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anita,
wow thank you so much for sharing so much about you. I wonder if we will ever cross paths in life – this tiny buddha website has enabled my sister and I to speak with such a beautiful soul (you!)
When I read about your life, it helps me realize HOW MUCH we really have to heal as humans. Your husband must be a very supportive man, I hope, and am very happy for you. Going through what you have gone through with your mother, what is your relationship like with the current children in you life?
Your life work is healing. Do you ever crave a social life? (Indulgent activities, in other words, that you have stated you do not participate in) Or straying from your daily routine?
Remember, your life work is healing – but you are also helping the healing of others. Which is amazing.
Continuing on with what you said about my mother – APPEARANCE IS EVERYTHING. My sister and I were just discussing that so much of our life is governed this concept. and that every little thing is a reflection of who we are as people.
if i dont get to bring my puppy to the dog park, it automatically makes me a bad person. sometimes it is so hard to focus on just the fact that the puppy is having a good time at the dog park – rather than thinking “ok i did what i had to do. i brought him out so he can get energy out” – everything is a chore and there is always a categorization that comes after it. no way to just be.
also, i want to add a revelation i came across yesterday. my father and mother have always put so much influence on the outside/the external – as you know. everything is about other people. so for example, with social life, they would always claim “well even if you do not like them, just use them to go shopping and then who cares.” When rather the thought process should be, this person may not be your best friend or the BEST PERSON EVER! – BUT you do enjoy shopping with them – and as you, anita, have taught me we are social beings – SO – if you want to go shopping with this person it may be enjoyable for YOU. it is not about the other person or using them etc. it is just about you.
anita,
I also wanted to add that since my mother has told me i am so damaged, i have an even increased pressure to be social and make friends. she has made making friends such a big focus and priority to me that i may even focus more on it that studying for an exam that is important for my career.
i wanted to touch on this because it is very interesting to see and differentiate the emphasis my mother has put on friends when it comes to me and my sister.
“i never had friends. make sure you do. it is not good for other people to see you are lonely. maybe when you go to college you can actually make friends. oh, you have no one to hang out with? oh did you go there alone. you have no friends.”
SO MUCH EMPHASIS on finding people and making sure i have friends. i may have written this before but when our cleaning lady came every Tuesday growing up – my mother would put an insane amount of pressure on me to make sure taylor or rachel were free to come over. “make sure you have a friend when maria comes over. or else it will look bad.” so there i was, scrambling, desperately asking people if they could hang out with me – because i HAD to. not because i wanted to. this is still drilled in me. i feel like i hAVE to. if i did not have plans on a certain night, it automatically made me a loser.
she also made me feel that not having good friendships was so HORRIBLY SAD – because “oh my, we have such great qualities and there is no one around to even appreciate it.” I used to feel like “wow, I could be such a good friend and I am so fun etc. But no one is even seeing that or able to experience it. this sucks.”
mother’s words: “oh my daughter cali chica always had so many friends. cali chica is outgoing and laughs so much. cali sister, yeah she has problems with that”
i always felt like the weird one. the ugly one. the quiet one that no one likes. cali chica – shes the perfect, social, queen. Me? I have “social problems”
No, I freakin’ don’t mom.
anita,
I understand.
Today, I have a big presentation. I had one last week and did amazing – got really positive feedback. Because of this, I have a lot of anxiety about today? will it be just as good? The audience for today is much larger as well. My anxiety is off the roof! Here the negative talk comes. The inability to focus. The presentation is in 3 hours!
Also, I love NSC. Maybe i’ll make a painting of it and hang it up. The NSC Club !
anita and sis,
a couple months ago, sister, I told you about a thought I had. I stated – “do you ever thing maybe mom was just always like this? like maybe she’s just a bad person ..since ALWAYS. so maybe it isnt right for us to be sad that all these bad things MADE her this way. maybe she is just a cruel person”
and this is why i stick to dad. the fact that he abused our mother – well i have no idea how to even think of that..because i guess that makes him evil too? inherently? or was it just normal culturally to do that..so its ok? i have no idea how to even process that…although it seems so obviously black and white..RIGHT VS WRONG. it is not.
BUT, our father was not cruel to us the way mother was. not emotionally abusive growing up. now, yes. but he was never evil the way she was. he had anger issues yes. but it was not directed towards us on purpose like hers was.
anita,
I have a hard time believing that C is a bully. I never thought about it that way. Is that not severe? And in that case, if she is, it makes me feel like this-
How come I cannot just meet a normal friend or person? OR does that normal friend not exist (not possible because everyone has issues) and the issue at hand is my reaction to people. And if my reactions changed, I would be able to have better relationships with people? In other words, if i was not absorbing her energy etc, maybe I would have no issues with her friendship and not even notice all of those 14 things I wrote?
What do you think I should do about C? Yesterday was the first time we did not speak all day since about a month.
Also you say there is a gap between her self-image and actual self. Sometimes I wonder if I am like that. I do not think I am though.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 