you ruined all subsequent relationships. She wants to try again but is afraid of getting hurt again. You sent an apology.
You did not say you wanted to try again as well in your apology. Is that true?
What has changed within you since that relationship? How have you matured? What relationship skills have you acquired/developed since then?
There are no guarantees in any relationship. I believe she needs to do her own work in order to heal. It takes more than you being nicer to do that.
MarkAugust 31, 2019 at 3:56 pm in reply to: Things were going great, all of a sudden she needs space and wants to break up? #309865
Interesting that you said that the ghosts of both your past relationships are haunting both of you. That tells me that neither of you really processed, examined or learned from them. What was your role in why the relationship did not work. What makes you a different person now? What do you still need to work on?
I cannot analyze the “why” of her wanting to bail. My take on any failed relationship is that if the relationship does not work then there is a good reason why it does not.
I am sure she is sensitive about a controlling man since I assume that her father is. When you said that you don’t like her guy friend because HE let her drink too much, then that sounds like you are taking responsibility off of her. I would think that is possessive and controlling attitude on your part.
From reading in between the lines, it seems you show love through the Acts Of Service love language. You mentioned how much you did for your ex (I did so much for my ex-girlfriend and I got nothing out of it) and what you have offered to do for this girl, e.g. rent free housing, job hunting help. That can seem like looking for Quid Pro Quo and that may have caused either/both girlfriends be leery of your offers.
Plus you said that you are not use to being ignored. It sounds like you need a lot of attention from your girlfriends. That’s hard for an introvert who would need space and alone time.
Regardless, who knows the real reason why she does not want to be with you anymore. She has a troubled upbringing and as you said, ghost or a bad history.
MarkAugust 31, 2019 at 9:51 am in reply to: My friend and colleague has become very annoying #309855
It is one thing to “joke” and another thing is to undermine your ideas, etc. related to your work. Those things should be separate. Be direct about letting him know that you boundary is for him not to comment on your work.
His behavior is because he is insecure. I am not sure if you can use that to your advantage by making him an ally and letting him know that you want to support him but regardless you need to set hard boundaries with him and let him know that such behavior is unacceptable when it comes to work.
MarkAugust 30, 2019 at 10:29 pm in reply to: If a man plays games you does that mean he don't like you? #309839
Are you talking about your FWB who is also almost 50 yrs old? What sort of “head games” are you talking about?
MarkAugust 30, 2019 at 1:02 pm in reply to: Should I be jealous that my fwb is in a wedding tomorrow? #309785
I am not sure what you are jealous of. Are you jealous of the lack of time you have with your FWB? Are you jealous that your FWB is going to the wedding without you?
I believe whatever feelings we have, they are all legitimate. I sense that this is part of a larger issue.
MarkAugust 30, 2019 at 10:13 am in reply to: Why would he ask me to call just not to answer? #309771
You are asking the wrong person. Why don’t you ask your FWB?
I go by the maxim: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
After the first couple of times of him not answering then stop calling him.
MarkAugust 29, 2019 at 2:08 pm in reply to: Why did he feel the need to tell his cousin we had sex? #309683
You can ask him on the “why” but ultimately it does not matter. What matters is what you want from him when it comes to having a respectful and kind relationship.
MarkAugust 29, 2019 at 1:51 pm in reply to: When someone says "You've gained weight" #309675
Impressive in how you turned that comment around to make it useful for you.
Regardless, I encourage you to stand up for yourself and call people out on their rudeness and unasked for comments.
There is a saying about communication: Only say something after answering these 3 questions – Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?