Hi Frozenfireflies

It’s good to hear that in some circumstances that your husband is understanding and acknowledges his mistakes.

I would agree with you his history has caused some difficulties with his communication style. He lived that way for 30 years. It is going to take some time to undo.

For my husband it took 6 years of work throughout our relationship to develop a healthier communication style. It honestly takes time.

I don’t necessarily agree that your husband isn’t interested in changing. He might simply not know how or have sufficient emotional control. Like how you have difficulties taking a break in these situations. I agree that he could benefit from therapy.

I can understand how his behaviour feels dangerous and is a trigger for you. It doesn’t sound to me like you are in the wrong at all

There is a question that my therapist used to ask me constantly. Now I will ask you the same question. When is the first time you remember feeling similar emotions of danger and the need to pursue in your life?

I can understand why you feel hurt in your example of your recent example. He was criticising you. I’ll add that it is a very common criticism in relationships.

Yesterday, I had a massive energy bill. My husband asked me to put the heating on through winter and I did as he asked despite my preference being to save money. I was upset by the energy bill. I said this is because you wanted the heating on all the time. Why don’t you wear layers? He said he does and still gets cold and was a little flustered. We cuddled after.

Yesterday, I was cleaning the shower and my husband came along. My husband tried to dissuade me from cleaning the shower. He asked why I was cleaning it and said that I would hurt myself. I said I have to do it because no one else will. He said he cleans everything else around here. I said you asked, I just answered in a sassy way. He joked know your butt is right there. I said you can kick it just be gentle.

These are common small squabbles that don’t really mean anything if you have a healthier relationship. I think the difference in your example is that your husband doubles down when you defend yourself against criticism. It sounds like there’s some emotional pain carried around on both sides.

I can understand why it feels like he’s blaming you and criticising your character. The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with your character. You forget things sometimes. People who have higher standards typically complain if things aren’t to their liking. But it doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong. He is having difficulty with his own feelings because of his own standards.

I would suggest that your husband’s back pain is also a factor in his communication difficulties too. It’s not right, but it does make sense. I know I have experienced that too.

Did you check your email to verify the account?

It’s not a chat room. It’s got a private chat function but live as opposed to email.

What’s your account name and I’ll message you?

Do you use imgur at all? My account is called usernamealgorithm.

I’m sorry Eric. I’m leaving this forum permanently. Good luck with everything.

Hi Anita

I think that anyone thinks that you are a bad person. Not even myself. I believe that you are a good person, I have a lot of respect for you.

There are a lot of abusive behaviours in the world many people have them. It doesn’t mean that they are abusive people. It doesn’t make them bad people either. Frequency is an important factor. Any mistakes that you made  were infrequent.

I empathise that discussing any of these issues is a trigger for you. I’m sorry that it is. But not talking about issues is also not healthy either.

I mentioned before in a post that was deleted that you were able to overcome your behaviours with other members. I only returned because you had done so successfully. For more than a month you treat every single member, on every single comment flawlessly. I believe that my return was a trigger for you that caused some minor issues. But nothing severe. I expect that you would be able to continue with your excellent work of overcoming old behaviours once your feelings settle.

I’m sorry that you feel hurt by me infrequently expressing concern for other members.

Hi Dave

It’s nice to hear that you had a short family trip. It’s a shame that the older kids are catching on. That would be a challenging conversation to have.

Your second couples counselling session sounds intense.

The communication and initiative comment is confusing to me. You seem to communicate well. What exactly does she want you to take initiative with?

I can understand your feelings of feeling out of control and emotional. It seems like the ball is in your wife’s court to decide what to do.

I can understand wanting you to have other activities in your life.

So do feel like your wife is holding back because she feels like if she goes all in then she believes that you would go back to how things normally are?

I can understand the confusion caused by your wife’s hesitation when it comes to making this decision.

I would also add that it’s not the worst sign. She might not be ready yet. But she’s not on her way out of the door either. If all she can do is wait and see, it’s technically her trying to give you a chance.

What exactly she wants you to do in the relationship, I’m not sure. You’ll have a better idea of that.