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RobertaParticipantDear Spriteflower
My heart goes out to you. The trauma of your childhood is clearly impacting on your present life and I hope that you find a professional who can help you heal. Trauma sensitive yoga might help you become more relaxed and comfortable in your body.
You spent your early years feeling insecure as the people who should have been nurturing you were doing the exact opposite. So it is vital that you reconnect to your inner source of goodness which was not shown to you when you were young ,so you probably do not believe that it exists in you or in many other people. Personally I would try to find a therapy center/community where you could stay so that you could receive support to heal quickly (relatively) & deeply as my son said it normally takes 3/4 of a session for him to get relaxed enough & then just at the end of a session start to unpack something & then he was just left hanging until his next session a fortnight later.
I hope that you will receive plenty of kindness & support from this site.
RobertaParticipantDear p
I am so sorry that you have to live with such a dysfunctional family. Once you have finished college it will be easier to gain your freedom. There is a site called workaway there are lots of opportunities all over the world you basically work for 20-25 hours and they give you food & accommodation the placements are varied and could give you an idea of what you want to do & where you would like to live.
There maybe not a lot you can do about the way you are spoken to & treated at the moment, but you are in the driving seat when it comes to how you interact with other family members – which I know is much easier said than done when you probably feel bombarded from all sides and the feelings that that must arise within. I hope that you can find a support network near where you live such as a church or meditation group or volunteering opportunities. At some point you may benefit from some therapy sessions to help you process your childhood.
RobertaParticipantHi Brynro
I am guessing your sister lashed out because she was feeling guilty about messing you around in the first place about her birthday wants. Like Brandy said give her chance to cool down and if her general nature is kind and forgiving hopefully then things may blow over quickly. If she has a habit of cutting her nose to despite her face then things may need to be handled in a different way.
RobertaParticipantDear Anil
I am glad that you are meditating. I tell my students this. That it takes almost same amount of time to alter the thought/feeling patterns as we have been having them, so you meditate for say 30 mins you probably feel good for those minutes plus say another 30 after. So it is not a quick fix but more like food & nourishment. So each time you meditate basically you are hopefully undoing a bit of the past and preparing the ground for your future. There are many religions that divide up their day by taking time out for prayer or reflection. This gives one the chance to look back over say the last 4-6 hours in a calm way and see what has been wise & compassionate and what needs tweaking, Then you get the chance to restore things before they get out of hand. ie you skipped breakfast because you woke up late and then was a bit short with a co-worker. First eat something nutritious maybe even offer some to that co-worker with an apology for not being fully there for them. Then in the evening look to see how you can improve your evening/morning routine.
All that we do & think are interconnected and these bounce & ripple out into the world and the world is also impacting on us all the time even if we don’t realise it. So having awareness & patience help us navigate thru this journey called our lives.
RobertaParticipantDear Michelle
At the start I would choose quite an active meditation like a body scan. there are many on youtube this brings me back in touch with my body and gives my mind something to focus on other than the normal dross that seems to bounce around it. I also like to watch talks by the residents at Sravasti Abbey they give me something to ponder on throughout the day. The third pillar of a buddhist way is ethical conduct. In general people do the first (meditation) may dabble a little with the second (teachings/contenplation) and rarely deeply consider the third and then wonder why their success is dare I say superficial & limited. Life will always have its ups & downs, its how we walk thru life that ultimately counts towards our own peace.
RobertaParticipantDear Michelle
I am so sorry that this latest episode in your life is not only stressful , but on top of that it rakes up all the past stress around the previous court case. I was entangled in a legal situation for 7 years and still occasionally my mind can react or chew it over.
Many years of meditation, buddhist retreats & study have helped me build a better more calm & compassionate life.
February 27, 2023 at 10:09 am in reply to: Someone called me ugly and my gf agreed (indirectly) #415885RobertaParticipantHi Anon765
Do you feel that this lack of empathy episode was a one off or is it part of a pattern and did it rock the foundations of your relationship?
RobertaParticipantLoneliness of a single moon beam
A bird wheeling high in the sky
One heartbeat separated from another
The pause, the gap, makes birth, change & renewal possible
February 26, 2023 at 9:48 am in reply to: Someone called me ugly and my gf agreed (indirectly) #415806RobertaParticipantDear Anon765
How hurtful that someone made a snap judgement and verbalized it out loud.
As for your GF maybe she was gob smacked by the other person’s statement about you, or did not feel confident/brave enough to contradict in a quick and appropriate way. Were you there?
RobertaParticipantmy sunrise is your sunset and visa versa
Sit quietly and we can hear others songs carried on the wind
turn to face the sun and smile in away that will warm others hearts
RobertaParticipantDear Eriads
Your daughter was almost grown up when you started dating B ( you do not say how old your daughter was when the split with her father happened or whether her father has remarried etc) and now she is legally an adult. She is lucky to have an on going relationship with her father.
You can’t force people to feel more for each other and some relationships take longer to flourish. As long as you do not accept the current situation you are putting pressure on you, your daughter and your husband, which will hinder a making of healthy relationships. At the moment politeness and understanding should be the starting point for all concerned. It must have taken a lot of bravery for your husband to show his vulnerability to you. Maybe your husband’s original expectations of a”happy family” were not met and he is now resigned to the reality of this family life. I guess within the next few years your daughter will fly the nest and so it is important that you & your husband stay well connected to each as you are going to need his emotional support when your daughter puts down roots elsewhere.
I wish you all the best
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Laelithia
Having watched many peoples relationships collapse over the last 50 years, in general the woman ends up as the full time parent and the man rarely consistently over the years takes an active part in looking after the children.
Although it is physically, emotionally & financially scary being a single parent it is ultimately better than being in a cold loveless relationship.
I hope that your health & happiness will improve.
kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Helcat
Nearly all of us come up against situations/people that press our buttons.
You have dispensed kindness & wisdom to many people on this site and your input will be greatly missed, & I hope that this site also equally gave you sustenance\support.
If we learn to forbear something that cant at present be fixed to our liking, then things may change & grow in a way that could bring benefit not only to ourselves but others.
So I hope that you remain a contributor to this site.
best wishes
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Dave
The mere fact that she was willing & did go to couples counselling means that she has not completely closed the door on the relationship. Does the counselor give both of you homework to do to help you focus on growing your relationship between sessions? It is quite normal for people to yo yo, think how many times a day we do that….. what shall I wear……what shall I eat etc we certainly dont have a wardrobe full of identical clothes and eat the same meal 3 times a day 7 days a week so working thru issues in a relationship will involve a lot of waxing & waning of whether to stay or go.
Hopefully by the end of the 8 sessions you will both have a clearer idea on whether you both still wish to nourish the relationship.
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Frozenfireflies
It is hard when only one person in a partnership is willing to try and make things easier, peaceful & intimate.
Do you have a quiet space that you can go to so that when things look like they are about to kick off , you can calmly say that you are going to take a short time out and if he wishes to spend a bit of quiet time too he is welcome to join you. If you can do a loving kindness meditation ( loads on youtube) it will help manage the discursive ruminative thoughts from disrupting your quiet time. On returning maybe make both of you a cuppa and maybe a gentle stroke on the back will signal to him that you are now calm and open. Hopefully he will mirror your attitude. Also try leaving the non violent communication book in the toilet and he might just pick it up out of curiosity. Do your children witness his outbursts and are they confined to being verbal?
wishing you all the best
Roberta
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 