Hi Again,

I would give the texting a break. Give her a chance to miss you. What I would do is have a get together at a restaurant or a small party a few times a year. Invite her. Even if she is unable to go, at least she was invited, and you would have other people around. Don’t put your energy into the people who aren’t there, put your energy into the people who are there.

Inky

Hi Poppyxo,

Here is something I noticed: There is a vast age difference between you two. Is it possible that since she met you when you were a teenager she took you under her wing, she was a mentor to you, she didn’t take you seriously? Ten years later you are no longer a kid. Is she having trouble seeing you as a fellow adult woman?

The card thing I would forgive. I’m THE WORST at cards. I can’t do it. Yes, even if I worked in a stationary store.

The bailing on your plans I would put her on task for. The next time that happens say, “Oh, good, just tell me where you all are meeting.” She CAN’T say no, as you already cleared YOUR busy schedule sometimes weeks in advance for HER. It will be awkward. Let it be awkward. 

Lastly, she is a parent of a very small child. You are not first, you are not second, you aren’t even in the top ten of her priorities. I am not active friends with anyone with small children. Unless you are offering to bring the family pizza and babysit, it is a BURDEN to see you. She needs a babysitter, a free moment, money, and energy. She may not have it. If you get pregnant tomorrow, maybe you can bond with her via playdates. I’ve had three kids. It’s just the reality.

Best,

Inky

Hi Stuart,

There’s nothing like a good book or Netflix show to make you look forward to being alone. Only one chapter or episode a night!

Parties and having people over help too, but there’s always that let down after the last person leaves. I suggest having someone spend the night (brother or best friend type) and then plan something fun  immediately after he leaves.

Plan activities and events to do with your sons. Scouts is good because then you’ll become friends with the other dads and do outdoor hikes and guy stuff.

I know the question was how to be happy alone, but I’ve found that I’m happiest alone when I’ve had some sort of human contact during the day.

Keep busy, have a routine and sprinkle in new experiences to keep it interesting.

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

Hi Annya,

A simple confession of “I’m bad at this” covers a lot of ground.

Just say you get anxious in impromptu/sudden situations and you always seem to come off the wrong way. That you hope he didn’t misread you. That that wasn’t your intention! (At this point he should be comforting you, No, of course not! Don’t worry about it!) Then tell him you’re going to get coffee and does he want to come along.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Jennifer,

Change all your passwords on everything if you haven’t done it already. Get a security professional to go around your house and give you suggestions. (Lights that turn on when he steps on the driveway/grass, etc.)

Other suggestions some of which I’ve done: Get an intimidating looking dog, let the neighbors know, tell them to be as nosey as can be and come over when they see him, have a pair of dirty size 13 men’s work boots on your porch, borrow a friend’s beat up truck with deer hunting decals on it while your car is safely ensconced in a garage, the classic take different routes to work, stay at a friend/relatives house, get a roommate, let mention online that your new roommate is an NRA nut, take Krav Maga classes, eventually move again and get a different job in the dead of night.

One day I promise you, he will give up and move onto his next victim.

Been There! (I even got engaged and he thought I was making my fiancé up. It ended when I actually got married.)

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Inky.

Hi Again!

To answer your question, I was able to trust others again after I was able to trust myself. People sense when they’re in the presence of someone “not afraid to take out the trash” and who has done it before. You will only be treated better going forward.

Inky

Hi Zoe,

Don’t beat yourself up. Anyone, even the most non-analytical selfless person would find it hard to be in a relationship where you don’t see each other for weeks on end.

I suspect that your next relationship will be better. You won’t have to think or be “all about the ego” at all. You’ll be physically together with whoever it is and it won’t be so hard.

Best,

Inky

Hi Yuri,

I’ve been in emotionally abusive friendships and physically abusive family experiences.

What I’ve learned is to immediately and unforgivingly cut contact. This hopefully teaches the abuser a No Tolerance lesson that they cannot treat people like that (“even me”). What will happen is other people will try to minimize or dismiss your experience. Don’t stand for it.

For example, my sister said our father didn’t really beat me because I wasn’t put in the hospital.

I replied, “I had cuts and bruises to my head. There were no nearby hospitals (we were on vacation in a remote place). I won’t allow anyone to minimize what I went through which was physical assault. Don’t dismiss it. I was beaten by our father at 20 years old.” I said this publically. Mouths were hanging open. At my sister.

Be open. Tell the truth if asked, by anyone, simply, and without fanfare.

The shame is his or theirs. Never yours.

You’re doing the next people who enter his life a huge favor so they will be treated with respect as you should have been.

Best,

Inky