Just say “No” and have your husband hem, haw, and make excuses to his friends. He might say, “Her mother is sick”, or “It’s not a good time”, or even THE TRUTH.

TBH, if I was planning a trip, and the spouse of my friends said “No” to me visiting, I’m the type to get the message that

1. We’re not that close (the message you want them to get, closer to your goal of no potential shenanigans, yay!)
2. It’s me (I am his ex, and I want to crash at their place, hmmm…)

And I wouldn’t look at the spouse badly at all! And P.S., so what if they did? That you are a jealous wife? Well, good! Wives should be, that’s the best kind! It’s like you’re afraid of losing any power or position.

If they tease you or give you a hard time just say, “Yup, you’re right, I’m a jealous wife. Who wants you little rascals messing up my bathroom and kitchen?”

If it makes you feel any better, I told my DH “NO” when he wanted his druggy friend crashing at our place for one night. He wanted me to give “reasons” and kept turning it around on ME. I just kept saying, “No. Nope. A galaxy of Nope.” He gave up and had an awkward conversation with his old friend. Old friend was left with the discomfort. So what? My home was mine. No past precedent was made.

I have another story too, said “NO” to an old friend who was becoming obsessed with my family. The sky didn’t fall. All was well.

Hi lostandlovinit,

Words have power. Vibrations are real. You have probably been in a (more or less) normal, stable environment for most of your life with normal, relatively stable people. As in, when someone would get upset you could totally pinpoint the cause or your behavior and either understand it or fix it. Naturally when you run across a creature like this it can literally feel like a shock to your system.

It sounds like this woman was attacking your soul, your essence, trying to fill you with shame. I had this exact same experience!! I didn’t have to work with her, thank God!

I’m sorry to say, as much as I wrote in a journal and burned the pages, vented to my friends, got sucked into a shame spiral, etc., etc., the ONLY thing that got me through it was TIME! It is now eight years later (!) and I can say, truly, that I’m “Over It”. Meaning, hearing of, thinking of, or seeing this person doesn’t trigger me anymore. Yes, try Matt’s mantra above!! It might work, but in general just move on with your life. If she’s not around, she doesn’t “exist” you know? Pretend she was literally a nightmare you had one night.

Best,

Inky

Hi kdot,

The first step is to see a doctor. Just pick up the phone (or have your parents do it if you’re “frozen”) and make the appointment. Then wait until the appointment begins. Tell the doc about your anxiety and depression. He will likely give you a prescription or refer you to someone. Follow the doctor’s orders. That’s all you have to do. I’m not into drugs, but this is one of those times when It’s OK to take them to get you living again.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi reena89,

I think he is serious in that he spent most of his adult life with you. And, doesn’t know anything else! He doesn’t know what “serious” or “supportive” looks like, because he is in his comfortable zone, and always has been. Reading in between the lines, he sounds a tad immature or not quite ready to marry the love of his life.

Just My Opine,

Inky

Hi Anyone,

Just don’t be party to any “Badness/Evil” in the world. It’s not hard. You don’t have to feed, shelter, clothe or love his kids. Just don’t be party to/support him leaving them.

Something inside you (that would be a conscience) said, “Hey, something about this situation really, really bothers me. I know! Let’s go online and ask random strangers if I’m crazy!” And everyone (even the diplomatic one, hi Anita! 🙂 ) said, “No, you’re not crazy, this is wrong, this is not best for you.”

It seems like you’re doing a lot of work justifying what is wrong. What is right needs no justification.

Leave the family alone,

Inky

justwow,

My darling, dear girl! My dad did the exact same thing to US. And I don’t know what hurt more ~ the fact that he put other people before his family, or the fact they (the OW and her family) were all Losers. And they were, because sometimes I would wonder the opposite: What if they were All That, how would we feel? My mother was an elegant lady, and she didn’t have any patience for him. She promptly left.

And even when he remarried (at least he dumped the old Mistress!), his new wife wasn’t much better. She made sure her Loser brood (trust me on this) took away all his time, energy and resources. Only with constant Prayer has our dad finally come around.

This is what men do sometimes: They assuage their guilt by making a Big Show about how they are Family Men. Then they wait until the kids are grown to move on. They have a Crisis. This is his Crisis. Sometimes they get over it. The weaker men don’t.

So, who was he cheating on before you were born? How did this woman appear? If there is a vast age difference between them, her daughter must be at least in her twenties if not thirties. HOW DOES THE DAUGHTER FEEL ABOUT HAVING A MAN AROUND DATING HER MOM WHEN HE COULD DATE HER? Listen, my DH is 15 years older than ME! Are you sure the two women aren’t just taking him for a little financial ride?

Your dad is angry all the time because he KNOWS he is wrong, he knows he is taken advantage of and he can’t justify it even to himself.

What you do: Pray. Prayer works. Get this situation on all the prayer groups in town, any religion or denomination will do. You’ll be surprised. Don’t entertain the other family. To you they don’t exist. Let your mother and father handle this. If anything, beg your mom to let you calmly get through Graduation. I will pray this situation if that’s OK with you. I know all the good people on these forums will also keep you in their hearts.

Blessings,

Ink

I feel compelled to respond:

Out of the literally billions of men on the planet, surely you can find a normal guy. And no, it’s not normal to go on a dating site with the disclaimer “No Questions”. Does the wife know about the site? Does she know that he is dating just anyone? Meaning, P.S. you’re not the only one! What else is he not telling you? Criminal record? STDs? I’m serious here. There is a certain arrogance behind anyone who writes “Disclaimer: No Personal Questions” on a dating site.

Perhaps if more women (and men!) don’t humor married people and encourage them to take sex casually there would be fewer extra-marital affairs! When you sleep with a married person you are essentially saying, “Your twenty year relationship with your husband/wife didn’t matter and wasn’t a big deal. Because look, you are now sleeping with someone and I mean it could be anyone. OR// I’m the exception! I’m on par with the spouse, Yay!”

If you truly clicked, imagine he is your knight and you are his lady/muse. They didn’t sleep together either, but the romance was there! Let him transmute that feeling into poetry or something. And if you truly feel nothing, let him give the poetry to his wife.