Hi again Charlotte!

I haven’t been in your situation, but here’s what I did when I wanted to shed a friend politely.

I limited the amount of contact I had with him and I also limited the time/words.

From communicating every day the next month I wouldn’t write/call back on Sundays. The next month it was the weekends. The month after that I would only respond Monday thru Thursday. Finally every other week. At one point he went a bit crazy. But you know what I did? I let him go a bit crazy. Eventually we were “normal” together. We are friends to this day. But friends in small doses. Instead of long novellas in my texts it’s more one line sentences and an emoji.

You know what else happened? RESPECT for my feelings, and THOUGHTFULNESS in what he would say to me.

Actions speak louder than words. Yes, you distancing yourself will be awkward. Let it be awkward. Telling her will hurt her. This too will hurt her. Let her figure it out. That she can’t use her friends as “support” and constant security blankets. You are protecting your heart. You don’t have to friggin’ tell her WHY you’re doing limited contact. Just limit contact. And you don’t need to give her “closure” (if she asks for that one day). She can give herself her OWN closure. One day she’ll realize that *gasp!* you are a PERSON with a heart that can break and a soul that can yearn. That you have a LIFE (to go to post-grad studies) and a FAMILY (that you can show off your relationships to).

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Inky.

You are very welcome Charlotte.

May everyone involved find peace!

Inky

Hi Shelly,

Can you rent an apartment? Or share a nicer house with someone? Bring in a boarder? Refinance your mortgage?

I hate moving too, change stinks, I avoid it as much as possible. A lot of people are going through this, you are not alone!!

Best,

Inky

I’m not sure how to make it more clear, hmmm…

Let’s see… Cop the attitude and repeat everyday to yourself in the mirror, “All is well, including myself”.

Pick up the book The Power of Now. That will help.

And remember, everything is SUBJECTIVE. Meaning someone might say, “This is great!” and another person might say, “It stinks!” Which perspective is correct? Both? None?

So you be good with YOU and it will be OK.

Inky

Hi Liquidshake,

One reason I think is because we want to Prove Them Wrong. So if our father was no good, we attract no good people to finish the drama with our parent. If the other person who treated you like crap later apologizes, compliments you or changes for the better, we’ve Won. Thus turning back time, proving Dad wrong… or something. Totally unconscious behavior, you understand…

It could be that this person feels like “family” or our childhood environment, so we let them in.

How to get out… Well, first of all, no more unconscious default setting is allowed. We have to actively CHOOSE to not see them, answer their texts, etc. Or we have to CHOOSE to tell them off when they confront us in the flesh, and negate what they say. This can be very, very scary. The other person will come back harder because we’ve changed the script.

I remember telling someone, “No I’m not”.
*scoffs* “Oh but I think you are!”
“Nope, that’s not who I am.”
This went on and on until I got the last word.

What happens is they don’t mess with you anymore or THEY drop out of your life to look for the next victim.

Then there’s the “Why didn’t you get back to me?!”
You: “I got your messages, I haven’t processed those emails/texts/calls yet.” (You have better things to do)

We also don’t let them go because our world is so small. What we need to do is make friends with lots of quality people. When the abuser sees them around you or you mention them they often back off because you now have a squad. Of course, they may choose to isolate you too. NEVER make them isolate you!

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi sugarhut,

I would move and stay with your brother. If he hates your BF as much as you think, he will be THRILLED to play the hero!! It’s interesting that the BF would move in with you and not the other way around. Even though he has more $$$, YOU are in the power position here!

Move in with your brother, change the locks until you do, put BF’s stuff to the curb, get a new phone, deactivate any social media accounts.

You may need help doing this. Contact a women’s shelter. What he’s doing IS abuse, even though you have no physical bruises.

You don’t want your children to see someone treating their mom like crap and ignoring them. That’s abusive as well. Think about it.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi funmark,

You will always have a connection with this girl. But she is not girlfriend material ~ for anyone, it seems! So what you do is refer to her as “The One That Mattered”. This phrase simultaneously honors her, accepts her and has her live primarily in the past.

As for your romantic life, become comfortable with being a bachelor. You might NOT find another The One until you’re an older man. But leave your world open for The Universe to surprise you. You could meet The One That MATTERS tomorrow!

Blessings,

Inky