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RobertaParticipant
Dear Tim
I am sorry that your relationship came to an end. You appear to have learnt a lot and have take good steps to improve your physical & mental wellbeing.
I guess you keep on looking after yourself for yourself and not with the goal of getting the lady back & I hope she is doing the same. Maybe you could wait until Christmas before you approach her by sending her a card maybe thanking her for the good things that she brings to this world & wishing her well for the future. She may of course reach out to you in the meantime.
RobertaParticipantHi
I just read Tilmar & Peter’s posts.
I have found that Thich Nat Han Walking meditation s are excellent particularly the one walking with the emotion. This is my go to one when strong emotion arises it acknowledges whats going on and soothes without suppressing of denying the emotion.
Peter your post reminded me of the song ” a horse with no name” by America
On the first part of the journey<br aria-hidden=”true” />I was looking at all the life<br aria-hidden=”true” />There were plants and birds and rocks and things<br aria-hidden=”true” />There was sand and hills and ringsThe first thing I met was a fly with a buzz<br aria-hidden=”true” />And the sky with no clouds<br aria-hidden=”true” />The heat was hot and the ground was dry<br aria-hidden=”true” />But the air was full of soundI’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name<br aria-hidden=”true” />It felt good to be out of the rain<br aria-hidden=”true” />In the desert you can’t remember your name<br aria-hidden=”true” />’Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain<br aria-hidden=”true” />La la la la la la…After two days in the desert sun<br aria-hidden=”true” />My skin began to turn red<br aria-hidden=”true” />And after three days in the desert fun<br aria-hidden=”true” />I was looking at a river bed<br aria-hidden=”true” />And the story it told of a river that flowed<br aria-hidden=”true” />Made me sad to think it was deadYou see I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name<br aria-hidden=”true” />It felt good to be out of the rain<br aria-hidden=”true” />In the desert you can’t remember your name<br aria-hidden=”true” />’Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain<br aria-hidden=”true” />La la la la la la…After nine days I let the horse run free<br aria-hidden=”true” />’Cause the desert had turned to sea<br aria-hidden=”true” />There were plants and birds and rocks and things<br aria-hidden=”true” />There was sand and hills and ringsThe ocean is a desert with its life underground<br aria-hidden=”true” />And a perfect disguise above<br aria-hidden=”true” />Under the cities lies a heart made of ground<br aria-hidden=”true” />But the humans will give no loveYou see I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name<br aria-hidden=”true” />It felt good to be out of the rain<br aria-hidden=”true” />In the desert you can’t remember your name<br aria-hidden=”true” />’Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain<br aria-hidden=”true” />La la la la la la…Thank you all very much<br aria-hidden=”true” />Take care of yourselves, take careMay 23, 2023 at 6:56 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #419093RobertaParticipantDear Dafne
I have been married twice and have a child from each one. I was also what could loosely be described as a Wild child.
I have come across several women who have struggled with intimacy due to parents being either cold or saying that sex is wrong/dirty & not to be enjoyed and definitely not to be indulged in before marriage. Also historically rape within marriage was not considered at all, you belonged to your husband and he could do almost what he liked whenever he liked, the woman just had to lay back and think of Britian! Womans sensuality has nearly always been ignored.
I have not a clue about predestination and I know that karma is a vast and complicated subject.
As for the man in question I would give him a wide berth as I doubt he will change his perception of women or even be interested in trying to.
In buddhism we have a precept about not indulging in sexual misconduct which I held for many years until I upgraded it to celibacy.
I wish you all the best
Roberta
May 22, 2023 at 5:51 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #419069RobertaParticipantDear Dafne
Have you considered sperm donation that way you can become a mother without having to wait find an obliging partner.
I have had a desire to become a buddhist nun for nearly 15 years and had hoped to achieve that by my 50th birthday ( a decade ago) my Lama said I would have to wait until I retire which means I have got another 8 years to go, but in the meantime I live as an undercover plain clothed nun, ie I dont consume alcohol or have sexual/romantic relationships.
Looking after my dad is now the focus of my spiritual practice as I do not have the time/freedom for much formal practice.
So I guess it is more about making the most of our present situation.
May 17, 2023 at 1:14 pm in reply to: I am afraid that my mental health issues will be the end of my relationship. #418840RobertaParticipantDear Karl
I would imagine to be in a polyamourous relationship one would have to not have any issues over jealousy.
If one has any issues or triggers that kind of open relationship would probably be a complete minefield.
I am not sure how this relationship will help you in the longterm with your healing unless you both agree on monogamy and you are also proactive on improving your wellbeing.
In future you both should make your communication clear and not try to second guess or read more into them to help stop further misunderstandings such as coming across as jealous or needy.
RobertaParticipantDear David
May I ask a couple of questions. Do you live with your girlfriend if not why? Have you two ever talked about important things such as marriage & children?
What have you learnt from this incident and what are you going to different in the future?
RobertaParticipantHi Tom
Yes those things can be frustrating. For those who are perpetually late just ask them to turn up half an hour before you actually want them to be there and say you will meet them inside at the venue that way you wont miss out. Or if they are inviting you around for supper, but it takes them hours to serve the meal have a snack before to stop the hangry effect. If you find there kitchen hygiene hard to stomach suggest eating out, maybe trying somewhere new or a shared offering between lots of you and just diplomatically and stealthy give their culinary dish a wide berth.
May 17, 2023 at 12:36 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #418821RobertaParticipantDear Dafne
My best friend moved abroad and I also can’t expand my love search to other places. I have to stay in my small town and help my elderly as they are in need. I feel stuck. I’m between helping them and trying to meet someone somewhere else before is too late.
I too live in a small place population 2000 aprox looking after now just 1 parent with dementia. So I am curious about the ” too late” for what? In what areas of your life do you feel unfulfilled?
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Tom
You talk of matters of concern have been communicated explicitly. What are these matters and are they your concerns or another family members concerns?
RobertaParticipantDear Tom
If you start to know yourself well it will help with strengthen your patience muscle. For instance when we are tired or hungry we have less tolerance. If you realise that after about say three hours being with family/friends your capacity is dropping then the next time try calling it quits after 2 hours so that you leave feeling good about them. Setting the aspiration to be patient before you meet up is a good. Read & learn about why it is good to have these qualities and how to foster them
RobertaParticipantHi Mia
No one should be threaten verbally and as you can see from your latest encounter a verbal slanging match only escalates itself it sows & water the seeds of anger in all parties mindstreams. These men are dangerous and poking a hornets nest is probably not such a wise thing to do.
I suggest that you look into non violent communication, helping to keep your dignity & integrity intact.
A comment like ” I see the potential in you to become a really nice person” rather than reminding these people that you hospitalized their friend might just start to turn their mind away from hatred and you are also not adding any poison into your mindstream.
RobertaParticipantDear Saggad.
I am so sorry that your loving & helping spirit was abused by this woman’s actions.
As you say at the moment & probably forever you will not get legal restitution and it is not a financial imperative either.
A radical rethink may help.
You initially had altruistic intention to help her by selling the car.
How would you feel if you thought that you gifted her the car & the apartment?
You can also make prayers for the health of her daughters and that the woman is happy & content, because a person who is truly happy & content will not steal or lie. Also wish that she may use any good fortune that she has to benefit others. You may think that this is a naive and unrealistic, but this is about restoring balance and healing to your mind.
What ever you do to heal will need to be done repeatedly each time the disturbing thoughts & memories occur.
RobertaParticipantDear Anna
I understand how worrying it can be when you are meeting up with a friend under different circumstances ( not staying with her) and unsure how the land lies between you emotionally.
May be you could suggest doing something that you both are interested/enjoy ie art gallery/ museum this will give you both something to focus on whilst you each find your footing with each other or if you dont have a joint interest choose something you know that she would enjoy, that way she will feel cared for & supported. She too is probably nervous about this meet up.
RobertaParticipantDear EvFran
I think that many young men suffer aimlessness as our society’s do not really have any rights of passage anymore to help them throw off the freedoms of childhood and move into taking their place as a useful adult within the tribe.
A pilgrimage/trek in nature may help to bring clarity. Nowadays there are many guided & or sponsored events catering for all abilities.
RobertaParticipantDear Tom
The positive traits that you mention like being on time make you a an ideal employee, workmate or friend ( you can be counted on) are great. It is annoying when others time keeping is somewhat lackadaisical. We also need good traits like patience, wisdom & compassion otherwise we can easily become hypercritical.
There is an old saying you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.
We have acquaintances, childhood friends, casual friends, good friends & best friends these may all become interchangeable over our lifetime. Also social media warps the view of how many “friends” we should have. Whats wrong with quality over quantity anyway?
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