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Hi Kyle!
Was there a reason that you didn’t see your father for months? In a typical co-parenting relationship the time with each parent would be split 50-50.
How did your mom respond when you asked as a child to spend more time with your father?
It sounds like you were bullied in high school. Would you agree? Children and teens can be very cruel to each other.
I don’t know if what you surmised about how your friendships ended is true. I’m not suggesting that you are lying. But relationships come and go a lot in life. Perhaps no matter how you behave they would have ended? It is unfair to blame yourself for that. There are at least two people in a friendship. The other party is also responsible for keeping or ending the friendship.
Sometimes in school we have a limited choice of friends and we are just with anyone who will accept us. They might not even be good friends.
Did you know that you were adopted as a child? Do you have any feelings about being adopted?
I don’t think it seems like you are painting your mom out to be a bad person. Quite the contrary, you are defending her. I am not trying to suggest that this is your mom’s fault. But there generally reasons behind the way we behave.
You mentioned that you feel shame and that you break your mother’s trust when you make mistakes.
Are there any other mistakes that you’ve made relevant to your mom other than the false report and the difficulties with school work?
You mentioned that you feel shame about these situations and that lying is your mom’s pet peeve and she gets mad. More and more as time goes on.
A common reason why we learn to lie or hide our behaviour is when people respond poorly when we tell the truth. Another reason could be that it was your father that initially encouraged this behaviour.
Personally, I can understand why a little boy who barely gets to spend any time with his father can be coerced into saying something untrue in the hopes that they would spend more time with their father.
What happened was unfortunate, but it also wasn’t wholly your fault. It would have never happened if your father hadn’t coaxed you into action. You were manipulated.
I think you have a lot of good character to want to change this behaviour stemming from childhood.
Honestly, you aren’t the first person to lie about difficulties with school work. This is understandable too! It’s not ideal, but it’s not the end of the world.
Did your mom put any pressure on you to succeed in school?
It sounds like you carry a lot of shame. The difficulty about emotions is that sometimes we believe emotionally, something different from what logically we know to be true.
But when a mother rejects you because of mistakes it is easy to internalise that. In your mind her being mad is understandable, but in your heart you feel shame and mistrust.
It can feel like love is conditional, something that we don’t deserve when we make mistakes. What do you think?
Hi Kyle!
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in what you shared!
Couple of questions if you don’t mind? How old were you when this thanksgiving trip happened?
You mentioned that your father coerced you. How?
Have you ever experienced any difficulties with your mother?
How do you feel about the coercion and filing the false report about your mother?
Sometimes when we lie it can be because we are afraid of being vulnerable with people, this can include being afraid of showing people who we are. Does this resonate with you at all? If not do you see any reasoning behind this behaviour?You mentioned that lying can be a defence. A defence against what?
Please feel free to share whatever you would like to. Sorry if the questions are difficult. You don’t have to answer anything that you are uncomfortable with.
It’s funny you say that because it’s directly related to the next story in the Lotus Sutra which is about Buddha’s students and enlightenment.
I would agree, not being able to imagine or understand the possibility of a different future is a large problem in the world. We live our lives while experiencing a fascinating phenomenon: we know what we know, we know what we don’t know, we don’t know what we know and we don’t know what we don’t know.
There is a certain safety in what we know, even if it ultimately harms us. Depression can provide a measure of comfort. If we tell ourselves we are going to fail so there’s no point in trying we don’t ever have to put ourselves through the stress of trying.
We all need to keep our minds open to opportunities as they arise and make an effort to expose ourselves to positive new experiences. As well as being open to discomfort that arises with the new opportunities. Sometimes it is hard to make changes. But that is okay!
I do think other people have a large influence on how we perceive ourselves and our environment. Having a supportive network is beneficial for any kind of growth. Different people have the benefit of exposing us to different perspectives.
I’m glad that thinking of fun relieved you of stress! I have really enjoyed discussing this with you. 😊
I hadn’t thought about it that way. It is a nice way to think about it!
But I wonder if living skilfully in this metaphor would be the father who knows to use this way to coax his children to safety outside?
I think also, whilst the benefits of Buddhism might be what lures us to initially practice. Perhaps fun is a happy side effect? Sometimes it will be present, sometimes it won’t, since one theme of Buddhism is overcoming desire and attachment.
I do think practicing Buddhism would include fostering good experiences and being open to happiness and fun. Freedom from suffering sounds like a nice idea.
In the version I am reading the ending is different. This version, the father is wealthy and gives the children beautiful carts after they agree to play outside and leave the burning house.
Yes, I would agree that the carts represent the gifts of Buddhism.
The children were coaxed outside by their desire to play. Much like I became interested in Buddhism after learning that psychology has been heavily influenced by it and surmising that I may benefit from learning more. Unsurprisingly, I’m learning quite a lot and benefiting from these practices. So there is the cart that was promised!
I’m afraid that I don’t know much about Mahayana Buddhism. Only what I can glean from books.
Hi Danny!
I’m glad that you find affirmations helpful!
I agree with Anita, these affirmations are personal to you so only you will be the best judge of how your affirmations will help you. Clearly, you put a lot of thought, meaning and effort into creating them.
Good luck! My only other thought, is as well as the affirmations have you come up with some achievable goals to work towards related to the affirmations? It could be nice to track some tangible results alongside these affirmations.
Hi Sharon!
I’m sorry that things are difficult for you at the moment. If you want to talk about what is happening we are hear to listen!
I have been in some dark places before and found it difficult to motivate myself to do every day activities.
What helped me complete housework was considering reasons why I wanted to complete each task. This helped motivate me to do them.
For example, I have dogs. If I don’t tidy up there would be trash lying around that the dogs would play with and potentially try to eat.
Whatever reason that is meaningful to you is ideal.
It was also important for me to prioritise tasks and goals. It can be overwhelming thinking of all the responsibilities, chores and goals you want to achieve in the future.
Consider what you want to get done today. My husband sometimes says if you get 30% of what you planned to do done, that is a good day.
It’s very important to forgive yourself if you don’t achieve everything that you want to do in a day.
I think it’s important to gradually increase the number of tasks you plan to do in a day. Consider how many tasks and activities you are currently achieving in a day. Then try adding one more. Do that every day and when you are ready commit to achieving an additional task.
Patience is really important because it can take a long time to achieve important goals. Punishing yourself for every day that you don’t achieve it is no way to live. Comparing your progress to others is never helpful either.
For many the practice detachment has been a about detachment from desire. No desire = no suffering. Probably true only I don’t see how such a practice of detachment would not end in indifference and or unconsciousness.
I have been reading The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh. The way that he describes overcoming attachment is beautiful. He suggests that rather than indifference it involves loving everyone equally. To me the idea of nonself (I hope that I am using this correctly) is relevant to because it addresses grasping. If we are all part of each other we have nothing to lose. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying shares this concept of nonself too. Anyone we spend time with will become a part of us. As for developing compassion and empathy for people that we don’t have relationships they suggest recognising that we all have Buddha nature within us.
“To joyfully participate in the sorrows of the world“. So far every wisdom tradition I have come across asks that question. Can you engage fully in life, as it is, the wonder and the horror joyfully? Can that be Love? My intuition is that a experience of enlightenment would involve such a realization.
Many Buddhist monks are from countries that experienced war so they have written a lot about this subject specifically. They discuss empathising with the soldiers killing their loved ones. Understanding that they are often conscripted with no choice but to participate in war. Not to mention, they may be punished severely if they attempt to desert. Soldiers are considered pawns, not the agents perpetuating the war. Also, we all know the devastating impact on mental health that being a soldier can have. In this way, they were able to love the enemy harming them. Many monks who were imprisoned and punished for their beliefs chose to see that as an excellent opportunity to deepen their practice.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche shared that many masters have ego and it is a normal healthy part of being a person. His suggestion was to watch the ego and not let it drive action.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 