Regarding Christmas, at most churches there are Christmas Gift Trees or little old ladies who will get a gift for the children and teenagers. Let them know now before it’s too late! It may hurt your pride to ask for help, but believe me, half the people I know in town have had to go to the food pantry or go to the churches for gifts for the kids.

Instead of a tree, get a table tree. You can literally cut a small sapling by the side of the road. Then you set it up with lights.

Tell the boys the truth about finances and say this year we’ll be doing something different. Then, work at a soup kitchen, sing carols, and go to Christmas Eve services. Or, go to a community sponsored Christmas event or to someone else’s house for Christmas and bring a small something for a hostess gift. Bake with the ingredients already in your house.

Deal with the emotional stuff later, let’s just get through Christmas!

Hi xaprithecat,

My first instinct is that you should focus on the psychology/becoming a therapist. For one thing, most people who see you will not have a mental illness, but will be going through: divorce/death/someone else’s addiction/clearing the past. A second thing, when you are paying for therapy, you tend to actually listen to your therapist and follow their gently led questions that you will answer and work on by the next appointment. (Unlike friends!) Lastly, there are many types of paths within that path that you can go into: Life coach, Christian marriage counselor, social service for the elderly/youth, etc., etc.!

Music is great, but with the arts, unless you play music and do art all the time on your own anyway, it generally doesn’t work out. If you love music, it is best to just enjoy it or make it into a weekend hobby band ~ for fun, not money. Money changes the artistic vibe and tends to be harder to come by.

Sending Clarity, Luck, and Light,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Hi leilah,

First of all, that is wonderful that you left! You are strong!

Secondly, and most important, is this: Your child is Primary. The safety of your child is your One Job. It is all that matters. Not your husband’s guilt, broken heart, or promise to change. It takes so very little to hurt a child. It’s not worth the risk. And it goes against your One Job.

I say rare, supervised visitations with his/her father. Later, when your son or daughter is an adult, go back to him (if you’d want to) or let them have their own relationship with him.

For the next decade and a half, the risk is too great.

Sending Love, Light, and Protection

Yes, but the recipient of the put downs has to go deaf, put their foot down, or retrain the other. Either break their bad habit of putting you down, or leave. Personally, I would take a break. Or at the very least make it SOOO NOT WORTH IT for every put down. Give them three times the hell of what they give you. Not Buddhist like at all. You know those people who you are afraid of engaging because they would raise that much hell? Be that person. Again, not Buddha like. But seems to work. When times are good, be Buddha like. When he treats you bad, accept it, fight it, or leave.

I get lost in a bookstore. And a good Netflix series. That helps. Later, you can go to events and places alone without feeling “weird”. Oh, and buy a kitten or puppy! Even if it’s a fish, there’s nothing like another being in the house to brighten it!

Some relationships have time limits. He’s there for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime, as the saying goes. Of course, the problem is that you don’t know which one! I do know that if the relationship has expired, something by itself that is silly or random will break you up.

Also, how old are you? It is unusual for high school sweethearts to last into college, for college kids to be together in the Real World, for 20’s to be together in their 30’s.

In my experience the one that helps you get through drama, and not create any, in the right person ~ for me.

What helps is to realize that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. This will not last forever!

The other thing that’s helpful is to have set routines so you’re not stewing in your loneliness. Or, if you are, it would be for less than an hour because you have other things going on as planned!

Even if you find one friend, one pal, one kindred soul that would be great. Obviously, it won’t be a current classmate, but it might be someone at an event, place, etc.!

Hang in there!

This could be anything from a midlife crisis to mental illness. You expressed fears that he could fight for custody? Well, nothing creates distance like distance. I would make him come to your country to visit, I would not go there. Also, I wouldn’t force a divorce yet because things could come to a head with custody. Maybe when she’s a teenager she could go to school where he is and have a relationship with him (when he is much less likely to go after full custody and when she’s old enough to fly home if she wants to!).

Some men are like this. You think everything’s fine and then they drop a bomb. I’m sorry you went through this. At least you have your daughter! He could also just as easily change his mind, so be wary!