Hi David

It’s good to hear that you didn’t get bullied at school.

It’s not right that she’s threatening you. Do you think you can set some boundaries with her?

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time and feeling stressed out.

Hi Zeha

Good luck with your dream of become a stewardess! I hear that learning languages is very helpful for this career path. Do you plan on learning languages? This might be difficult without formal academic training. There are also schools that train you to become a stewardess.

Are you above 5 ft 6 and slim?

Do you have any experience in hospitality and customer service?

Do you have a plan for becoming a stewardess?

Did you know that being a stewardess is a high stress job? This might not fit with your goal of having a peaceful life and reducing anxiety.

I think your family will be happier and more accepting of your choice if you have a tangible path for how you plan on achieving this.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Bee

Thank you for sharing some more context! This is a good example of why context is important.

I’m glad that you did have some good times together. Your explanation does make sense. It think it’s very kind of you to have such empathy for someone that also hurt you.

I will point out that neither depression or Asperger’s make people verbally abusive. That is down to personality. Some of the things he said and did go beyond being blunt or a little rude.

As much as what he was trying to teach you what he learned in therapy, he still had a lot to learn himself.

It seems like you’ve taken the best of what you can from that experience, which is a healthy mindset.

I think it’s fair to say that neither of you were perfect, there were unhealthy elements on both sides. You were two young people with your own individual issues which weren’t exactly compatible.

Your growth and maturity are commendable Bee. You are not the same person you were back then. You should be very proud of how much you have achieved!

I would hope that your ex has grown and matured since then too. We all make mistakes, especially when we are young.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Bee

Telling someone who was abused that their trauma response as a result of their severe abuse comes off as an excuse is horrifically abusive!

It is true that you are responsible for learning to manage your emotions. It sounds like you have grown a lot. It’s true that accountability is important. But it is also true that the context of your behaviour and your intent is important.

That partner might have taught you some important lessons, but it’s very sad to hear the manner in which you received them. I think people deserve to learn these lessons through compassion.

Accountability and responsibility for managing emotions goes both ways, if they were “suffering” in the relationship they were free to leave at any point. Instead they chose to stay, criticising and shaming you under the guise of “helping” before ultimately choosing to do what they should have done long before it got to that point. Dating someone that has experienced severe abuse, who hasn’t yet learned to manage their emotions isn’t for everyone. It takes someone who is compassionate and secure in themselves.

I call BS on your ex being too afraid to say anything. Pardon my French. In my experience, people who are so heavily critical are not afraid of saying anything. The way you were treat legitimately makes me angry because you didn’t deserve it. I encourage you to read about verbal abuse.

From our communication, I have learned that you care about how you affect others, that when someone asks you to change a behaviour you try your hardest to do so. These things don’t always happen overnight and you were young, still trying to figure out how to function after being abused.

“everything in our relationship felt bad to them. the entire relationship is bad’ but they didn’t break up with me because they thought I was a great person.”

In my opinion, they didn’t break up with you because they got something out of the relationship. A sense of superiority. I’m going to disagree with Anita, based on the comments and experiences that you shared your ex doesn’t strike me as a good person.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Zeha!

It seems like you know what you don’t want to do. Do you have any ideas for what you do want to do?

Would it be possible for your credits to be transferred to another degree? In this case your efforts to study so far would still count towards a degree, but you could potentially change subject. It might be worth discussing options with an academic advisor at school.

Hi sbreeze

I’m glad that you are feeling much better now! That’s very kind of you to say.

Personally, I don’t see emotions as the problem.

Often, we become afraid of things due to traumatic past experiences. Humans are great at pattern recognition, so when something bad happens we look for similar scenarios. It is very difficult to live life constantly on guard.

I like to write down the outcomes of situations that I am afraid of, this helps by providing evidence to combat my fears.

I believe that coming to terms with traumatic past experiences and learning to control how we respond when emotions occur are important. Any actions we take are more important than the emotions themselves.

It’s good that you have found your own way of dealing with these things.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.

@anita

I would say that the arguments we have tend to be differing views but not usually angry or heated. I do get upset because challenging conversations and arguments are a trigger for me. Because I am sensitive to challenging conversations I tend to call them arguments.

Length of these challenging conversations is probably a determining factor for calling it an argument. If a disagreement continues I have a tendency to start crying.

We don’t tend to walk away from each other, interrupt each other. There have been occasional issues with raised voices but the content of our communication doesn’t change. It’s an issue that we are working on.

We communicate when we don’t feel understood. Much of the argument is trying  are to explain thoughts, feelings and intent and trying to understand each other.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and need to stop talking for a short time to calm down. We continue the conversation shortly after.

For example, yesterday I was discussing the family issue with my husband. I asked for his opinion on how I’d handle various scenarios and how they might impact me. He was reluctant to answer and said that it was my decision. I said that I felt that I wasn’t being heard because I wasn’t asking him to make a decision for me. I was asking to discuss how he thought I would cope with and respond to different situations.

Even during this short exchange were no voices were raised. I felt upset and wanted to cry. Not because of something he said. But because of the PTSD triggers around challenging conversations and arguments. I wouldn’t call this specific conversation an argument because it was fairly short.

Hi Bee

This feeling of being defective or unlovable can be addressed. For me, it comes from a longing that any child has for a loving family that cares.Is this similar for you? Fortunately, we can learn to love ourselves, we can also receive love from a number of people including friends. The latter d cannot replace the former. Learning to love yourself is essential. I would also say it is important to see the situation for what it was instead of blaming yourself for it.

People are not always mature enough to handle these delicate conversations sensitively. It is okay to for a partner to say it makes me feel pressured when I refuse and you get upset and confide that they have been difficulties saying n, which lead them to do something that they weren’t comfortable with. I wonder when communicating the consent issues did your partner say anything particularly harsh at the time? I ask because I know how easy it is to internalise the criticism of others when we care about them.

I would agree, schools didn’t teach me enough about consent either. Not to mention, abuse tends to mess with boundaries! I was also raised with “all men want sex 24/7” I really don’t like that stereotype.

My understanding (please correct me if I’m wrong) is that there were mutual issues regarding consent. When he raised his issues, you met his needs. Did he even hear your issues with consent? It certainly seems like your needs weren’t met. I totally understand with the abuse you experienced it is difficult to set that boundary.

The thing about relationships is that there is implicit consent. Once consent is established, partners do not always check every time. They trust each other to communicate their needs otherwise when the time arises.

I think that until you are ready to communicate your needs to a potential partner it is a bad idea to date. As a victim of previous abuse, I wish someone told me this. Dating without the ability to withdraw consent can be very traumatic.

I find it concerning that your partner gave no visible indication that he was unhappy with the arrangement before raising this issue. My partner hums and haws giving visible indications sometimes and changes his mind (as he is entitled to). This doesn’t seem to have been the case at all for you.

I can understand your fears in other relationships. The truth is though, not relationship is going to be the same as the one with your ex. You can even make consent less daunting by assigning code phrases. I simply ask my husband “How are you feeling?”.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.