Forum Replies Created
January 22, 2018 at 3:46 pm in reply to: Is he losing interest, or am I overthinking? #188191
I would look at your pattern of driving men away. What is the common thing about that? Is it the type of men that you attract and are attracted to? Is there something each has said for the reason why it was not working for them? Each relationship is a learning opportunity to know more about yourself.
Have you read the Five Languages of Love? Google that. It seems that you need Quality Time as the primary language. Plus you might want to check into Attachment Styles (anxious, avoidant, secure). https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test
My guess is that you are an Anxious attachment person.
These things are good to know when you are in relationship, knowing why you react and feel the way you do and how to communicate with your partner.
Going back to your now defunct relationship, communicating how much and what kind of communication you desired would have been useful.
There are always going to be differences and different needs/wants between partners, the key is to be able to communicate and understand each other so that you each can deal with the differences and help with each other’s needs/wants.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 2:06 pm in reply to: Is this the end for my 12 years relationship? #188177
You will be living a dishonest life if you stayed with her. You are lying to her. You will be staying with her out of pity. What sort of relationship is that, for you and for her?January 22, 2018 at 2:00 pm in reply to: My boyfriend doesn't have his shit together. #188175
I cannot see how anyone really changes by having someone else tell them that they should change, even if it is presented as encouragement.
I see it takes more.
I am interested if I’m wrong in this case.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 1:57 pm in reply to: A Different Perspective #188173
You said you don’t want a divorce because you care for him like a family member. That may be true but he is someone you don’t want as a husband which is different from being a family member. Your pet dog is a family member. Your Uncle Bob is a family member. You still care for family members without being married to him or living with him.
My view to your statement of making a vow to your husband is that a marriage vow is a commitment not a prison sentence. Nothing is forever for life changes, people change. It’s a contract that can be renegotiated in my opinion because of what changes. I think that the Buddhist view is that everything is temporary, i.e. “impermanence” and attachment is the cause of suffering.
You listed Cons on why you don’t want to divorce him. One is that he’ll be really hurt. First and foremost you are not responsible for his feelings. Second you are worried what might be, i.e. that there will be bitter feelings. You mean him having bitter feelings, not you? Again that is his responsibility on how he views that and how he handles it. He has played a big part in the reason why you want a divorce. Your third reason on why he might ignore the terms of the divorce is another “what if” scenario. That reason is why you have a divorce lawyer.
I work on living my life from love rather than fear. Your Cons are from fear. Your Pros are out of love for yourself.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 1:27 pm in reply to: Not feeling pretty enough for my boyfriend #188163
What is his purpose of following such girls? To lust after them? To create fantasies about them?
If they are not his personal friends then I would think it would be a gesture of respect and care for you that he does not follow those girls.
Plus what anita has said about having that Core Belief, that sense of self esteem is critical for you in being in any sort of relationship. It’s about loving yourself. Work on that. You can Google ways of doing that. It is an inside out job for you will be never enough for anyone until you feel that about yourself.
By the way, my physical preference for women are those with small boobs and butt.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 12:39 pm in reply to: 20-year-old brother who does not do anything, help? #188153
There is a reason why the phrase “tough love” and the word “enabling” exist.
There is the fear of “what if” if you or your mother don’t do things for your brother but can you really predict if that is really the best for him? Making decisions out of fear is not the best approach in making the best decisions.
You cannot control your mother and my guess is that she would rather enable his irresponsible behavior than kick him out.
It is painful to stand by and witness your mum doing things that are not good for her financially (and emotionally). I am highly doubtful that you can influence any change with her or your brother.
No real useful advice here. I believe that the only person I can control is oneself.January 22, 2018 at 12:12 pm in reply to: Help Me Find Peace with Myself #188145
I agree with anita.
Deal with your obsessive thoughts, anxiety and depression first.
If you want to care for a child then there are programs like Big Brother.
You said so yourself, “I am nearly certain that I do not want to raise a child.”
Then don’t. Go forth to address those inner aspects that are keeping you from being emotionally healthy and make the world a better place.
January 22, 2018 at 12:07 pm in reply to: what does he want from me? #188137
- This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Mark.
Move on. Find someone else who does not take up your emotional energy and time.
This is not a friend. This is someone who wants to fulfill his needs, emotional and otherwise without the necessity of a commitment.
No matter what he says, I am skeptical that he has changed. It is not something a person can wake up and decide to be different. I believe such issues as his takes prolonged and committed effort with a therapist to address such deep seated issues.
My two cents.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 11:55 am in reply to: He does not want a commitment and not sure of a future #188129
He gave you his answer. You only have yourself to blame by staying in a relationship that has no future. You are keeping yourself from having a real committed relationship with someone who values you in all ways.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 11:40 am in reply to: How do I forgive him? #188125
It seems like you are staying with him and living a reduced life in order to keep him happy. What about your life?
I believe that loneliness is one of the worst excuses to stay in a bad relationship. Make friends with yourself. Go out and make friends. Find activities that give you pleasure. Join clubs, church. Sit with yourself and meditate on your loneliness (this is a Buddhist-flavored website after all).
You may have PTSD from how your body is reacting (anxiety, sleep disorder, heart pounding, etc.). Go to therapy for yourself. There are sliding scale therapists especially around schools who have counseling programs. You are not doing yourself any favors by living with someone who abused you and keeping yourself from the rest of the world.
With your parents, it seems if you want support, you need to take charge of your own life first and take steps toward a healthy life.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 11:20 am in reply to: Anger Towards Loved One #188123
I agree with Anita. Yes you like to see people happy but are you? Do you feel responsible to make him happy? Do you love yourself enough to take care of your happiness first?
It does not sound like he is getting help (medication, therapy) to deal with his bipolar/depression. He is putting the burden of his behavior on you.
Regardless if the disease is talking (the way he talks to and treats you poorly) or not, the bottom line is that you are living a life that tolerates behavior that makes you unhappy.
I have reconciled that for some people I can love from a distance. I don’t have to be in their lives in order love them.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 11:07 am in reply to: Person I love takes drugs #188121
Many of us confuse “judging” with living in integrity with our values. You value a lifestyle that is not destructive (it is not only Self-destructive but it negatively affects people around the addict). You don’t need to accept his drug use.
First and foremost act in love for yourself. How can you best take care of yourself? It is being aligned with your values and loving yourself if you not want to be around someone who is living a life that negatively impacts your peace of mind especially when you are a recovering addict.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 10:57 am in reply to: Am i throwing away 'mature love'? #188119
It is natural that there is a loss of the feeling of “love” as the relationship ages.
We tend to grow complacent and take things/our partner for granted.
The literature tells us to put variety (“spice”) into the relationship by varying how you interact with each other, by doing different activities, by showing how you care for each other.
There is mindfulness where you consciously love. Love is a verb.
A gratitude journal is a proven method to help increase happiness. Try doing that specifically on what you are grateful for with your partner.
MarkJanuary 22, 2018 at 10:51 am in reply to: After he cheated and did other things I want to leave but I can't #188117
You can make the decision whether to live your life from fear or from love (for yourself).
You have fear of being alone. You are already “alone” for he is not committed to the relationship and you.
You need help. Therapy will help.
Quit angsting about it. Take charge of your life and go do something to help yourself move into a healthier mindset and life.
MarkJanuary 19, 2018 at 2:21 pm in reply to: Adult daughter and my craziness #187677
Anyone looking from the outside in would tell you to kick your daughter and son-in-law out and get another counselor.
Your feeling worthless, rejected, frustrated and unhappy are all signs that your life is not working.
Your living situation are the external factors contributing to it. The internal factors are your self worth which does not seem that your current therapist is helping in.
I know that solutions are easier to say than to do.
Wish you well.