Hi Frozenfireflies

That makes sense and sounds like a healthy way to approach the situation. I’m glad the examples helped.

I understand, it can be difficult figuring out how to communicate difficulties with relationships in a positive way. It’s totally understandable to want your feelings to be heard too.

I can hear how challenging it has been for you moving further away, the difficulties of the pandemic and losing friends. I understand wanting to be close to your family and how it can hurt to be less close with them.

It is a shame when people are conflict avoidant because ultimately healthy conflict is intended to  to clear the air, resolve problems, empathise with each other and validate emotions.

I hope it doesn’t come to that and your sister responds positively to your chosen less direct approach first.

Apologies regarding the misunderstanding about texting time.

I wouldn’t have had to protest abuse if public action was taken in the first place.

Hi Eric

I noticed that on your cons list includes a lot of concerns related to anxiety. Most likely all of the concerns you have on your con list won’t all happen. It’s statistically unlikely. However, some may happen. I hope that they are not as bad as you think.

Definitely meeting friends and family will happen. But that also has the potential to be a nice thing.

Your main concern seems to be that people will judge you and act in an unkind way. Historically, people have treat you this way.

Most people are cruel to others because they have issues themselves. Everyone who has hurt you in the past has been in pain themselves and chosen to act in a way that makes them feel strong and powerful for a short time only. Afterwards, people who hurt others experience self-hatred and often live in denial of their actions because facing the pain of what they have done is overwhelming.

My point is, that in the off chance that someone behaves unkindly. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t even related to you. There are sick people in the world, but there are lots of kind people too.

Hi Eric

I don’t think that this behaviour was a mistake. I think you did your best to protect yourself.

You were dealing with enough anxiety as it was and made some request to prevent additional stressors.

Well done for protecting yourself!

That being said I’m glad that you’re getting to a point where you feel mentally prepared to share your relationship with people.

*I was called a liar

Hi Eric

Thank you for explaining about your previous experiences of house trauma growing up. It definitely sounds like these worries are a trigger from an old wound.

Children can be very cruel. I’m sorry they did that to you. To a child big house = money.

But in reality it sounds like your family chose to invest in their business as opposed to their home. This is actually very smart because I’m sure they did it because they knew they would make a lot more money, more quickly if they invested in their business as opposed to an expensive large home which is a large expenditure and might not make as much money immediately.

I also think that whilst on one hand there’s trauma, on the other there are social and cultural concerns that you are very aware of.

That is why your plan with the gifts sounds like a good idea to me.

On the plus side, I’m sure that her parents are very aware of your financial capabilities, especially since your company just built their house. I’m sure that they will make her aware of the situation.

You never know, your parents may be considering building a house sooner than you think. Since you are dating they may be considering your future. Being married one day and raising children of your own. It might be worth having a discussion about it.

Hi Frozenfireflies

Welcome! I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties communicating with your sister from a distance.

Is the goal to discuss your feelings or to encourage her to text more frequently or both?

If you want to put aside your feelings some encouragement might work.

I really enjoy hearing from you, reading your messages brings a smile to my face. Even though we live further away it makes me feel like we’re closer.

Obviously, you don’t have to send something exactly like this. It’s just a rough draft of what a very positive message looks like.

If you want to discuss feelings, it could put more pressure on her. But you would put it out there that perhaps the way you are being treat isn’t fair and that you would like to be closer.

I really enjoy talking to you, I miss my sister. I wish we could talk more. I know you’re really busy. But if you feel there is anything else holding you back, I’d like to hear how you feel.

Then there is a more direct approach.

I enjoy reading your messages, I wish we had a closer relationship. I feel like it’s been hard to maintain communication while living further away. I miss you a lot. It hurts not to be closer to you. I would like to focus on building a closer relationship if that is something you would like?

If you want things to change you’re probably going to have to change your response time too. Your long response time confirms that her behaviour is okay. So if you would like things to pick up, being the bigger person would be a good idea.

It’s going to be hard to directly confront her about delays in texting because you also do the same thing. The response could very well be that you do it too, so she thought it was okay.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Would you prefer something even more direct?

Hi Eric

It’s complicated. On the one hand our minds are trying their best to help us. On the other hand sometimes what comes as human instinct and might be helpful when having immediate danger doesn’t necessarily help us in the long term.

For example, when experiencing trauma as children. We can’t always fight back. Avoidance is basically the only strategy we have.

But as an adult we can carry that avoidance with us. Avoiding memories of past trauma. But we are adults now, we are better able to defend ourselves compared to a child. And we are not necessarily exposed to trauma as frequently as adults. Despite this, avoidance can be a habit that persists creating anxiety and limiting our choices and experiences in life.

The nature of anxiety and avoidance confirms that you when you do avoid you were correct to be afraid and every time you are exposed to the same situation in the future, it wants to avoid again and so anxiety builds. It simply becomes a habit that anything that feels threatening should be avoided.

There’s also another element. Children have a habit of blaming themselves. They’re basically sponges absorbing everything from the world around them. Even the smartest child doesn’t necessarily understand the world around them.

So a child who experiences trauma and is blamed by other people simply accepts that. If other people say this is my fault, it must be true. Even when it is the people hurting us that are the ones telling us these things.

Children who blame themselves become adults that blame themselves. It’s a habit. But the truth is trauma is not your fault. You are not to blame for other people treating you poorly in the past. You deserved a happy and peaceful life and still do. You deserve to be an adult who doesn’t blame yourself and doesn’t have to carry that pain.