Hi Harry

Well it’s good to hear that you tried to make her feel more comfortable by changing jobs. But it still doesn’t fix the realistic problem for her which is that in a long distance relationship you have proven that you cannot be trusted.

That being said, it sounds like she is trying to accommodate your behaviour by suggesting that it is okay to see other people. She is making it clear that she has trust issues with you because of this.

It does make the whole relationship more insecure in that you would both be potentially seeing other people making it easier for you both to walk away at any time.

If you want this to change, you would have to prove that you are trustworthy by choosing not to see anyone despite being allowed to.

It is up to you what you want to do next and what path you want to take.

She may sleep with some to even the playing field as it were. Some people do that, make things even and call it fair.

Working on not being in your own head sounds like a good idea. Sometimes you have to take things on the chin when you make a mistake. What she is suggesting is fair but if you prove yourself worthy things may change in the future.

Just stay calm and if you don’t want to give up on the relationship, see the situation for what it is. She is offering you a chance. It might not seem that way, but she is.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Harry

To be fair, someone that you are compatible enough with to consider marrying one day is the only reason a long distance relationship might be successful. But there are still a lot of hurdles to get to that point. Long distance is not easy, but it does make for a fun vacation. The not being together takes a lot of hard work. It is important to moderate your feelings and be aware of the high chance of failure in these types of relationships. Sometimes even if you get to the point where you love someone, things just don’t end up working out. If you want to try and see what happens, that is fine and the most realistic view.

That being said, that you said it’s a pattern for you to be really intense then lose interest is a concern. And you worry about that happening again, which it may. You will have to wait and see.

Your idea of putting less pressure on yourself and the situation is a good one.

I think that the thing would be if you did lose interest, it would be a good idea to end the relationship. It would be a shame to cheat on her and hurt her again. To end things before they get to that point, if you start to feel that way and find your eyes wandering would be a blessing.

These situations are really difficult and not for everyone. It is important to be realistic and reassess from time to time if these things are working out.

I wasn’t trying to be a buzzkill before, it’s just the chances of long distance working out is very low. And to start a relationship off with problems is pretty risky.

It is very hopeful and perhaps not realistic to pretend that things will be fine. But if you are realistic about the situation, that it is difficult and hard work and invest the level of time and effort required. You never know how things will work out.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

Hi Clara

It sounds like a good idea to take a break from the homework while your emotions are high. Well done on taking care of yourself and doing what is right for you.

Going home is an option. But it would be met with resistance. It would not just be things going back to normal.

Perhaps what you want is not necessarily to go home right now, but for things to be back to normal? You both cannot put things back in the bottle, instead you must find a new way to move forward.

It sounds to me that you cherish your relationship. That is a beautiful thing.

I would suggest to keep working on yourself during this break, so that you feel prepared for when you do both come back together. It will take a lot of self control and emotional regulation, as well as healthy communication in difficult conversations.

You are doing really well in unpicking everything. I think that when you do share with your partner all of the work you have done she will be impressed. Perhaps, she would not expect it and she will be pleasantly surprised?

To go into the meeting with no expectations, but a desire to catch up, to check in and learn how your partner is doing with a clear heart and mind might be a goal to work towards.

I don’t know how things will work out, but all you can do is put forward your best self and see what happens next.

I learned something from the book Working with Anger that Roberta suggested. I would recommend reading that one. It is a much lighter read, but still poignant and full of insights. It made me cry, but in a good way.

I learned that love can be a trigger for anger. Sometimes we have the highest expectations for the people we love and trust. Those expectations can be unrealistic.

For example, I used to work with the public and during holiday seasons people were more likely to be rude and cuss out staff. This didn’t bother me because they were strangers. They were just stressed and overreacting, it clearly had nothing to do with me. It was easy for me to walk away, chuckle about the bizarre situation and move on with my day.

But with my partner, smaller things can bother me when my mental health is not good. I start to read into things that are not there. Maybe it means that they don’t care about me if they keep forgetting what I asked for when they offered to go to the store? I always message or call and ask what they want when I do it. I do this because I care and want them to be happy.

This is clearly not true upon calm reflection. My partner is just very busy and rushing. Taking the time to even try to do something nice is a blessing.

Do you see what I mean?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Clara

I’m glad to hear that you find the book relatable so far. I look forward to you sharing your insights!

I’m enjoying the book Working with Anger. 😊

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Tommy

I truly think that you are a good person. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be trying to help people. It is unique trying to figure out a writing style that is suitable for such a sensitive space. It is different from the day to day communication that many are used to. To find a way that honestly reflects your personality, even harder still. You have received positive responses from Anonymous and Stephanie. As well as more regular communication with myself, Peter and Anita. You are far too hard on yourself. Don’t give up on trying to help because it is hard and a learning process. You have achieved so many amazing things in your life already. I know that you can do this too. 😊

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

He’s open to it. Do you have any contact information?

Hi Clara

I hope that you have a safe trip!

I do actually have a book recommendation, since you asked. This was recommended to me by my old psychologist. Fantastic woman. The book is called Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young. It is not expensive online. I think that free copies might even be found if you look hard enough.

You are a caring person and try your best. I know that you would not want to hurt anyone. It is a painful realisation that there are still things to work on. You can only manage what you are aware of. Now you are aware. You weren’t before.

I don’t know if this will be helpful to you, everyone is different. Anger is often the result of unmet needs. I started a journal of all of the times I felt angry. Wrote down the situation,  immediate thoughts, and any circumstances like hunger, pain, lack of sleep, stress etc. I found often I was angry when I was tired and hungry. All of the factors I mentioned adversely affect emotional regulation which can make a person more reactive and irritable.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Thank you for your kind words. No worries Carol, take care 😊

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏