Hi Anna,

I’m of the belief set that “If it Happened Once, it Can Happen Again”. Has the world really changed all that much since you were 17-23? Have you? And the guy sweeping you off your feet immediately after you broke up… He came on the scene IMMEDIATELY after you broke up! So not so rare, is he? Know what I mean?

I think you’re heartbroken and still shaken up. It’s just a matter of WHEN you get back out there, not IF someone will enter your life.

I agree that you integrate with your town. Make friends with neighbors, in your job, at a place of worship, join the rec center. Then from there I predict something new and wonderful will develop!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi dantesinferno,

Don’t you see? You kicking your GF and infant out was exactly what your bio father in essence did. He rejected you. You reject them.

These aren’t self help books per se, but I like anything by Shmuley Boteach. By just reading his writings his duty to family and ethics rubs off on you.

You can give your bio dad a major “Eff You!” by BREAKING the cycle.

Clean up your act. Get clean. Be an integral part of your child’s life.

You can do this!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi naturelover07,

I think if you didn’t have a house and a dog together breaking up with him would be SO much easier!! Add your people pleasing instincts to that…

Listen, if your BF cheated on you, deep down he wasn’t happy either. And the fact that he got caught also means that subconsciously he WANTED you to find out!

Selling the house and letting him keep the dog would be a blessing to both of you. It IS a blessing.

When he fights, cries, pouts, argues, acts better or acts worse when you break up with him, just repeat to him and to yourself: “It’s a blessing.”

Best,

Inky

This is so long!! I am so sorry I only read through one part and skimmed the rest! In TB you’ll get the most responses if you keep things short and succinct because a lot of us don’t have tons of time, and this one deserves time to give proper feedback. That said, I’ll try to come back to this.

It sounds like this guy is an irresponsible user. I only got through the part where you moved to Spain and I am seething with rage for you!!

OMG, this guy will bleed you dry!! Change your number, block him from social media. Do NOT let him mooch off you. Now in Singapore?? Good grief!

You actually haven’t known him for that long. Once he is out of your life for good, before you know it you will have been broken up with him longer than you had known him. Then you will see clearly!

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Hi Tina,

One quote that helped me was, “Things turn out one way or another”.

Another one is, “What’s the worst that can happen? Now answer the question”.

Another time I was driving down the road and some cops had to block my road. I overheard the young cop say to the older one, “What if they get mad?” and the response was, “Let them get mad.” In that moment I swear I had a mini enlightenment!

You find a new job and then leave the toxic one. There will be change!

You confront your husband about your distrust. Let’s say he leaves. There will be a huge relief (believe it or not!).

You say “No” to people. They yell, pout, guilt trip, and are desperately unhappy. You look at them and think, “Huh, isn’t that interseresting how their heads spin around…”

I have yet to get rid of fear, but every year I’m that much closer to not thinking about what other people think and their agendas.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Hi liquidsnake,

To be honest, it sounds like you were both wrong!

1. Soul mates or not, she is a Free Agent. She is free to have friends and other close relationships.
2. That said, it was a little over the top of her to get all jealous of you and your friends/acquaintances.

Some people are great, but aren’t relationship material! At least with each other.

Best,

Inky

Hi Allison,

I was where you were ~ but without the new girlfriend..

The reply above put it best: It was “bewildering”. Bewildering is a perfect adjective.

I was all, “What the..?” as I was the one with “higher mate value” if you compare our stats on paper (on a very surface-y level, he actually had a lot going for him!). I did settle, though, I’m not going to lie. He chased me, I eventually let him get me, we were happy, then we coasted, then HE broke up with ME (!), I was inexplicably devastated, and I would see him wandering about campus positively HAPPY! I felt like I was carrying the grief for both of us.

Ironically, if I broke up with HIM, I would probably have been fine, and he would have been a bit of a mess.

Why?

Because being dumped/rejected triggers our primal and childhood abandonment issues. That’s all it is.

Say, “Yup, there’s that primal Abandonment Equals Annihilation fear again!” Or, “Hello, repressed childhood!”

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 12 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 12 months ago by Inky.

Hi again, greenshade!

When you say he is “unavailable”, is he married?

It’s too bad you guys already fooled around (thus showing that he is a cad), otherwise I would counsel HIM to break up with the girlfriend he’s clearly unhappy with.

Anyway, you did the right thing going forward and this is not your problem.