Dear Greenshade

I get where you are coming from, wanting the support and safe space from your ex.

My history was I fell in unrequited love as teenager& then a couple of decades later had a decade on off relationship with that first love. Then for the next decade  I would feel the urge/pull to be with him and about once a year we would be in each others company for a couple of hours. Just before I decided to remain celibate for life I wanted one last night with him as I wanted him to be the last person I was intimate with, but I realized that it would be unfair to both of us. Like you I live with my parents/parent I looked after mum with cancer now passed and my dad has dementia so I have an inkling into your sadness. It was the buddhist teachings on relationships that helped me get thrutough times & momements of weakening in my resolve not to take solace in unskillful things & relationships.

I wish you all the best and it will get easier, just hold on to your resolve to look after yourself both physically & emotionally.

Dear Livy

Please can I clarify a couple of things.

Is the gentleman in question still living with his family?

How far apart do you live?

How long did you leave it after your arrival home before you accused him of ghosting you?

regards Roberta

Dear Matt

I am sorry that your first long term relationship has come apart. Most people use unskillful means to deal with issues and then those means become yet another issue that needs dealing with on top of the original problem. ie has social anxiety then uses alcohol as a relaxant to the extent that addiction eventually occurs.

Over the coming months it is to be expected that you see saw in your feelings, wants & needs and that is ok, you are going thru a  bereavement for the relationship that you had and your dreams & expectations of a future.

Do you know whether your ex would be open to couples counselling?

Instead of therapy being an either or situation solo versus couples maybe the two of you could embark on both?

I have used buddhist teachings and meditation to help me act more skillfully and in line with my core values.

After 15 years I am happier, more compassionate & open ( yes there are still times where I fall momentary into old habits) but they are fewer & less intensive but I am able to reassure myself gently & kindly unlike the harsh inner critic of the old days.

Wishing you the best,

Roberta

Dear Milda

Congratulations on Taking a step back before answering your mothers text.

It is interesting that she was not asking you to fix the situation between her and your dad nor was she blaming you either.

When I have a tricky communication to deal with I spend a little time centering & calming my self. I then write my reply but I do not send it but rather meditate for 10 minutes using the phrase ” is that so?” regarding what I have written, checking in that it is in alignment with my core aspirations and then I amend and repeat the process till I get a YES. I find this breaks the guilt/rumination cycle. Even years later I am still feel that my best self communicated on those occasions.

I hope this technique is of use to you

Roberta

Dear Kiersten

Are you able to receive state benefits in your country to help pay your rent etc? If so this will free you from feeling beholden to keep contact with your mother once financial ties are severed.

I am guessing that your mother does not like that you are taking control on how & when you communicate with her.

The fact that you wish to be deal compassionately with your mother despite her toxic behavior towards you shows that you are a good and caring person despite of your parental relationship. I am guessing that your mother is under 70,  I have known a couple of people who have had early on set dementia and their disease progressed rapidly compared to those that have late onset, so the work that you are doing to make & keep peace in your heart is a good idea.

Dear Milda

It is easy to get sucked into role of carer/giver if you are a kind hearted caring  empathetic person.

Take some time to think about the things that you joy and help give you energy or rest. The world will not come to an end if you take time out for your own body spirit & mind nourishment.  Sometimes we feel that we need to have permission to step back.

If we do not look after our own wellbeing, eventually your body will give you a wake up call, it is much easy to fix ourselves when we are dented rather than wait until we are broken.

You may wish to narrow your focus or even change to volunteering in a different sector that you feel attracted to where you are helping your community but not so personally involved in energy draining relationships.

wishing you all the best

Roberta

Dear Emma

How often did you & your ex actually meet up  & for how long in those 5 years?

You do not say if your new relationship is also long distance, but I will reply as if it isn’t

You may be experiencing what I call ” Honeymoon sydrome”  as long distance relationships are often based on intense short bursts of loving.

Where as a relationship that is in situ so it also incorporates the mundane and takes a combined effort to help it grow & flourish after the initial excitement of getting together.

Since your ex was the initiator of the break up & he has chosen not to have any contact with you it is extremely unlikely that he would be up for rekindleing a relationship.

Yes we all indulge daydreaming and have what if moments, but they can be toxic to you experiencing happiness with the present reality, so I suggest learning some mindfulness techniques so as  & when these thoughts arise you are not trying to suppress them or feed them but see that they are just another set of momentary movements of the mind. After say 6 months you can review with a clearer mind that your supposition.

Kind regards Roberta

Dear Share

I guess you “could kill 2 birds with 1 stone” by asking your boss “Is what the CW is saying about the business being sold is true?”

This way you will know whether you will have a job to come back to next year and your boss will know who is seeding worry and gossip in the company.

best wishes