Hi Chau

So you were the one that suggested the break and there has been a couple of months of negativity, perhaps on both sides? And there have been difficulties in the relationship of you blaming her and her feeling like she needs to tip toe around you.

I’m hesitant to place all of the blame on one person. It is good to recognize your own issues. But perhaps your partner is also contributing to this in some way? Usually it is two people, not just one.

I’m going to share how I got past difficulties with my partner recently. I hope that in some small way it helps, but I don’t know if it will.

My partner said some very harsh things because we were having difficulties. For two weeks I took it out on then because I was angry that they had said those harsh things. They said some more very harsh things, suggesting that the relationship might need to end because they couldn’t cope with me being angry.

To move forward, I needed to forgive my partner for the harsh things they said and act normally in the relationship.

They needed to work on their own stuff and forgive me for their own resentment too.

What I have learned of disagreements is that they are all about ego. Focusing only on how we feel and our worries. It is not to help the relationship. It is a game of scoring points almost that soothes the ego. You can win an argument but it tends to harm the relationship. Every time it is saying that the argument is more important than the relationship. If you want to fix a relationship, you have to choose the relationship over the disagreement.

Difficulties can improve communication in a relationship when you don’t blame each other and admit your own faults and apologize for them. The goal is to work hard to stop making the same mistakes.

People make mistakes. Everyone does. Focus on fixing your own mistakes. And accepting your partners mistakes as part of who they are. We all have our own pattern. Our own mistakes. But it is the whole that makes us so special and lovable.  You clearly love your partner. Accepting the mistakes along with the person is worth it and when there is no blame and forgiveness the defensiveness goes away.

Validating each others feelings is very important especially when hurt.

I feel hurt. I’m sorry that you feel hurt, and for my part in hurting you.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Chau

Disappointed, insecure, sad, rejected, grieving, irritated, angry, helpless and lonely. Those are a lot of very understandable feelings because it is such a complicated and challenging time. It must be an intense time for you. It is very big of you to try to stay positive and even consider accepting a continuation of this relationship after these difficulties.

I’m sorry to hear that your partner has hidden the relationship from family (except for one sibling) for 5 and a half years.

You are also concerned that this time is being used to break up. To me, that is a valid concern. Your partner has chosen a rather brutal way to make her decision. What did she say when you asked her about that?

I have a couple of concerns about this situation too. 1) I feel like it is unfairly harsh on you. You are expected to patiently wait around while going through a lot of suffering. 2) I’m not sure about cultural stance regarding being gay or even modern dating practices. In some countries it is illegal and this makes the lives of gay people very difficult, in other countries it is not illegal. In some countries people use breaks to see other people. Was this discussed?

If you think taking the chance that your partner will change her mind is worth the pain of being left on the hook is worth it. That is your decision.

It seems to me that you have already been on the hook waiting for 5 and a half years. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for you and at least acknowledges your presence to people that they are close with.

I think that love is a choice. There have been days where I have fallen out of love when things were difficult. But the choice is made to reconnect and fall in love with a partner, or not. The choice to love someone or not is made every day.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Mr A

Talking about how you feel about difficulties can be helpful when you are not blaming your wife for it. It is a very hard thing for a couple to go through. Some people have children very easily. Some children are unwanted and treat cruelly. It is a painful and unfair situation that you both find yourselves in.

That is a good summary of points discussed. I would add that it could be a good idea to find something to enjoy about the relationship. For your own happiness, as well as hers.

Yes, definitely. You only have control over so much. Do what you can and take pride in that you tried your best.

Despite the difficulties between you, I think your willingness to stick by your wife and taking care of her as best you can is a kindness on your part.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Mr A

Your wife is a person, not a thing to be moulded to your liking.

It doesn’t surprise me that your wife does all of the cooking and housework as well as working. No wonder she is exhausted. If you want her to have more energy, get a maid to help her since you have the money. There will be a whole host of benefits when she has more time and energy.

Intelligence is nothing without kindness. Where is your kindness towards your wife? The one who should be most precious to you?

You think she is ugly and poor and stupid. That says it all.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Teni

Unfortunately, threatening to kill themselves if you break up with them is called emotional abuse. Controlling when you sleep is also abusive. As is getting mad etc if you don’t reply to texts while you’re asleep.

No contact after a break up can be a good idea to avoid being guilted into returning.

I think that you’ve said it all when you said that you want to end the relationship. Have they previously attempted suicide or self-harmed?

It isn’t your responsibility if someone hurts themselves. They are responsible for their own actions and choices. If they have difficulties with their emotions they can see a doctor. Help is out there, it doesn’t have to be you that helps them.

It sounds like to me these things are being said to prevent you from leaving. I had an ex that tried that. Blocking hin everywhere was very helpful after the break up. He didn’t kill himself.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

My understanding of the heart sutra is that it is an escoteric description of the deep meditation practice mentioned. It reminds me of a stillness meditation that I practice.