Hi Bee

How old was your sister when you left? Was your sister able to leave if she wanted to?

I left my brother when he was 14. He chose to stay. The reality in these abusive situations is that by staying you would have both been abused. By leaving, I’m assuming that you were not subject to as much abuse? You were protecting yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. You do not have to feel responsible for someone else’s abusive behaviour.

I would also add that when it comes to enlightenment, my understanding is that most often it occurs when we die.

It is often suggested that practice is to prepare for this moment in death.

I’m not suggesting that it can’t occur at other times.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by Helcat.

Hi David

It might be reasonable to block her or not respond but you have already stated that you are refuse to do that.

This is why it is good to discuss alternatives.

How would you expect a future partner to react to your ex divulging these things? How does this make you feel?

You could take the power out of this threat simply by explaining to any future partners about that partner. How does the idea of doing that make you feel?

You could even talk to your employer and tell them that you have a disgruntled ex incase she tries to get in contact.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by Helcat.

Hi David

It sounds like you’re more concerned about her harassing your job and family than you are about both of your personal needs.

Perhaps there is a compromise somewhere in between answering her calls and texts, allowing her to freely vent and blocking her?

Would you be comfortable with saying something short politely setting your boundaries then ending a call? Similarly texting something short politely setting your boundaries could be a strategy.

She would likely be upset by the change but with repetition she would get used to it.

It would be important for the message to address her concerns about these new boundaries, apologise and recognise that this current relationship is unhealthy for both of you.

Are there any other strategies that you can think of?

Hi David

It’s good to hear that you didn’t get bullied at school.

It’s not right that she’s threatening you. Do you think you can set some boundaries with her?

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time and feeling stressed out.

Hi Zeha

Good luck with your dream of become a stewardess! I hear that learning languages is very helpful for this career path. Do you plan on learning languages? This might be difficult without formal academic training. There are also schools that train you to become a stewardess.

Are you above 5 ft 6 and slim?

Do you have any experience in hospitality and customer service?

Do you have a plan for becoming a stewardess?

Did you know that being a stewardess is a high stress job? This might not fit with your goal of having a peaceful life and reducing anxiety.

I think your family will be happier and more accepting of your choice if you have a tangible path for how you plan on achieving this.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Helcat.

Hi Bee

Thank you for sharing some more context! This is a good example of why context is important.

I’m glad that you did have some good times together. Your explanation does make sense. It think it’s very kind of you to have such empathy for someone that also hurt you.

I will point out that neither depression or Asperger’s make people verbally abusive. That is down to personality. Some of the things he said and did go beyond being blunt or a little rude.

As much as what he was trying to teach you what he learned in therapy, he still had a lot to learn himself.

It seems like you’ve taken the best of what you can from that experience, which is a healthy mindset.

I think it’s fair to say that neither of you were perfect, there were unhealthy elements on both sides. You were two young people with your own individual issues which weren’t exactly compatible.

Your growth and maturity are commendable Bee. You are not the same person you were back then. You should be very proud of how much you have achieved!

I would hope that your ex has grown and matured since then too. We all make mistakes, especially when we are young.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Helcat.

Hi Bee

Telling someone who was abused that their trauma response as a result of their severe abuse comes off as an excuse is horrifically abusive!

It is true that you are responsible for learning to manage your emotions. It sounds like you have grown a lot. It’s true that accountability is important. But it is also true that the context of your behaviour and your intent is important.

That partner might have taught you some important lessons, but it’s very sad to hear the manner in which you received them. I think people deserve to learn these lessons through compassion.

Accountability and responsibility for managing emotions goes both ways, if they were “suffering” in the relationship they were free to leave at any point. Instead they chose to stay, criticising and shaming you under the guise of “helping” before ultimately choosing to do what they should have done long before it got to that point. Dating someone that has experienced severe abuse, who hasn’t yet learned to manage their emotions isn’t for everyone. It takes someone who is compassionate and secure in themselves.

I call BS on your ex being too afraid to say anything. Pardon my French. In my experience, people who are so heavily critical are not afraid of saying anything. The way you were treat legitimately makes me angry because you didn’t deserve it. I encourage you to read about verbal abuse.

From our communication, I have learned that you care about how you affect others, that when someone asks you to change a behaviour you try your hardest to do so. These things don’t always happen overnight and you were young, still trying to figure out how to function after being abused.

“everything in our relationship felt bad to them. the entire relationship is bad’ but they didn’t break up with me because they thought I was a great person.”

In my opinion, they didn’t break up with you because they got something out of the relationship. A sense of superiority. I’m going to disagree with Anita, based on the comments and experiences that you shared your ex doesn’t strike me as a good person.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Helcat.