Dear Bee

“Once we had the talk about how they were feeling, I pushed my needs and wants entirely to the side. By this point, intimacy was beginning to feel disgusting to me. I felt sick with their overtures in some part although I did consent to it. I didn’t communicate this yet again for fear expressing myself would make them upset or that they’d leave me/our relationship would fail entirely. I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded had I said no. I wanted to make them feel nice and this was one of the remaining ways I had to feel close to them so I did it anyways.”

I have a question you say that you now feel like an abuser  even though at the time you thought it was consensual. and then later you posted the above statement.

Do you now think /feel that your partner was an abuser? If not why? If yes why?

It appears that your early role models and education in personal relationships did not equip you well, but you must see that you have the strength and integrity to form good relationships if you continue to work on becoming a happy whole person . The idea that you are dirty or an abuser is erroneous and will not help your peace and happiness in either the short or longterm

Dear Travel Itin

“It hurts me to keep recollecting the past”. Do you do this often? does it start out pleasant but ends up painful?

Now that you recognize that these thoughts/daydreams are not helpful you can take steps to not feed into that line of thinking ie be aware that looking at photos brings on nostalgia and choose to do something else with your time, go for a walk in nature, or do volunteering.

It is easier to lighten ones mood when you catch the feelings early.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Javier

I only joined this tiny buddha today, so I hope it is alright to post to you.

As an only child I knew it would be up to me to look after my parents in their old age and if I did not want it to be a living hell for all of us including my children then something had to change to break the age old cycle

I had an uneasy relationship (that is putting it politely) with my mother. Back in 2009 when on retreat I realised  that I could only change my attitude and ideas about my mother but not her and that the buddhist path was going to be the biggest help.

In 2011 mum had a melanomia on her hand removed and then in  2016 a cancerous lump under her arm removed and several years of follow up treatment. My dad also has dementia. So the last 5 years have mostly been dedicated to their welfare in 2020 a lump on her leg was mis diagnosed and by the time we got the right diagnosis she only had less than 6 weeks to live.

You may well be asking yourself what this has to do with your situation, possibly not alot, but the one  or two practices that helped me be with my mum as she was dying was foremostly the loving kindness practice May you be filled with loving kindness, may you be held with loving kindness, may you be peaceful & at ease and may you be happy. I also did a lot of Vajrasattva practice in our last week together to purify any residue of negativity between us . Her passing was very peaceful and I am glad that I made the effort to not only study but practice the dharma. I am at peace with myself and my mother.

I hope that you find things to help you and your mother grow closer.

Kind regars

Dharma granny