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HelcatParticipantHi Peter
Thank you! Your post was very thought provoking. It’s lovely to see you around.
Do you have any advice about acceptance? It is something that I have always struggled with.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Lulu
I’m happy for you that it feels good to be acknowledged outside of your current situation and like a weight has been released by letting your feelings out here. Please don’t worry about writing too much. 😊
It is difficult being a teenager with trauma because it can feel like your peers don’t understand it. Many haven’t experienced trauma yet, and the ones that have don’t tend to talk about it and not everyone has been to therapy.
I know what you mean about feeling like you’re losing sight of yourself and getting lost in the situation. That glimmer of you might feel far away, but from an outsider perspective it is still burning strong deep inside. I think sometimes life changes us and it can feel so different that we don’t recognize ourselves. What do you think?
I think it’s incredible that you’re still able to have normal days where you feel happy despite everything you have been through. That shows how much work you have put in during therapy.
Bad days are understandable given the challenges you face. When they happen it is good to give yourself some grace and allow your feelings. Please try to remember to take extra special care of yourself on these days. Do something nice for yourself even if it is small. You deserve that extra care when you are feeling vulnerable.
I hope that you don’t mind if I pray for you? I have faith that things will fall into place for you during this period of intense change. I’m certain that you have the strength to get through this with your family. It won’t be easy, but you do already have the strength inside of you. On the days that it feels like you don’t, that strength is resting and recovering for when it is needed again.
I look forward to next time you decide to share your thoughts and wish you good luck on your journey!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
May 2, 2024 at 2:47 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432270HelcatParticipantHi Seaturtle!
Happy 25th Birthday! How was your party?
As you guessed, people pleasing has it’s roots in trauma. So basically, when there is a child there is something called magical thinking. Our brains automatically seek patterns.
Your father conditioned you to cater to his needs with verbal abuse. Perhaps your “reward” sometimes was not being verbally abused? Not being praised, just not being attacked verbally. Some “reward”, huh?
Back to the magical thinking and patterns. So you picked up this idea as a child that if you did everything perfectly then MAYBE there would be peace for you. We all seek control in the chaos in abusive situations as children. The alternative that it is just chaos is too frightening.
But children don’t do everything perfectly do they? Heck, even adults don’t. So no matter how hard you tried, it was never enough because he was always looking for mistakes as an excuse to unleash his abuse upon you.
The secret is that there was no actual rhyme nor reason to his behaviour. If he was in a bad mood he would find a reason to abuse you. This is the truth.
So you’re in this abusive situation with a father with unstable emotions being told to manage his emotions for him. Such a large responsibility for a child and frightening to be at his whims.
Recognizing that it is not your responsibility to manage someone’s emotions and it is not your fault if they snap at you (unless you did something seriously wrong) is how to get past people pleasing. Getting used to setting boundaries with unhealthy people is helpful too. It is stressful at first, but you get used to it with practice.
I think it’s helpful to view people as equals. Your emotions matter as much as theirs do. But you still have the responsibility to take care of yourself and they have the responsibility to take care of themselves. If that makes sense?
I don’t think it’s selfish, it’s just not your responsibility unless they are a child as children often need help with regulating their emotions because they are still learning. But even then, it is important for them to learn developmentally appropriate self-soothing techniques. My son is currently learning to fall asleep without being held or fed. Next, he will learn to fall asleep by himself.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
May 2, 2024 at 4:39 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #432248HelcatParticipantHi Seaturtle
I would encourage you to tell me if there is ever anything that hurts your feelings. It is certainly not my intent.
I appreciate your kind heart Seaturtle. You are a truth seeker!
From my perspective, the two of you were incompatible. He faced challenges being homeschooled and with his own trauma. And you faced your own challenges with yours. It’s sad that he didn’t accept you fully. I think you saw that from your very first thread. And you tried for a long time to give him a chance because you are a kind open minded person who is considerate of others. You accepted his trauma, but what you couldn’t accept was not being fully accepted yourself. Quite rightfully so! You are beautiful soul who deserves to be fully accepted!!!
Your ex made the mistake of lending money when he wasn’t truthful about his feelings about it. I believe that he even had difficulty paying bills at one point. No doubt part of him wanted to be chivalrous and help, but part of him worried about finances and he was resentful.
A lot of people are weird about lending money. It can cause problems in all kinds of relationships if the person isn’t 100% on board and willing to never see that money again. I’m sure that you would have paid him back over time when you could had things not gone horribly wrong during the break up. He sunk that ship by treating you badly.
Initially, the break up went well but it was sad to see that he became aggressive and you took a great deal of punishment from him because you felt guilty for leaving him. You shouldn’t feel guilty or take punishment for doing the right thing for you. That voice that was questioning the health of the relationship was spot on, so in the future I would pay attention to that voice. You have some good instincts.
He had one useful point during the initial part of the break up. But it was phrased pretty poorly. So I’m going to change the wording and kind of get to the essence of one thing he struggled with. He felt like you get hurt a lot. It became difficult to keep track of trying to help you with your feelings.
I think other partners in the future could easily have similar difficulties with that. However, I don’t think they would necessarily react in the same way and he reacted poorly.
This is something that I also had difficulty with in relationships because of my trauma. Something that I had to learn was that not every time I felt hurt was someone else’s fault. I had to learn to manage my own triggers and emotions. I also learned to phrase things so that my partner didn’t feel blamed for my feelings when triggered. I would say this has nothing to do with you but, I’m feeling this way right now because of my trauma. It helped my partner to be able to comfort me without feeling blamed.
That being said, there are times when things are still issues for example, everyone has preferences in relationships and it is healthy to communicate them and negotiate between parties how you would like a relationship to be. And there are times when people do things that are genuinely hurtful. It is honestly a delicate balance, one which I’m sure that you will find a balance with in your own time.
A fear you had is that your trauma would be too much in future relationships. I don’t think that will be the case. Trauma can cause ongoing problems, (I still struggle with it during conflict to this day) but you are an empathetic, caring person on an amazing journey of self discovery. You will learn to handle it all with grace. You will meet each challenge and conquer it!
If there are things that you disagree with, you are a courageous strong Seaturtle please feel free to speak your mind. I would like you to express your feelings about my thoughts. It is your life and your relationship. You are the expert in you! I can definitely be wrong!
Love and best wishes! 🙏❤️
HelcatParticipantHi Lulu
Wow, no wonder you are feeling burnt out. You have been through so much at such a young age.
I’m deeply sorry to hear about your experiences of SA and your father questioning you about that, as well as the resulting trauma.
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your father over the years.
I’m sorry to hear that your sibling has a difficult kind of cancer. This is horrible for the whole family in a variety of different ways. I hear that it is difficult for other siblings who aren’t given the same level of care as the ill one in this situation.
I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t accepted for your pick of school and that you didn’t get the opportunity to resit your SATs to accurately reflect your ability.
I’m glad to hear that you have a therapist, though it would be great if he could return from vacation soon. I think you’re being very resourceful seeking out people to speak to in his absence.
I would like to reassure you that your circumstances do not detract from who you are. You and your abilities shine through and I don’t think that it is pity that got you accepted at a school like that. You come across as a high performer who has been through some pretty devastating circumstances.
Another difficulty is that your sibling’s health issues are ongoing. Do you think this will have an impact on your schooling? Where will you live if your mother and sibling are moving?
You’re a very resilient person to have been through so much. I think it would be a good idea to be gentle with yourself while you are struggling. You have tried so hard and been through so much! It’s incredible. You are allowed to struggle with such difficulties. Anyone would, no matter how strong they are.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipant*-lofty
HelcatParticipantHi Lulu
You write beautifully! I can see why you have been accepted into two great universities. You clearly have a lot of talent.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had the experience of feeling like an outcast. I think that’s such a shame because you seem like an awesome person.
My hope for you is based on my experience of the world. Children don’t quite have fully developed empathy. School can be a hard place mostly because of that. There is cruelty there as a result.
As an adult, people are kinder. Perhaps this won’t be entirely visible in college, but you might start to see it in some (in others, not so much). Around the age of 25 development of empathy and emotional maturity is fully established. That is when things start to get interesting!
My guess is that whichever school you choose there will be a variety of personalities. There are many different kinds of people.
Your concerns about performance on a merit based scholarship sound sensible. But it is also an amazing opportunity to be debt free. How was your performance in lofty the later years of high school? University is very much similar to me.
The opportunity to explore your roots is enticing.
I have a question, which school is better for your field?
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Everyone
As a species, our purpose is to reproduce and protect the existence of our species. As humans existing in civilisation, our purpose is to help each other and there are a ton of different ways to do so. As individuals, we all have special things that give our lives meaning that we enjoy and care about – core values. Exploring our core values can bring more joy into our lives.
I think that people often search for purpose and meaning when they are unhappy. I know that I did. What I learned from my search is that we all have reasons for everything we do in a day. Even the things that make us unhappy fulfil a purpose.
I found that learning to accept that and be on board with my choices rather than fantasizing about doing something else infinitely more helpful. That being said, I probably wouldn’t have reached that conclusion without searching for meaning. Nowadays, if I’m uncomfortable with something that I’m doing or not doing it helps to remind myself WHY I’m doing or not doing it.
Ultimately, whatever it is we are currently doing, is what we want to do at the time.
Wishing ya’ll all the best! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Everyone
Ups and downs. I feel like having a baby you don’t have time for your own emotions anymore. The baby just needs you all of the time and feelings need to be set aside.
On the plus side, I’m sticking to my physiotherapy.
I got this hip carrier for the baby now that he’s getting heavier too which will help with upper back and shoulder pain.
I’m glad my husband is starting to open up about the difficulties of parenting. He has been stressed and keeping it inside for too long.
Lunch was nice.
And despite teething my son was in a fairly good mood. I’m looking forward to when he is old enough to take teething medication. He’s really uncomfortable with it, bless his soul.
I’ve been using wrist braces with the pram and it’s starting to feel better.
Wishing ya’ll all the best! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantAnd just so you understand how serious this is. If someone mishandles her she could end up suicidal. It’s a very real possibility….
HelcatParticipantHi Meatball
She would need to see a clinical psychologist specialised in trauma at least weekly. It’s very expensive…
Her level of trauma most therapists can’t treat. It would be malpractice and do more harm than good. She will be actively refused as a patient by most therapists because of the level of her trauma. It’s a very serious thing. You’re basically confronting all of that pain. It is not easy.
I certainly don’t recommend that she goes on a drug trip. Suggesting that isn’t taking her condition seriously. A retreat for a week is also going to be absolutely useless for her.
HelcatParticipantOne thing that might actually be helpful if you do decide to accept the coming and going behaviour would be to get a therapist for yourself. You are a caregiver and that comes with stress. You deserve some support with that.
HelcatParticipantHi Meatball
Yes she has huge amounts of trauma. But a) her past is too painful for her to reflect on. b) Even if she “worked on it” it would take a huge amount of time – decades. There is no quick fix to what she has experienced or her flaws as a result of that.
A relationship with a severely traumatised individual involves accepting their flaws. You keep telling her, her flaws are bad (she is bad) and she needs to work to get better (to be good enough). A person will only work on their flaws because they want to. She currently doesn’t want to. I can understand why.
As a child my mother molested me and suffocated me and drowned me until I gave up when I tried to fight her. I was raped by someone I thought was my best friend at the time. It’s taken me about 10 years of therapy.
What I have experienced, pales in comparison to the trauma that she has experienced. The amount of suffering that she has experienced is more than one person can bear. Telling her to fix something that won’t fix – not any time soon anyway – isn’t helping.
Let her leave if she wants to leave. You clearly care about her.
I’m sorry that you are suffering. It is no doubt difficult loving someone who is traumatised and their actions hurt you. She won’t be able to change. You either accept her leaving behaviour and let her come and go. Or she leaves permanently. If you are done and can’t take the stress and pain that is understandable. You have already done a lot for her. She is lucky to have had someone who loves and cares for her so much by her side for so long. You truly need to do what is right for you too.
Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️
HelcatParticipantHi Sarah
I’m sorry to hear that your mother has been diagnosed with liver cancer. What an amazing lady to be so positive through this.
The idea of potentially losing her is weighing on you and you are looking for hope. She sounds like a wonderful mother and it sounds like you have taken after her looking for hope in these challenging times.
I don’t know if you would find statistics helpful or scary? So I’m just going to ask if you would like to know survival rates for the early and medium stages? There is also a statistic for how many people are diagnosed at an early stage.
Please feel free to talk about anything.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Everyone
I’m glad that I had a good day yesterday. I was able to rest and relax.
The bad thing about brains is that they tend to try and bring you back to a baseline and anxiety has been my baseline, so it started trying to find things to make me feel anxious again. Fortunately, I managed to notice that happening and reel it in.
My sons bath time was funny because he figured out that he can kick water. He kicked water everywhere!
My husband made a really nice gravy! He’s an excellent cook.
It was nice to talk to my sister.
I’m glad that I did my physiotherapy again.
I’m starting to believe that my husband is attracted to me again which is nice. He didn’t do anything to make me believe otherwise. I was just being hard on myself because of the pregnancy.
Wishing ya’ll all the best! 🙏❤️
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 