Hi Geek,

When I was asking existential/life quality questions like this ten years ago, my friend told me to read The Bhagavad Gita. Read one with good commentaries! It’s about being content with living and living in your nature. But of course, spiritually it covers much more than that! Read it and tell us what you think.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Nidzo,

Cultural pressure is unbelievably strong. This is why the parents force confirmation and arranged marriages at such a young age. You are at your weakest as a youth.

OK… NOW that he’s married, NOW you’d go back in time and marry him? No offence, but it’s easier for you to say that than for him to actually go through the divorce process. And “to be financially strong” could take years. And guess what? Something that could take years becomes “Some Day” in one’s mind. And during that time, his wife could become pregnant. And yes, by him.

I’m telling you NOT to see him while he’s married and NOT to put your life on hold.

One day, years later, he may indeed be free. And one day, years later, he could be a married man with kids (and has a nice home, job, and, yes, wife).

I’m sorry I’m such a Debbie-Downer, but please live a full life without him UNLESS and UNTIL he sets himself free.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

Hi TheDayDreamer,

Well first of all, have you met the ex? Sometimes old girlfriends are labeled as “Crazy” but they are actually normal. Now, yes, she’s had problems too deep for him to handle. But is she really manipulative?

If you haven’t met her, it’s easy for the mind to Fill in the Blank.

What I would do is say, “If you hang out with her, bring me along.” This way she won’t try anything and he won’t go back into their unhealthy dynamic.

If she asks him for lunch, he should say, “Let me see if my GF can make it.” If she pressures him to meet up with her alone he should say, “I’m busy.”

As far as texting/calling/Social Media: He should view her as “That Guy”. There is always “That Guy” in your group of friends. That you are friendly to but not actual friends with. A short, one line answer or one minute conversation at best.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Brian,

First of all, I view love as a verb as well as a feeling. For your friend, because she’s an alcoholic, and because you have your own “stuff”, I would love her from afar.

Now, when you have a child, you will (should!) feel pure love for that child. The parent/child relationship is the purest form of love. Of course, there are lousy parents out there, but you get the idea. When you’re holding that baby in your arms, you’re not thinking, “Well, my shrink says I don’t love myself enough so how can I love another person correctly, especially a family member?” You’re not even thinking. You’re feeling, “I love you, I love you, I love you!”

I also (morbidly) think of people who would be at my funeral. Some of them would be people I haven’t seen in years. That is love. The people who have shared and witnessed your history with you, even though you may not think of them at all day by day. (i.e. your siblings’ best friends).

And when you’re in love with someone, you don’t even have to ask. It sounds cliché, but when you meet who is to be your spouse, you just “Know”. And by the way, it may not feel like fireworks. It’s just a certain Deep Knowing.

You are not in love with the alcoholic friend. You are drawn to her. And you may even love her. But please don’t get sucked into the co-dependent mess waiting for you if you get involved.

Best,

Inky

OH LIBBY!! ((hugs))

I can relate!!

This is what I’ve done with my own Dad and my kids. I reframed the situation. I call myself The Holiday Aunt. I keep my family super busy so they don’t have time to miss the greater family, and then we see everyone on holiday’s. Mother’s Day (for step mom), Father’s Day, Easter, Fourth of July (here in the States), My Dad’s Birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. THAT’S IT! Everyone can be civil for one day (even me).

When they’re older (teens) and ask, tell them the truth without putting anyone down. Say, “Your uncle flew into a rage and the police saw it. We stay away for safety reasons. Your grandmother and aunts take care of uncle. They are all staying away by choice.” If they ask “But why do they/don’t they?” Shrug and say, “It’s their choice.” If they say “But why don’t you” repeat “Safety reasons”.

Of course they’re mad at you. You’ve CHANGED THE SCRIPT! I didn’t have the abusive brother, but I put my foot down when my dad became abusive. Suddenly I was disrespectful and unforgiving. I wouldn’t let my kids or I be alone on long vacations with them. And told them why. Said, “If we were back in the States and you pulled something like that I would call the police.” And, “Get help.” And, “My family comes first. It’s all about the kids. They’re the ones that really matter.” Basically saying *I* mattered, and *YOU* don’t now. Hierarchy = Kids, Me, You Last now.

While they’re living in this horrible parallel universe and supporting/enabling a sick brother, you’re offering a mirror showing them how life could/should be.

Keep being strong. Be a “Holiday Aunt”.

Blessings!!!!

Inky

Well clearly the marriage isn’t working. A counselor might help. “What’s more painful?” you can ask him. “Going through counseling or going through the divorce process?”

No matter what you decide, it’s pretty clear you’ve given your all.

Hi There,

Is it me, or is the tone of your letter that his emotional affair was somehow worse than your actual affair? Even though your DH wasn’t “good” at the emotional stuff to you, he must have been devastated that you chose (however discreet you were) another man over him. And it was very big of him to forgive you. And him disconnecting and being a little mean afterwards is understandable!

And now he’s giving this woman what you so desperately wanted ~ emotional connection. So yes, he IS capable of that. Could it be that after 20 years things just get boring? And I’m surprised he wants your forgiveness, and didn’t throw your old secret lover back up in your face.

I know I’m all judge-y, but the tone of your post is like that of a parent being disappointed in a child. He is not a child. He is a grown man, your husband. Please don’t look on the internet for people to pat you on the back and say, “How dare he not fulfill your emotional needs!” but DO go to counseling together. And if that fails, wait until your child is a little older and then gracefully cast him loose to perhaps enjoy the colleague and you to possibly enjoy the man you were actually in love with.

Inky