Em,

You said you don’t want a divorce because you care for him like a family member.  That may be true but he is someone you don’t want as a husband which is different from being a family member.  Your pet dog is a family member.  Your Uncle Bob is a family member.  You still care for family members without being married to him or living with him.

My view to your statement of making a vow to your husband is that a marriage vow is a commitment not a prison sentence.  Nothing is forever for life changes, people change.  It’s a contract that can be renegotiated in my opinion because of what changes.  I think that the Buddhist view is that everything is temporary, i.e. “impermanence” and attachment is the cause of suffering.

You listed Cons on why you don’t want to divorce him.  One is that he’ll be really hurt.  First and foremost you are not responsible for his feelings.  Second you are worried what might be, i.e. that there will be bitter feelings.  You mean him having bitter feelings, not you?  Again that is his responsibility on how he views that and how he handles it.  He has played a big part in the reason why you want a divorce. Your third reason on why he might ignore the terms of the divorce is another “what if” scenario.  That reason is why you have a divorce lawyer.

I work on living my life from love rather than fear.  Your Cons are from fear.  Your Pros are out of love for yourself.

Good luck,
Mark

Samantha,

There is a reason why the phrase “tough love” and the word “enabling” exist.

There is the fear of “what if” if you or your mother don’t do things for your brother but can you really predict if that is really the best for him?  Making decisions out of fear is not the best approach in making the best decisions.

You cannot control your mother and my guess is that she would rather enable his irresponsible behavior than kick him out.

It is painful to stand by and witness your mum doing things that are not good for her financially (and emotionally).  I am highly doubtful that you can influence any change with her or your brother.

No real useful advice here.  I believe that the only person I can control is oneself.

Move on.  Find someone else who does not take up your emotional energy and time.

This is not a friend.  This is someone who wants to fulfill his needs, emotional and otherwise without the necessity of a commitment.

No matter what he says, I am skeptical that he has changed.  It is not something a person can wake up and decide to be different.  I believe such issues as his takes prolonged and committed effort with a therapist to address such deep seated issues.

My two cents.

Mark

It seems like you are staying with him and living a reduced life in order to keep him happy.  What about your life?

I believe that loneliness is one of the worst excuses to stay in a bad relationship.  Make friends with yourself.  Go out and make friends.  Find activities that give you pleasure.  Join clubs, church.  Sit with yourself and meditate on your loneliness (this is a Buddhist-flavored website after all).

You may have PTSD from how your body is reacting (anxiety, sleep disorder, heart pounding, etc.).  Go to therapy for yourself.  There are sliding scale therapists especially around schools who have counseling programs.  You are not doing yourself any favors by living with someone who abused you and keeping yourself from the rest of the world.

With your parents, it seems if you want support, you need to take charge of your own life first and take steps toward a healthy life.

Good luck,
Mark

Dear carolinavu9:

Many of us confuse “judging” with living in integrity with our values.  You value a lifestyle that is not destructive (it is not only Self-destructive but it negatively affects people around the addict).  You don’t need to accept his drug use.

First and foremost act in love for yourself.  How can you best take care of yourself?  It is being aligned with your values and loving yourself if you not want to be around someone who is living a life that negatively impacts your peace of mind especially when you are a recovering addict.

Mark

Reve,

You can make the decision whether to live your life from fear or from love (for yourself).

You have fear of being alone.  You are already “alone” for he is not committed to the relationship and you.

You need help.  Therapy will help.

Quit angsting about it.  Take charge of your life and go do something to help yourself move into a healthier mindset and life.

Mark

It must be hard to know that you have been treated poorly and that you cannot do anything about it.

I believe for all of us is how we value ourselves is reflected with the people we have in our lives.

I believe that if I value myself then I would not tolerate someone who mistreats me.

It sounds like that is really hard to do for you.  I get that.  You are young.  He is your first romantic relationship.  You are still trying to figure out who you are, how you fit into this world, and how other people are.

I see every relationship is a learning opportunity about ourselves.

If you want advice, I am sure you will get plenty; from here and from your real life friends and family.

I believe it will be useful for you to understand who you are.  If you don’t know what your core values are, what is important to you, what you stand up for and what you will not tolerate then dealing with life and the people in your life will be hard and confusing.

For me, it is about loving myself.  For me, it is about integrity and honesty.  For me, it is trusting that I am enough and that I am lovable.

I wish you love and peace.