Hi Eric

It takes a long time to change habitual thought patterns. If you think about it, you may have been thinking in this way for many years. On the plus side, you are young. Neuro plasticity will allow changes to occur in time with consistent practice.

My concern is that you need a quality therapist to support you. You may not recover without one. Even when you are feeling calmer you still advocate for hitting yourself. Life is going to be very hard for you without professional help:

I’m a short lady at 5ft 4. I seem to remember that you are taller than me. Is this correct? I’ve dated 3 people shorter than me. The reason for relationships ending has never been height.  are more likely to be open to dating. Whilst it is true that people notice height upon meeting for the first time. People stop thinking about it. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to care about how short you are. Shorter ladies tend to be more open to dating shorter men since chances are you will still be taller than them.

Whilst height can limit the number of people willing to date you before 25. After 25 attraction changes for women. The focus becomes qualities suitable for a long term partner.

Anyone who cares about your height is superficial and judgemental, you can be thankful to avoid a partner with character flaws.

Likewise anyone who judges you based on your family situation or finances has character flaws. It says more about their weaknesses than you.

Many people are not judgemental. I have a friend that is a barista. He leads a non traditional lifestyle. He doesn’t value money. He suffers at times for it. But he is adventurous and brave. Many people are willing to make themselves unhappy for a sizeable paycheck. As long as you believe in your own decisions and lifestyle, people will also view you with respect.

My point is that the circumstances are not the problem. Your anxiety about judgement from others is what causes you pain. You care about the judgement of others because you don’t like yourself.

Everyone has set backs in life. Overcoming these challenges helps us grow as people.

Going to the gym is progress for you. It is something that you do like about yourself. I hope that you continue to discover new things that you like about yourself. Like the cleaning you mentioned. This is a great trait for a partner. Women value a man that doesn’t mind helping out.

Hi Felix

It’s good to hear that you have been in therapy and it helped in some areas of your life.

I would suggest scheduling regular massages so you have physical contact. While you are searching for your life partner you may wish to pursue more casual experiences on plenty of fish.

Lots of people end up without relationships for extended periods of time. I’ve been through that myself. It doesn’t have to be a negative experience. The people that are upset by this experience tend to not be comfortable with themselves. This is why self-compassion can be important. You may need to develop a more positive relationship with yourself.

Hi Felix

It sounds like you have a lot of good habits; exercising, meditating, studying, eating healthily, spending time with friends and family.

You have a couple of good friends that you see a few times a month. Yet you say that you don’t have friendship, a social life or a social circle. How many friends would you like to have? It should be relatively easy to make friends by joining a hobby group of your interest.

My concern is that does loneliness come from you and will it remain no matter how many friends that you have? Is this something that you feel at the moment because your time isn’t occupied by a job?

You are very critical of yourself. This is a form of self-abuse. One way of learning to accept yourself is changing this habit.

What helped me is repeatedly addressing the core belief when I’m feeling calm and therefore less likely to engage in critical behaviour.

I would suggest writing down all of the things that you like about yourself. You could start small and perhaps focus on actions if you have difficulty with this. Try doing this when you feel better after an episode of disliking yourself. Please be patient and practice this regularly it will take some time to sink in.

It can also be helpful to keep a list of compliments that others give you. This doesn’t necessarily mean physical compliments. If someone says that you are a good person or hardworking etc those are compliments too.

Are you divorced? If so, was there a reason that the relationship ended? It could be pertinent since you are interested in dating.

Hi Anonymous

I’m glad that you had a good weekend, but I’m sorry to hear that you have been feeling bad again.

That is kind of you to say, but I think you have been helping yourself. You’re a very reasonable, insightful person and have put a lot of hard work into helping yourself through this challenging period.

I think it’s even possible to do nothing wrong and still hurt someone you love very much.

Repeatedly thinking about a distressing topic is called rumination. I’m wondering, before this did you ever experience rumination about other topics?

I have had some experience with rumination. For me, there is often a trigger. I wonder are there specific times / activities or stressors that lead you to return to these thoughts and feelings?

If you do identify a pattern, I find it can be helpful to focus on the pattern leading to rumination developing rather than the thoughts themselves.

Relaxation can be very helpful to de-escalate. I’m fond of yoga and meditation. I found meditation particularly useful for learning to emotionally distance myself from rumination. Do you have anything that you like to do to relax?

I think this may have triggered a subconscious  belief. The difficulty is that when you inherently believe something to be true, it can be very painful and take some time to change (we are the only ones who can ultimately change what we believe). You may have to repeatedly challenge this false beliefs that you are a terrible person because you made a mistake. Or because you chose to protect your relationship by withholding this situation.

Hang in there, I hope you feel better soon! 🙏

Hi Eric

Circumstances are neither good or bad. Lots of people aren’t close with their families. Lots of people don’t have cousins. Lots of people are shorter.

What determines how you feel about something is the way that you think and view the world. At the moment, you do so through a lens of depression.

You can learn to change this in time. I think it would be more accurate to say that you feel lonely because of your social anxiety and tendency towards self-hatred. What do you think?

Hi Anonymous

It sounds like you are on the right path. Good luck on your journey of self forgiveness!

I think it’s great that you are learning to be more understanding and forgiving with others too. I found myself experiencing that too in my own journey.

I hope with every day that passes, you heal more and more. You are a lovely lady, with a wonderful attitude. 🙏

Hi Anonymous

Perhaps there is another way to look at this?

I wonder, the emotions are not proportional to the situation. But are they proportional to how much you love and care for your partner?

You are hurt by this mistake because of your morals, because of your love. If you were a bad person who didn’t love their partner, you wouldn’t care.

So perhaps these feelings although uncomfortable, are a good thing? Try relaxing, allowing them to be and understand that they are borne of your love.

Hi Sandhya

It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life and are continuing to experience many more challenging experiences.

It seems to me that as we age, death becomes prevalent in our lives. I remember a colleague confronting her own mortality when her best friend suddenly received a terminal diagnosis of cancer at 40.

I have a good friend in his 70s and recently his two brothers both passed within a short space of time. He copes by reflecting on his memories and looking at pictures.

Death is a natural part of life, but it can be extremely distressing.

Having a support network is very important, if you are losing a lot of people that you care about it is important to make some new connections. You can never replace those people. But being alone can be extremely difficult.

A lot of the time people cope by being hopeful. But in the case of loss, this isn’t relevant. Perhaps acceptance is something to work towards? I find a saying comforting. The people you love are a part of you. So you can honour their memory as you live.

Do you have any strategies for coping with the feelings of loss that you are experiencing? As someone with a chronic pain condition, I’m curious about learning more about how you cope with pain. This is something I struggle with.