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Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,231 through 1,245 (of 2,505 total)
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  • September 13, 2016 at 4:51 am in reply to: Regret. Holding on or letting go? #115058
    Inky
    Participant

    Oh no the website ate my response!!!!

    To paraphrase:

    1. You were lukewarm in the relationship going in
    2. You were Ph.D. students
    3. You lived together
    4. You’re all still friends with your ex’s

    What a difficult combination!!

    Then to top it all off you acted totally UNCONSCIOUSLY!

    To her and others in the future: “Please”. “Thank you”. “Would you like me to…” “I totally understand that…” goes SUCH a long way!

    When she visits pretend she is a deity. Respect. Manners. Smile. Get her something to drink.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    September 13, 2016 at 4:30 am in reply to: An aburpt end to an ambiguous same-sex relationship #115057
    Inky
    Participant

    You are very welcome Charlotte.

    May everyone involved find peace!

    Inky

    September 12, 2016 at 8:01 am in reply to: An aburpt end to an ambiguous same-sex relationship #115001
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi charlotteccnc,

    Wow, your friend has the best of all worlds, doesn’t she?

    She gets to

    1. Keep your relationship a secret
    2. Have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend, and
    3. Tell you to NOT go far away to study for YOUR FUTURE!!

    Imagine if she were a straight male with ALL the privileges. What would the average person tell a girl whose boyfriend wants to keep her a secret, have a second girlfriend AND tells her not to go do her post grad studies so HE can be there when SHE gets emotionally upset??

    Dump her Charlotte, she is NOT emotionally safe for you to be around.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    September 11, 2016 at 4:42 am in reply to: to move or not to move?? #114915
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Shelly,

    Can you rent an apartment? Or share a nicer house with someone? Bring in a boarder? Refinance your mortgage?

    I hate moving too, change stinks, I avoid it as much as possible. A lot of people are going through this, you are not alone!!

    Best,

    Inky

    September 10, 2016 at 5:05 am in reply to: Deciphering Self #114821
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sbsudhan,

    I think a lot of single people feel this way of any sexual orientation!

    Is there a gay Match.com out there? I don’t know, but there has to be. Something beyond casual hookups!

    And as to “what’s wrong with you”. That’s an unanswerable question. Like, I felt like a freaking pariah in high school. But then I had loads of boyfriend/suitors in college. It wasn’t an Ugly Duckling thing. Pheromones? The environment? Who knows!

    I do believe there’s a lid for every pot. Keep looking!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
    September 9, 2016 at 6:03 am in reply to: Need Help deep inside. #114715
    Inky
    Participant

    I’m not sure how to make it more clear, hmmm…

    Let’s see… Cop the attitude and repeat everyday to yourself in the mirror, “All is well, including myself”.

    Pick up the book The Power of Now. That will help.

    And remember, everything is SUBJECTIVE. Meaning someone might say, “This is great!” and another person might say, “It stinks!” Which perspective is correct? Both? None?

    So you be good with YOU and it will be OK.

    Inky

    September 9, 2016 at 4:47 am in reply to: Need Help deep inside. #114708
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ramy,

    Sometimes WE have to make the decision to be OK with ourselves. I mean really: You’re eating right, exercising, being mindful, keeping busy and are genuinely a good guy! Some mystical over-soul figure isn’t going to reach down from above and proclaim, “YOU ARE OK”. That’s what I finally learned as an adult. No one’s grading, no one’s watching, and no one’s keeping score. And if they are, THEY would be cast out of my life immediately!

    I say, “I am OK with myself!”

    And if someone challenges me or asks for reasons or credendials, I reply, “Because I say so, that’s why!”

    Blessings,

    Inky

    September 8, 2016 at 4:51 am in reply to: Why do we go back?? #114590
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Liquidshake,

    One reason I think is because we want to Prove Them Wrong. So if our father was no good, we attract no good people to finish the drama with our parent. If the other person who treated you like crap later apologizes, compliments you or changes for the better, we’ve Won. Thus turning back time, proving Dad wrong… or something. Totally unconscious behavior, you understand…

    It could be that this person feels like “family” or our childhood environment, so we let them in.

    How to get out… Well, first of all, no more unconscious default setting is allowed. We have to actively CHOOSE to not see them, answer their texts, etc. Or we have to CHOOSE to tell them off when they confront us in the flesh, and negate what they say. This can be very, very scary. The other person will come back harder because we’ve changed the script.

    I remember telling someone, “No I’m not”.
    *scoffs* “Oh but I think you are!”
    “Nope, that’s not who I am.”
    This went on and on until I got the last word.

    What happens is they don’t mess with you anymore or THEY drop out of your life to look for the next victim.

    Then there’s the “Why didn’t you get back to me?!”
    You: “I got your messages, I haven’t processed those emails/texts/calls yet.” (You have better things to do)

    We also don’t let them go because our world is so small. What we need to do is make friends with lots of quality people. When the abuser sees them around you or you mention them they often back off because you now have a squad. Of course, they may choose to isolate you too. NEVER make them isolate you!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    September 7, 2016 at 4:29 am in reply to: What is this "stress" in relationships? #114456
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Csaba,

    I’m giving a long side-eye to this thirty year old girl. Who asks if you love them after the third date? Or sees someone almost half their age?? I’m stressed out reading about her and I’m not you!!

    As for your problem in general, it could be that you are not as calm and patient as you think. Relationships come with all these hidden and unspoken expectations. I think if you dated someone who had (TRULY) no expectations you would be a lot happier.

    Best,

    Inky

    September 6, 2016 at 4:29 am in reply to: Emotional abuse and why can't I let go #114363
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sugarhut,

    I would move and stay with your brother. If he hates your BF as much as you think, he will be THRILLED to play the hero!! It’s interesting that the BF would move in with you and not the other way around. Even though he has more $$$, YOU are in the power position here!

    Move in with your brother, change the locks until you do, put BF’s stuff to the curb, get a new phone, deactivate any social media accounts.

    You may need help doing this. Contact a women’s shelter. What he’s doing IS abuse, even though you have no physical bruises.

    You don’t want your children to see someone treating their mom like crap and ignoring them. That’s abusive as well. Think about it.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    September 5, 2016 at 6:31 am in reply to: My partner wants to keep kissing her best male friend #114284
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi green,

    Her guy friend is married, correct?

    I would become friends with his wife. Seriously. Talk about what’s going on. Have it all out in the open. All four of you meet and have it out. It will get awkward. LET IT BE AWKWARD. They are trying to make something that’s not OK normal.

    Your partner is utterly selfish.

    Open relationship? Fine. If that’s the way it has to be, then I would also be stick around until your son is older and then sell the house.

    I am sorry you are going through this.

    Inky

    September 4, 2016 at 6:09 am in reply to: Its Her #114182
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi funmark,

    You will always have a connection with this girl. But she is not girlfriend material ~ for anyone, it seems! So what you do is refer to her as “The One That Mattered”. This phrase simultaneously honors her, accepts her and has her live primarily in the past.

    As for your romantic life, become comfortable with being a bachelor. You might NOT find another The One until you’re an older man. But leave your world open for The Universe to surprise you. You could meet The One That MATTERS tomorrow!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    September 3, 2016 at 5:07 am in reply to: Need a miracle #114088
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi cherryblossom,

    At least your old boss liked you enough to want you back!! OK, don’t take all this personally ~ it is that tough out there!!

    What I would do is WHILE you are waiting for responses to the resumes you will still send out is create your own luck.

    Get a job in retail (I know, I know, you are overqualified), even if just a coffeehouse job. Then put ads in to the paper advertising yourself! Consultant, teacher/tutor, personal shopper, dog groomer, anything and everything.

    Everyone I know has three separate, unrelated side gigs going on. That they created.

    You will meet new people, be more flexible, and most importantly, transmute your anxiety into action!

    And yes, prayer works! At my lowest point I found myself fasting and reciting the Book of Psalms. Guess what it worked!!

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    September 2, 2016 at 4:28 am in reply to: Regretting Break Up? #113988
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi lorrainy,

    Not to be a cynic, but some of your grief is because technically he broke up with you. Hey, I was the same way. I truly thought my BF was more attached to me than I to him. In my secret fantasies of the romantic future he was never in them.

    But then when he broke up (technically) with me, I was the one devastated.

    You asked a loaded question. He answered honestly.

    Be careful, because they always come back. This bears repeating. They ALWAYS come back.

    You will be tempted to “prove” a connection exists. What will you do, how will you respond when he contacts you to see how you “are”?

    Best,

    Inky

    September 1, 2016 at 4:48 am in reply to: Feeling Stuck in my Relationship #113890
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi seeker 1234,

    Doing the math here, you met him in college/college age. Most college romances live and die there. As in, statistically, you won’t find your spouse in college (though many do). That’s One.

    Then you moved in together. That statistically is a coffin nail in relationships. You are less likely to get married if you live together. That’s Two.

    BUT

    It sounds like you did have a taste of the good life and did live abroad for a year. So you WERE living your life. And just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you haven’t lived your life.

    And your BF genuinely sounds like an awesome guy. If you tell him you want a little apartment just for you, you want to travel more, or even that you need a relationship sabbatical (there is a book called Marriage Sabbatical) I’m sure he would be supportive and not get weird about it.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
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Viewing 15 posts - 1,231 through 1,245 (of 2,505 total)
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