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Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,081 through 1,095 (of 2,508 total)
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  • February 16, 2017 at 4:37 am in reply to: Breakup and don't know how to move on #127835
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi heartbrokengurl,

    You have no time to lose if you want to start a family. Your Ex BF showed you what you DON’T want. This will help you clarify what you DO want. He left because he also, deep down, knows he can’t be the future husband and father he would need to be.

    The radio silence on Valentine’s Day is all the confirmation you need that you indeed made the right decision.

    Perhaps hire a quality matchmaker to get serious.

    Best,

    Inky

    February 15, 2017 at 4:50 am in reply to: Zig Zag Life #127679
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi idontknow,

    This is very common. I read a book long ago and at 3/4 of the book (it was a self help book with exercises) there was a chapter that said “I know you want to stop now”. The author then explained that there is something about the 3/4 mark where most people, yes, MOST, either stop or proceed in a very wishy-washy way. I remember there was a school teacher that said, “The bloom is off the old school rose” in the winter and “Finish up strong, boys,” in the spring of the school year.

    Maybe pick simple, small things you like and FORCE yourself to Finish Up Strong. Once you’ve mastered finishing small things, you can go on to master big things. Soon it will be second nature to follow through on projects.

    Best,

    Inky

    February 14, 2017 at 5:36 am in reply to: To argue or not to #127531
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Niyata,

    I would use the Broken Record Technique on him. This will do two things. One, it will nullify or cancel out any put downs he gives you. And two, it will show him that he’s not talking about the subject at hand.

    Example:

    Him: “Do you even have knowledge!”
    You: “Yes, actually, I have plenty of knowledge.”
    Him: “No, I don’t think you do!”
    You: “Yes, I have knowledge.”

    Repeat back like a broken record until he stops. Don’t argue, fight back, or defend.

    Other examples:

    Him: “Don’t even open your cracking mouth.”
    You: “I will open my mouth whenever I want to. Don’t swear.”
    Him: “You’re a !@#$!”
    You: “I am not a !@#$. Don’t swear.” (Repeat as needed. Monotone voice)

    Him: “You underestimate people.”
    You: “I disagree.” (Repeat as needed)

    Him: “You are so ignorant.”
    You: “I’m the opposite.” (Repeat as needed)

    Him: “You don’t know anything about the music industry.”
    You: “I have been part of the industry.” (Repeat)

    This is very effective. I brought someone to tears once because I would not let them put me down and was calm. They were afraid to speak to me, but when the did years later I was treated with the UTMOST respect! Not fake respect, but almost revered.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    February 13, 2017 at 4:12 am in reply to: How Can I Be Happy of Others' Accomplishments? #127305
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi thecarelessowl,

    When I feel that way I think it’s not so much jealousy as it’s the feeling that I’m falling behind. I blame media and the school system! LOL!

    The media is easy to explain. You can’t be the “best” at anything anymore. Now we compete with the world. In the old days you KNEW if you were, say, the best seamstress in town. You didn’t worry about The Kingdom or even know about the seamstress in the next village. And would get your self worth from that. So if you neighbor met The Queen, you would be delighted!

    And in school you have a syllabus, curriculums and grades. You knew exactly what to do and what to expect. If you did well, you’d get good grades and awards. In adult life it’s like the wild west. There is no rhyme or reason sometimes, why good things happen to middling people. And if they get an award, we’re all like, “Should I have gone for the same award? What if I went for it and failed and this person still got it, that would be tragic!”

    My advice is to pick one or two things you can put your heart and soul in and truly enjoy. Focus on those. The old feelings might come back, but there is nothing like being a little obsessed and taking delight in your own meaningful projects.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    February 12, 2017 at 9:15 am in reply to: Getting needs met in friendships #127275
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Bakedbean,

    Usually when we (especially women) make noises about our needs not being met, there is residual resentment and hard feelings in the other person. I don’t know why, and maybe it’s just what I noticed. So I wouldn’t say anything directly.

    For the book, I might give it back and simply say, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I couldn’t get into it.”

    Then NEXT year, invite those friends, family, and OTHER people to get together at a restaurant or for drinks. I guarantee that some people will give you wrapped presents or gift bags. The empty handed friends will feel like heels. Bonus if you can get a sister or cousin or someone to ask them pointedly, “What did YOU get Bakedbean?”

    We teach people how to treat us. Meaning, no unwrapped book gifts three weeks late with post-it notes.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    February 11, 2017 at 5:19 am in reply to: Have No Idea What Decision I have To Take #127235
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sinias,

    I agree with Nina Sakura. Do you live in the US or in a liberal country? If you are somewhat free to do what you want, I would stay with friends and family (not necessarily your parents!). The good news is he wants a divorce. The abuse he gave you gave you permission to leave, guilt free.

    And even 100 plus years ago when my people did arranged marriages, they at least honored the girl’s preferences! My great grandmother turned down an engagement. Your parents were wrong to make you marry the guy, even by 1800’s standards! Think about it.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    February 10, 2017 at 4:58 am in reply to: Fear being critical & fear of speaking up #127140
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Artful Apricot,

    The one thing that stuck out to me was that (and this is true of me): If your parent was critical, it can be devastating if she is “proved right” by people criticizing you in other facets of your life. We like to compartmentalize, and it’s great if, say, the horrible math teacher in fifth grade is sequestered in the distant past. But it’s horrible if she is “proved right” when you are yelled at by the boss in the present day.

    The other thing I’d like to add is be careful not to become your BF’s lay therapist. You are too close and you are not trained! Neither are we on the forums! (A paradox, I know! Take our advice, or… LOL!)

    Best,

    Inky

    February 9, 2017 at 5:06 am in reply to: How to heal the relationship to my father? #127087
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi alicharlie,

    I speak from personal experience…

    You have two choices (and can go back and forth between the two!)

    1. Accept your father the way he is.

    The hardest part of being an adult is the realization that our parents aren’t perfect. Far from it! And not only that, some people should not be married and should not have children.

    You might think he gives everything to the second family. No. It’s more like the wife finagled her own $$ or shared accounts with your dad early on. And if she suddenly dropped dead he would ignore those children as well. With these older men there is a common practice of letting the wife run the family’s social calendar. He doesn’t buy things for them. Not at all. The wife makes the house and the vacations happen.

    And some people try to make the second half of their lives fantastic. If they viewed themselves as a failure in the first half of their life (he was) it will be like the first 40 or 50 years never existed. You are just evidence of HIS failure in life. Not yours!! HIS!!!

    Bottom line: You cannot change the older generations.

    2. You can give him social fallout by not contacting him. He has to contact you. Years might parade by. You will be accused of being a bad daughter. But you reply your father has problems and the phone works both ways.

    In short, it’s either radical acceptance or it’s like he doesn’t exist.

    Best,

    Inky

    P.S. I practice radical acceptance during the holidays.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    February 8, 2017 at 7:57 am in reply to: Being myself while living with judgemental parent #127026
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Erin,

    This is why God created roommates. Find a likely apartment to rent and put an ad in for roommates. They could be good. They could be terrible. But they won’t be your mother. If you have any friends or family at all in a half hour radius of your job you could couch surf.

    Your mom’s not a bad person in that I bet she has no idea that she is the way she is and that her very mind-set pushes you away. There’s nothing like being at our parents to turn us into half our age!

    Make the huge sacrifices. Move out.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    February 7, 2017 at 7:53 am in reply to: Boyfriend Cheated and I am doubting myself !! #126953
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi julia9278,

    God, I hate those people ~ they get to be utter narcissists, block you… and then proceed to hang out with your friends.

    Listen, avoiding him and large social gatherings is good for now. BUT you WILL one day inadvertently run into him.

    It might as well be on purpose. Don’t seek him out, merely live your life. When you know he’ll show up:

    1. Before he shows up at A Gathering, say to your friends there, “Please help me deal with my crazy ex-bf”. (see what I did there?)

    2. When he shows up, yell cheerfully “THERE’S the cheat! Hey, I thought I told you we are NOT getting back together!” and/or “Why are you here?” and/or “Stop following me!” He will stammer, explode or get uncomfortable. Stay silent, cross your arms, make eye contact with someone, and shake your head sadly while looking back at him and remain silent. It will get awkward. LET IT BE AWKWARD. He is counting on you not letting it be awkward. Let him linger in the awkward.

    3. Tell your friends that you don’t want to hear about him or what he said about you. This will further let everyone know that you are not the crazy ex-gf and that maybe, just maybe, he’s the one with the problem.

    Your friends will quickly learn not to invite him and he will quickly learn to stay out of your realm.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    February 6, 2017 at 8:38 am in reply to: Help!!! Need advice!!! #126879
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi eversam2,

    In my mind you have one job: Protecting the children. You are doing that. Good for you!! Good for you for non-negotiating on that. In abusive situations the one not going along with the abuse is labelled bad. Congrats for saying “NO”!!

    Tell your DH when and if he is ever in a good mood that not only are you not dealing with your MIL anymore, you don’t want to hear about her or hear what she has said about you. That you will see her when she has been stone-cold sober for over a year. And that when the children are eighteen they can have their own relationship with her. (These will probably never happen).

    And by the way, add that SIL on your list. They sound like the types of people who would call Social Services because they need drama and will fabricate and believe the little stories they tell themselves about you.

    When your youngest is grown seriously revisit the state of your marriage and don’t be afraid to leave.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    February 5, 2017 at 6:12 am in reply to: Depression and some of its faces #126762
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nina Sakura,

    That’s a really great article, thank you!

    I admit that a couple of those I thought were just my personality, not depression. Like wanting to being (mostly) alone!

    There are some people though, who try to inflict #’s 1, 2, 5 and 6 in the article on you! They are the Real Life Dementors in our lives. Sometimes being alone is awesome until you can shed those types of people from your social tribe!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    February 4, 2017 at 6:42 am in reply to: Meth ruined my life #126692
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi deedeesabrina,

    My thought about this is: You got clean once, and you can do it again! Ask your mom for money so you can go into a rehab facility. You tried to manage this on your own. And you DID succeed! For more than a year! Now manage it with tons of support. I bet that will make help make all the difference.

    You CAN do this!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    February 3, 2017 at 7:24 am in reply to: Boundaries #126637
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi greenshade,

    I would just keep my head down and continue working. (With five minutes of obligatory small talk, of course). Eventually people will follow your lead and do their work as well.

    Oh, my boundary story…

    So an old friend wanted to store her stuff at our place. (She was “marking her territory” in other ways, so keeping her physical stuff for years on end was out.)

    Anyway, I politely said, “We are actually going to renovate and are getting rid of a lot of stuff, so you should rent a storage locker or ship it home.”

    She says, “I’ll ask your DH if that’s OK.”

    I replied, “I’m telling you no now so my DH doesn’t have to.”

    The day she was to leave she starts yelling about how much extra $$ bringing her stuff back would be at the airport.

    I replied, “It’ll cost more, that’s OK.” I held my ground. I was a calm broken record.

    After she leaves, we find a giant pile of her stuff in the guest bedroom.

    Then I had my DH ship them back to her. (I didn’t. He did. To prove a point that we’re a team.)

    She was pissed and incensed that we said “No” and then enforced the boundary by shipping her stuff back.

    And that’s my boundary story.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    February 2, 2017 at 5:19 am in reply to: Painful breakup – what do I do? #126587
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi matt,

    I agree with anita in that (unless her parents are paying the rent of course) SHE should move out as it was her idea to break up. If she really wants to break up she will put up with the headache of moving. As you are already dealing with heartache. When we break up with someone, we usually have put a lot of thought into it. The other person is usually blindsided.

    Of course, move out yourself if it is all too much for you. But I wouldn’t be packing boxes in your situation myself. That’s just me of course.

    If your friends are true, you can tell them, “We broke up and I DON’T want to talk about it. Please don’t bring her up. When I’m with you guys I just want to clear my head. Don’t tell me about her either. I DON’T want to know how she’s doing, if she’s moved, or if she’s with someone.”

    And promptly delete her from your phone and all social media. If she wants to contact you she can and will figure it out.

    One more thing: It is very unusual to still be with your college (age) sweetheart. It is high time for you to be with someone new, dare I say better for you. She is expired milk that threw herself out (but still wants you to move. Don’t.)

    Best,

    Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,081 through 1,095 (of 2,508 total)
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