Hi Heartbrokengurl,

Everyone has something, it seems, that could be construed as a “deal breaker”.

I suggest, yes, disclose it, BUT…

Downplay it and mention it in passing.

“By the way, I had issues with an STI problem, no biggie, just have to be careful” versus “I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS Relationship Killing THING… If you have any questions after your thorough research, feel free to contact me anytime, day or night…”

A lot of it is in the delivery. If you don’t treat it like it’s a big deal, other people will take your cue.

This guy may or may not continue a relationship with you, and it may have nothing to do with your STI going forward. One day you may also meet someone who says, “Me too!”

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi Harold,

Two things are going on here.

1. Even if the second girl never existed, the first girl would still have a tough character and not like texts or phone calls. That is just her personality.

2. You are indeed paying for choosing the other girl first. This one will NOT be second choice. Nor will she chase a guy or be all accommodating for him. That too, is her nature.

Your best bet is to keep trying, but be patient about it and don’t take things personally. If that is too hard, you should move on.

Best,

Inky

Hi Rox,

I mean, how bad were the emotional outbursts? If it was REALLY bad, then clearly that spooked him. But if you dared expressed displeasure then it’s good that he is gone. Why are women always the ones on audition for the guy? Why is it that the minute we express contrary opinions or emotions we are labelled “crazy” or worse?

I’m not saying that you should be abusive in your reactions to things. As long as you honor your feelings while honoring the people around you (or at least not dishonoring them) then you are fine.

Leave him alone. View him as a starter boyfriend until someone stronger comes along.

Best,

Inky

Hi Love100%,

You have to set boundaries with your mother. First of all, your DH married you, not your mother. Don’t force them or have them be in the same room as each other. They are like territorial cats now.

My suggestion is to see your mother once a month and talk to her no more than once a week, and then for only, say, fifteen minutes. And don’t communicate via technology/cell phones at all.

She may chafe at the boundaries. Say, “Every first Sunday of the month (or whenever) I’m all yours.” She may want to come over or have you guys go over to her. Say, “I’m/We’re busy. See you in X weeks!”

Tell her truthfully that it’s more peaceful when she and your DH are separated.

Your priorities are now: Child, Husband, and Mother distant third.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Azouz,

I can tell English may not be your first language, but the first thing that stuck out to me was that you used the word “dominant” several times. Here’s something to think about: Every woman is a Free Agent, her own Divine Being who belongs to No One. Sure, they may be in a relationship with you, but “You are only committed until you’re not”. That’s why she can turn around and date people the minute you break up. She is a person in her own right, with free will, inner thoughts, desires and dreams that have nothing to do with you.

So, Azouz, cast her loose. Let her go out with her cousin. Find someone new. Someone you respect who respects you so there is no “dominant” one.

Best,

Inky

Way to go, Liz!!! 🙂

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Inky.

Hi dreaming715,

What I would do (what I have done) is to Other-ize your parent. Some people are not mature enough for marriage. And for sure some people aren’t mature enough to be parents!

Do you know that even in the animal kingdom, there are bad parents? Strange but true. The cubs of the young, weak and “off” animals often pay the ultimate price.

I remember the end of the book Black Boy, when the author, in the last chapter, sees his no-good father. The author is now a sophisticated, famous writer, and influential in a political party, who lives in France. He sees his father who abandoned him long ago, and he is described as almost like a creature of the wild, that came crudely from out of the earth and is still working it.

If we are handed immature, crude, no-good parents, remember that they have done their job. They brought us into this planet. It is all they were/are capable of.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Vivian,

I don’t like this friend/”friend”. What would happen if you said to her, “Stop spending time with my boyfriend please.” She’ll feel awkward. He’ll feel awkward. You’ll feel awkward. The Group will feel awkward.

Let it be Awkward!

For once, let it be about you.

If he continues to hang out with your friend, if she continues to be best buddies with him and if the group condones all this, that’s your answer. Time then for a new boyfriend/friend/group.

Good Luck,

Inky