Hi rennie,

AAAHHH, we found The Trigger, which is this:

You are supposed to stay with the same person forever, because that is what Love Is. But two of your friends/family broke The Rules. AND it worked out in their favor!! Interesting ~ he is mad at your female friend for leaving!! That is because YOU could leave HIM!

It’s like he was “brainwashed” (his thoughts) into thinking everything was fine, but those crazy friends broke the rules and are with the loves of their lives! So he is all conflicted!!

Now he wants the veneer of a gorgeous home, a five course meal and a thin(ner) wife!!

This may pass, like the common cold, but it also may not. Now the internet will tell me some of my advice is WRONG, but here’s what to do until he’s over this dangerous phase. I haven’t “been there” but I’ve SEEN IT. I’ve done some of these accidentally and noticed a difference!

1. A vacation to clear your heads
2. Don’t see the friends for a while, nice as they may be
3. Have professional photographer take head shots of you. You know, you’re all made up, hair done, black and white, face close up, enhanced, etc. Hang it subtly yet prominently so he HAS to see how gorgeous his wife is EVERY DAY.
4.Always have the house entrance neat, the kitchen clean, laundry put away and beds made this year. Now, I know this is NOT FAIR. We are just going to get him out of this mid-life crisis PHASE.
5. Bring something new and wonderful in your lives to DISTRACT him! Season tickets to his favorite team, golf (men love golf) that type of thing.
6. When I’ve gotten a new “look”, a new hair style, or even my nails done, my DH freaks out a little inside. “What’s going on??”
7. Walk around with a bounce in your step and a smile on your lips. He will wonder what’s making you so happy!!

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Not to be That Person, but it IS possible there IS someone else. This is just like my Dad!! It turns out there WAS someone else! Even if it’s not a person, SOMETHING triggered him. “My life sucks. You suck.” What the heck was The Trigger? He will deny, deny, deny. But what was it? Seeing his best friend bust out of The System? A conversation with his first love? Seeing a certain movie? Reading an old journal? What?

Hi Alex,

I get very jealous when I see other people have a father-daughter relationship. I’ve had a great step-father and an amazing father-in-law as well as a doting grandfather… but guess what “It’s not the same”.

Of course I think, “What is the magic formula where if I have X qualities and say Y things and do Z and say Q things at S times and look T ways, THEN he will be a father to me!” But if I have to jump through six hoops and everyone else (seemingly) on the planet has to do nothing, then that’s not a good/true parent’s love, is it? HE has failed YOU!

What would happen (try it, you have nothing to lose) if you:

1. When he insults you say, “I don’t accept that”/ “I am NOT stupid”/”There’s no reason to speak that way to me, you can talk to me respectfully”?

2. When he compares you to your step brother or his friends’ children, YOU compare HIM to your fabulous in-laws and the other fathers you know?

3. Have it out with him. Now, I did, and all my dad said was, “It’s not in my nature” (to be an active father). It might not work BUT it WILL make him THINK!!

Blessings,

Inky

H Zariah,

You might place a lot of importance in other people hoping subconsciously that they’d somehow Make Up for the way your parents treated you, AND/OR to show you by their approving of you that YOU are OK, that THIS is how normal people/the rest of the world REALLY behaves!

Some relative calmness comes with time and age. One day I realized that I was the average age if not part of the older crowd in any room. I can have no Father Figures anymore. Teachers are now sometimes younger than I. Where then, does the wished for approval go?

There’s a Buddhist phrase: “Be like a rhinoceros in the wilderness”. Meaning, you are your own entity. You be you!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi lucylou,

I read your whole post, and for all the very real drama and heartache, I couldn’t help wonder: Does your husband exist??? This reminds me of a story where a wife had not one, but two lovers. The husband was oblivious. It got so bad between the lovers that one murdered the other! Only in court did the husband realize that his wife was living in a whole other Realm!!

It is so easy to get caught up in our own Universe. Some people have many Worlds. I bet your husband might have his own that you know nothing about. Would you consider that a betrayal?

Also: Sadly some men target married friends to get involved with because they are “safe”. He knows you won’t tell anyone, so that means he gets to have many other Lives and Adventures … and you can’t get mad!

If you want petty revenge, sure, you could let his GF know. But I bet this guy WOULD tell your husband.

And yes, Family is what keeps most people together. Even empty nesters with grown children living out of state. After you are divorced and are single for real, no longer believe in that tired “When the kids are grown” line. (Some men never leave because they like the whole Family Legacy/Patriarch thing. As well as not having to go through an expensive divorce to get rid of a wife that’s not half as bad as you’ve been led to believe!) Stick with other single people.

Best,

Inky

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Hi Hannah,

What would happen if you change the script. Say, lock your wallet in your car or put it somewhere where it’s not worth the trouble to go after it? Or (if possible) keep a minimal amount of food in your house? Only have veggies around? (Your room mate can help with this).

Then, there will be some horrible, awkward times that you can’t have your “fix”. But you know what will happen? You will find another fix that’s non-food related. Try not to exchange one bad habit for another. I recommend binge watching Netflix, or losing yourself in all of Jane Austin’s novels. Or iPhone games.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Brav3,

Some people never move on. (Not you, I’m sure you’ll move on!) But guess what, even if you don’t, that is a testimony of how deep your capacity for love is. Meanwhile, move on even if it’s in the most shallow and surface way. Do things that can’t be undone in the morning. Keep moving! One day you will have peaceful days and restful sleeps!

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Hi meowtown,

I always wanted four children (go figure) but after the third my DH said, “No More”. I had the exact same feeling you had! Eventually, you know what happened? My 35th/ came and went. Looked at the statistics. Not good. Then DH turned another decade older. Statistics still not good. Do we really want a high risk pregnancy and the potential stress of very real problems down the line? Maybe God/The Universe is doing me and the child a favor. Maybe I’m only meant to raise three blood related children as that may be the limit for this family. Adoption and fostering is not an option as my DH is tired and “done”.

Now other people, places, things and projects are taking the time, attention and energy I would have given to the fourth child. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll have to take care of a nephew or grandchild. Or I will have a mentee close to my heart.

Peace will come with time, I promise you!

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Inky.