Dear unworthy (can you change your username? Unworthy you’re not!),

Not to be all simplistic, but life works best when we do things in the right order.

I wouldn’t see him (or anyone!) until your daughter is grown. I mean, yes, you can have a romantic life, but only during school hours LOL! My point is that kids don’t need this “Other” in the background (or foreground) stealing their parent’s attention. And the fact that he’d get mad about where you allocated your time ~ a bad sign and what message/s does that give your daughter?

My view is he had his chance with you ~ back in high school! It’s time for a relationship where you can be with a fellow grown up ~ who acts like an adult!

Best,

Inky

Hi soopy,

You are very young. As you get older, you will be more able to say “No”, more able to discern BS, and less likely to feel anything for this character. Why do you think he chose you? Because of your youthful optimism and forgiving nature! He himself is very young to have two (ex) wives and children. Meaning you were to be the next victim!! And then he would treat you the same way.

What I would do is immediately date other guys, preferably closer to your age. Don’t answer the door when he calls. (How entitled of him! “She’s not doing anything, I’ll just drop by!”) Do you have room mates? Get some, let them know what’s going on. He also can’t get you alone to “talk” if you are never alone!

Your time and attention are his “Food”. You must starve him of his source (you). Trust me, he will then go on to his next target.

Is it possible for you to quietly and quickly move as well as deleting your number? I know it’s not fair, but he knows how to soften you. I don’t want you to be his third baby momma!

Be Strong,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.

Hi oldsouledhippie,

I had over protective parents too. I totally get everything!! The worst one, my mother, suddenly dropped the reins though when I turned 19. It was like, in the nest one minute, and flying the next. No in-between!!

But here’s the thing: You have to go to college. I don’t care if it’s night school at the local Community College. Something out of the house that gives you some semblance of independence.

Do you have any aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins you could visit? Here’s an idea: Visit them. And don’t come back! I am not being sarcastic. My cousin stayed with us for years during her post-grad years and it was wonderful ~ for everyone!

When you leave, your parents can’t do anything because you are an adult. They can’t call the police because you are over eighteen and will tell them that you are leaving!!

Instead of listing what you can’t do, figure out what you can and how you can make it happen.

You can do it! You are (despite your parents) a grown-azzed woman!!

Inky

Hi Nicholemarie,

I REALLY like Anita’s advice! This way YOU are inviting THEM, and YOU set the unspoken boundaries!!

Some thoughts… I think your DH likes the other couples because they remind him of his care free single days. But what was funny to do at age 20 can be downright creepy at 30 (like your story above). Also, you are now seen as the “Downer” or the chick that sucks the air out of the room. Now, of course you are right, I’m not saying that!! But often when we are the only ones who do the right thing, that’s how the Group Think will portray us.

In addition to Anita’s advice is this: You must proactively invite NEW people into the mix!! Every month invite a new couple into your home!! This way, before you know it, DH and you will be surrounded by dozens and dozens of normal, good people! A few bad apples then won’t matter, much less contribute to the dent in your marriage.

Good Luck!!

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.

Hi Shae03,

I would put the ball in her court. A certain way to turn people off forever is to say, “Let me know how you feel in a day or two.” Then there’s the added pressure of a dead line, or them dreading seeing you ~ because it’s bad news! I would say, “OK, you have my number, it was really great meeting you and I’m glad I know you!”

If there is no pressure from your end, her thoughts and fantasies will tend to take a more positive turn.

If nothing happens I would throw a party (like next month, not now) with a half dozen friends and invite her to hang out. Then it’s low/no pressure, she’s not your “date” and she will meet your other friends and feel comfortable around you.

Be the cool, low pressure guy.

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.

Hi lookingtothestars,

I’m sorry you can’t get away from her! Well… You can be direct with her (what advice givers are supposed to say: “Talk to her about the problem”)… You can also be nice and polite, but see if you can’t sit with someone else, or read a book, put headphones on, close your eyes (napping). When she starts in, you have a headache, or a sore throat. Or bring other people into your conversation. Or introduce her to other people. You know. Change the script. See if YOU not being always available to talk snaps her out of this.

And cheer up! The school year is almost over!

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi arguseyed,

Venting is seen as negative. Venting, however, is sometimes necessary, otherwise we would kill our friends! LOL! Some people you can vent to, others you can’t. I have one friend who complains all the time though, I mean never do that. But do find people you can vent to once in a while!

Best,

Inky

Hi Saxsia,

What helped me ~ tremendously ~ was taking a Krav Maga class. But any boxing, fighting or self defense class will do. It brings out, stokes and grows whatever fire and aggression you have within you. The will to fight. The will to live. Truly live. Pick a local class, but also one that’s a little more hard-core.

And of course, see a doctor if you haven’t yet this year.

Good Luck!

Inky