Hi Desiree (and Jay! LOL, sorry, I couldn’t read all that you wrote, but I’ll try to talk to you, too!)

All I can say is WOW!! You (and Jay) must be brilliant if you are a med student (and a law student) and still have time to complain about your boyfriend(s)!

What would happen if you told the guy that HE wasn’t a first priority? No offense, fella, but you’re the one who has to get through school!

I honestly wouldn’t take anything he does personally as he is young. Unless you’re going to marry the guy (you might not!), the mission of becoming a doctor (or lawyer) comes first. Once you are solidly in those professions, then you can revisit whether you want a relationship, and with whom.

My son is in a service academy and even he broke up with his girlfriend because there was “no time” and he can’t be distracted.

I would view having a boyfriend as optional.

Study Hard,

Inky

Hi PearceHawk,

It’s counter-intuitive, I know.

At the end of the day, I was still sitting alone, behind a desk, talking to people who didn’t know me IRL. And then if you try to start a community you think, things like, “How many people visited my page? Why is this other person online more successful than me? Why am I doing this?”

I think if you’re already connected IRL, then an online presence makes sense. But even if you do get an online community, unless you have a following big enough for city meet-ups, you will never meet any of your people IRL.

Hi Jess,

You don’t want to be with him right now, even if he does come back. The fact that he ended things (no matter what his reasons) says it all.

If he comes back (he will) say that YOU are taking a break. For HIS sake, as well as for yours.

You are giving him the gift of Time, so he can be stronger.

Best,

Inky

Hi Annie,

The dance teacher sounds weird, why would any student be too young to have a girlfriend? Even children have boyfriends/girlfriends LOL! So that very statement made no sense! So don’t think anything of it!

It’s hard when friends (much less boyfriends) are the same personality type as us and yet people flock to them. Is it because he drives? Works? Who knows. Maybe he’s more extroverted than you think!

It bothers me that he doesn’t deal with you at all when times are bad (when he grabs his phone). That means he has checked out and only likes it when everyone’s happy. Very surface-y way of relating to people.

And yes, go to therapy for the depression.

Best,

Inky

Hi Sarah,

The only person who can give us closure is ourselves. Only you can give yourself closure for the ghosting. And only he can give himself closure for the ghosting.

From the other side, I have had someone (we are in our forties now) apologize for something that (didn’t) happen at age 17/18. Yes, to me it struck me as a little arrogant. I wrote back, “I forgave you for that long ago LOL” and he was all “NO! I just want to say I’m REALLY, REALLY(!) sorry!!!” and I was all, “It’s OK” (omgpleasedon’tcontactmeagainthisisreallyweird)! I felt that HE felt I had been pining away for him for twenty five years and that creeped me out.

Forgive your very young eighteen year old self. As he has (if he hasn’t, he’s crazy, and RUN!)

Best,

Inky

Hi Stacey,

Regarding the boyfriend, I think you finally felt comfortable with someone for the first time in your life. You know the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt”? Well, you unconsciously kept lashing out at him. Not in one big way, but in a death by a thousand slashes way.

We cannot do that anymore. Listen. I’ve been married over twenty years and I STILL treat my DH with the utmost respect. (Except for some “Stop snoring! Jeez!!” night time frustrations LOL!)

In your next relationship keep your respect level at around Date 5: Familiar enough to have fun with him but still a little on your best behavior.

And what’s with us women and our laundry list of “Becoming our Best Selves”? Shelve The List, finish school, and strive to be happy.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Inky.

Hi Amanda,

We can only imagine what HE’S going through. The important thing to keep in mind is: They are having enough difficulty managing their illness. They cannot be responsible for our feelings as well. We CANNOT be a burden to them. The way he is acting towards you it is clear that he sees your constant emotional attention as a burden. He is under a tremendous amount of stress right now. He may not have the physical energy to keep up a conversation or is too plagued with legitimate worry for one.

The BEST gift we can give them is to follow their lead. I don’t know if this cancer is Stage 3 or 4 or what, but I’ve noticed that people can become very “selfish” and “trim the fat” of their lives knowing that their time is limited. You were only with him for a short time. Honor that by not making it more than it was.

I suggest visiting him once a month if he’s home and once a week if he’s in the hospital. And perhaps an OCCASSIONAL text/call/care package. Keep it light and happy.

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

Hi Mary899,

I suggest not dealing with those people at all! And then, when you do have to deal with them, seek sanctuary in politeness.

If they get mad at you, simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Yes, it is essentially a NON-apology, and might make them angrier. But that’s all they deserve for hurling insults at you. Don’t apologize for anything, especially if you have done nothing wrong!

As for the people who talk behind your back and give you the silent treatment, let them talk and let yourself relish in the silence of not dealing with them.

And find a better class of friends.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Inky.