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YueParticipantHi Kyniska,
Of all the things you wrote, this one sentence stood out for me:
“But when I think about having faith in myself, it always meant to me that I wouldn’t mess things up, or at least that I would mess up way less.”
Considering the number of decisions we make every day, it would be safe to say that everyone mess things up on a regular basis. The reason why we tend to hold ourselves to impossible standards is because of that little voice in our mind that criticizes everything we do without offering anything positive in return. It prevents us from being vulnerable to other people, undermines our achievements and tells us that it’s ok to stay miserable as long as we don’t have to risk feelings of failure and disappointment. Wouldn’t life be a lot more productive if the voice in our mind is a cheerleader instead of a judge?
To me, having faith is about having the courage to make a mess of things, learn from it and have a laugh about it afterwards. When we make decisions, we can only go by what information is avaialble at the time and as a result, there is no such thing as the “right” decision. Instead kicking yourself for making msitakes, see them as lessons and an investment to your future self. I cannot count the number of occassions that I felt terrible in the moment but when I look back, I realised that’s exactly what I needed to move forward. If you want to silence that voice of judgement get out of your head and live in your body. Feel the sunlight on your skin, smell the fresh air and listen to the rhythm of you heart through excercises. You will find that life is a lot better when you are an active participant.
January 15, 2015 at 2:38 pm in reply to: Help me please! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from extra-marital affair #71400YueParticipantHi Matt,
You have demonstrated some amazing insight into your behaviour and made signficiant progress into your recovery. Instead of letting your need to control your behaviour (e.g. asking your wife to delete her Facebook account), you can recognise that a) it is not going to help and b) that it is likely to feed into your negative emotions. I agree with K Schmidt in that you should probably delete Facebook from your phone and computer (though your partner should keep hers) because it is a lot easier to relapse into that behaviour when the temptation is all around you. Like any addiction, the first few weeks will be tough but as you stop feeding the beast, it gets weaker and weaker by the day until it no longer hold sway on you.
It sounds like you still have emotions to process from your past relationship and unless it is acknowledged and given time to grief, it will sneak up on you on the worst possible moments. I remember once reading something that our mind is like a garden and if we are not vigilant in weeding out negative thoughts, they will eventually kill all the flowers. Try to start a day off with positive thoughts, such as the things that you feel greatful about in life as they have a way of shaping how we feel for the rest of the day. At the evening before you go to bed, think about the events of the day and how you feel about those things. At the end of the day, allocate a bit of time to go through the what happend that day and how you feel about certain events. For example, when you had dinner with your wife, you felt threatened by the other guests in the resturant. But instead of judging yourself thinking what a silly thought it is or what is wrong with you for feeling this way, sit with that feeling and tease out what instigated that emotion. Once you understand it, reframe it into a positive light. For example, you acknowledge that your wife is a beautiful woman and of all the people she could have been with, she choosed to share her heart and her life with you. Therefore, there must be something about you that she finds appealing. This probably includes some of the things that you consider as “flaws” because when someone is willing to show their vulnerability to another person, it demonstrates a lot of trust and courage.
YueParticipantBased on what you said, it sounds like that everytime something happens, you are the one who has to adjust your life style to suit his needs. When you were pregnant, you had to have the abortion. When you found out that he was cheating, you were the one who ended up having to apologise and over look his ways even though you felt terrible on the inside. When you wanted a relationship while he is not ready to commit, you are the one who had to question why you are not enough for him. Now you have to change your application for work because of a decision he made and even after all that you have been through, he’s still not sure whether he wants to be in a relationship.
Is this how you would treat your soulmate?
So I agree with Maggie here is that you should get away as soon as possible as you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect. Even if you want to salvage the relationship with this person, he is too used to getting his way and it will probably be difficult to trust him due to past histories.
YueParticipantHi Jeff,
When someone we love is no longer in our life, it is quite natural to think back on what we can do to change the outcome but I agree with Doreen in that actions speaks lounder than words. For your wife to make a decision like this, she would have thought it through and it is unlikely that her opinion will be swayed by words alone. If heated argument is an issue, it is probably unwise to confront her in anyway since that will only re-affirm her decision in this regard.
The other thing to consider too is if you write a letter to her and she didn’t respond in a way that you expect her to you are only opening yourself up to more heart aches, not the mention the anxieties you will feel while waiting for a response. So instead of worring about her opinion, focus on yourself and if the changes are effective, people will notice without you saying anything. If she comes back in a few months time, great. If not, you would have made the foundations to move on in your life.
Hope it works out for you.
YueParticipantHi Alyssa,
I must say I admire you conviction of making that decision, even though you know that you have to start over again. When we hit rock bottom, we either choose to stay in it because it’s a comfortable disaster, go even further down the slide or say “you know what, I’m sick of this crap” and walk. To be able to make that last choice demonstrates that you are aware of your self worth and have the courage to venture into the great unknown despite the forces set against you. The first step is the hardest to take in any change and it’s something to be proud of.
You mentioned that you tend to over analyse things and I’ve got to admit that I do quite a bit of this myself. The thing I try to remember is that though it’s rational to think things through, over analysing things usually lead to a lot of self doubt and self judgement that ends up drowning out the sound of intuition. Another reason why some people over analyse situations is to maintain a sense of control, in that we belief that if we think about it enough, we can make it work. That again, is a fallacy because there are situations that no matter what you do, it is not going to work because of factors outside of your control.
So what to do? The one thing that I find helpful in avoiding the over analysing trap is to be present and live in the moment instead of worrying the past or the future. For example, if I am writing a job application, I will allocate a time and put everything into it but once it’s done, it will be out of my mind until I get a call for an interview. A lot of what you do like drawing and writing are great ways to do this and when I find that I am “in my head” while walking or doing something else, I take a deep breath and come back into the present. It requires practice and constant vigilance at the begining but it gets easier over time.
YueParticipantSometimes when we encounter painful situations, we do our best to distract ourselves to ease the pain like alcohol, gambling or another relationship. The trouble is, once that distraction is gone, we are in a worst position than before because now we have to deal with the crutch as well as the initial problem. Since most of what you wrote focus on relationship, my question is how are the other aspects of your life at the moment? Are you in a career that you are happy with? Do you have a hobby you enjoy that helps you ease the stress of everyday life? Do you have a group of friend that you can confide in that aren’t potential relationship partners?
January 8, 2015 at 3:34 pm in reply to: How to forgive yourself when you ruin someone else's life? #70912YueParticipantHi Irene,
If you want to meet people, Inky highlighted some great ideas. I find that a good way to ease into making new friends is by interracting with people in a meaningful way in day to day life. For example, when you buy something in a shop, ask the shop keeper about their day and get to know them a bit. It doesn’t have to be anythingdeep and meaningful, it’s just two human beings enjoying each other’s company. Once you started having a chart or even better, share a laugh with a stranger, you will be amazed at how much better your day becomes by these little moments of interraction.
Once you’ve become accustomed to making friends anywhere you go, you will be less attached to the thoughts and opinions of a single individual.
YueParticipantHere is a quote from Paulo Coelho that seems appropriate for this topic:
Ester asked why people are sad.
“That’s simple,” says the old man. “They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. They never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people’s ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams.”
― Paulo Coelho, The ZahirI agree with Chiwonk in that self discovery is a significant call in itself. At the moment, you have a unique opportunity to experience the world anew and instead of approaching something with set goals in mind, approach it with curiosity and a sense of adventure. Sometimes when we have set goals in mind, it limits our perspective and put undue pressure in the activities we engage in. When we approach something with curiosity and without judgement, we open our hearts to all kinds of possibilities.
Consider this: if you don’t have to worry about money, time, etc what would you do? Have a look around to see what activities are available that’s consistent to that idea and jump into it. If the activity is as fun as you imagined it to be, great. If not, it only means that you are one step closer to discovering what you are passionate about. Like any scientific experiments, it’s simply a process of elimination and if you see it as a grand adventure, you will have fun doing it as well.
January 7, 2015 at 2:01 pm in reply to: How to forgive yourself when you ruin someone else's life? #70798YueParticipantHi Irene,
For people with a drug addiction, stress is one of the key triggers for their relapses. It often start with something small, like using it recreationally to make the parties more fun but if they are using it to cope with bad times, it is an indicator that they are drug dependant. Over time, this will take away their ability to deal with problems in life and instead, they will continue to use drugs and/or blame others for their own mistakes. Though it’s true that you called the police, he was the one who broke the law. Remember that we are all responsible for our own choices and if you take the full blame for what happend, he can never use this as an opportunity to get out of his cycle.
After this incident, things will never be the same between the two of you because even if he contacts you again, the guilt will make you go out of your way to make the relationship work. For example, You said that perhaps you should not have tried to change him but is it really friendship to see someone we love doing something that is destroying themselves without saying anything? If this is the path you follow, it will only go on to destroy your self esteem even further as you will be suppressing your true feelings and second guessing yourself.
This may sound a bit harsh but if you are not happy with your own life, you are not in a position to help anyone else. If you really want to help this person, make sure that you are in a good stable place in your life first otherwise you will just get dragged into all the different dramas.
YueParticipantHi Volcomjeans,
Just because she likes that guy, it doesn’t mean he is a better man than you. When my ex broke up with me, she went out with someone who is much older than her (10 years), less attractive and less intelligent (her words not mine) who ended up cheating on her. I went through a period of pain wondering why she liked that guy and eventually realised that it’s not a matter of who is better but who she feels a stronger attraction to. We went for a second attempt after she broke up with that guy but even though we have a lot in common and shared a unique bond, it didn’t last as we are not compatible as partners. Similar to your situation, she offered to be friends but I cannot see myself as the “back up guy” or someone who hangs around hoping to have another shot through the friend zone or someone who can actually be friends with her. So even though I treasure our bond, I’ve decided to move on because it would have been incredibly unfair to myself to extend that pain. It’s not easy and I wondered about that decision quite a bit in the initial period but now that I had time to think about it, I feel that I’ve made the right decision.
It is said that when you are at your lowest point, your heart is open to the greatest changes. What you are feeling right now, this ball of energy that feels like it’s eating your heart is something that you can channel into something positive. Instead of drowning it or let it work against you (e.g. second guessing what you could have done to change the outcome), use it to make changes in your life that you have always wanted to make but never had the time/motivation to do so.
What define you as a person is never about what happend to you but how you handled the situation. When you look in the mirror, do you want to see someone who stayed in a relationship because of feelings of discomfort or someone who used this experience to become a better and more compassionate person? Make a decision that is consistent with who you are and you will not worry about who thinks what in a few months time.
YueParticipantHi Volcomjeans,
When we meet people that we click with, we generally know in an instant because everything feels natural and they appreciate you for who you are. If the she needs to think, deliberate and be convinced before she feels something for you, chances are she is not the one you are looking for. The reason why she got with this guy after a month is because she feels something compatible with this person that she didn’t feel for you. It has nothing to do with time, academic qualification, money, appearence etc which is why it seems so unfair. Having been on the recieving end of this myself, I can understand how frustrating this is but the question is, what are you going to do about it?
Personally, I don’t believe that it is selfish for you want to take your leave. How can you be in a relationship with someone when one party gets what they want (friendship) at the cost of what you want (relationship)? No matter how much you love this person, it is not worth having your self esteem kicked in the face everytime you see her and even if she breaks up with this guy, you will just end up as a shoulder to cry on until she meets another guy. Over time, you will eventually end up resenting her. So instead of holding on, let go. This will allow you to remember you time together fondly and move on to meeting someone who feels the same way about you.
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This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by
Yue.
January 3, 2015 at 5:45 pm in reply to: Looking for other ways of meeting women than online dating. Please share #70154YueParticipantIf it helps, very few of people attending those classes bring partners but just in case, make sure you check if it is essential to have one before paying. It’s one of the reasons why it’s such a great place to meet people and there are generally more women than men. 😉
January 3, 2015 at 3:27 pm in reply to: Looking for other ways of meeting women than online dating. Please share #70149YueParticipantHey Steve,
Have you considered joining a class, hobby or meet up group? They are generally not that expensive and even if you don’t meet someone, you will have a great experience learning something new and build your social circle. Dance classes are particularly good for meeting people, get a bit of exercise in and feel the and feel the rhythm of how to be with a woman. It took me a while to get over the fear but it’s totally worth it.
YueParticipantHey Emmakaru07,
Having been in a similar situation, I can emphasis with some of what you are going through. On one hand, you want to avoid being a tattertale but on the other, it’s like taking repeated emotional punches without the opportunity to fight back. In the end, I decided to say something in my exit interview because if I didn’t, he is just going to do it to someone else. Whether management did anything with that feedback is one thing but I can hold my head high because I did something about it.
If you are going down this path, a suggestion I have is that when providing feedback, the focus should be on the management style and how it affected your performance rather than how an individual (i.e. your manager) mistreated you. For example, instead of saying how your boss spread lies about you, consider rephrasing it to something like “when performance is poor, it is not always clear to the team what we can do to improve performance. This often lead to frustration and low morale within the team as we all wanted to do better but lack direction on how we can achieve this.”
Hope that helps and good luck with your next job.
YueParticipantHe Decime,
First off, let me say that it’s quite natural to want the things you want being a 20 year old guy (having been one myself). Whether ou will get any joy of these things…well it’s something that you have to find out yourself. One of the common themes I’ve noticed in both your options your focus on the outcome rather than the process (e.g. you enjoy soccer when you score a goal but hate the training). However, to reap the rewards that you crave, you need to be REALLY good at what you do and it is a lot harder to become proficient at something that you are not passionate about. This is because to excel in any field, you are going to hit a lot of walls and if you are not passionate about what you do, you will end up hating it. That’s why successful people are generally those who follow their passion (e.g. Steve Jobs and J.K. Rowling) rather than materialistic gains. Given your age, you still have time to look for what that passion is. Just look out for things that you simply enjoy doing rather than what you get out of it. If it is something that you can make money out of as well? Well that’s probably the career path you want to follow.
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This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by
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