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iris valera

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  • in reply to: Devastating break up and self hatred #44449
    iris valera
    Participant

    Hi Oskari!
    Hope yo are coping the best way you can. But the best way to move on and carry on is acceptance. Don’t get controlled by your anger. Try to manage it. If you want to cry, and then cry. No use fighting the emotion you have, as long as it does not make you do harmful things.
    But then again, it’s about perspective. Maybe it is time to have a clearer view of the world. Life is not perfect, It can’t be and will never be. And so are relationships. Things are all temporary, and people change, no matter what you do. Some stay, some just disappear or go away. And still others may leave you at any moment. You can always think of the good memories, but you can’t hang on to them forever. Acceptance is the best way to let go of things and move on. Your ex-gf’s emotions were real then. But people change. And perhaps, she changed too soon. That was then, so you might as well live on the present. She might not have lied about her true feelings for you within those five years, but as I’ve said, that was then. What about now? Does she still feel the same?
    You cannot question people for what they feel or what they do. You can only let them be. Cause one way or another, we do things we can’t explain ourselves sometimes. And it is us who can better understand why.
    So even as you try hard to understand her true nature, her true feelings or why did she do something like that, it’s only her who can understand herself better. She might not be able to explain it better to anyone, cause maybe, she really can’t. No matter the complexity of a person’s nature is, I think, she’s the only one who’s responsible with it.
    Try to focus not on her, but focus the energy on yourself. Maybe you need to love yourself first before you will be able to totally understand other people or love them, too.
    Believe me, been there, done that. And I have totally moved on. And don’t ever doubt yourself. I mean your being a bisexual. It doesn’t matter at all. You just have to find the right person, or the person with a similar perspective on things so you can grow together and not grow apart.
    I am not sure if I am making this clear, but that’s what I think.
    Don’t be too hard on yourself. πŸ˜‰

    Iris

    in reply to: How to deal with extreme loneliness? #44148
    iris valera
    Participant

    Hi there!

    Have you tried keeping things in balance? What I mean is, work hard but play hard as well. There is no use working so hard while leaving out relaxation. Feelings like this are sometimes triggered by stress or lack of activities other than your work or your university life. Try getting together with your close friends, go out with them and just enjoy your free time, hang out or even have good conversations over dinner or coffee. Maybe you just lack enough human connection either through communication or just being with others for fun…Cheer up! πŸ˜‰

    in reply to: Devastating break up and self hatred #44145
    iris valera
    Participant

    i kinda feel sad about this. But the only thing I can see in here is that, your ex-girlfriend is trying to play safe. What I mean is that, when things about his new man was not that sure yet (I mean about the visa and all else), she wanted to make sure somebody would be there to replace that man, in case he won’t be staying.That girl is kinda ruthless, self-centered and could not hold her own. She is sort of manipulative, knowing that you are still in love with her, so she gets whatever benefit she gets from you. What’s going on? Simple. She’s playing all her cards well, playing really well. So what I can say is that, you deserve better, man. Forget her. That’s the best thing to do. The reason why you are still holding on is that, you didn’t try to resolve it. You have to yank yourself out of this situation and focus your attention on SOMETHING or SOMEONE else. If you want to understand it better, if you are familiar with the movie “500 Days of Summer”, take the time to watch that movie. You’d see how somebody who’s so hung up with his ex moved on. Hope I was able to help πŸ˜‰

    in reply to: things happen, bottle is full. #39118
    iris valera
    Participant

    Hi Somwan!

    You said there are things you don’t know. maybe you don’t need a friend right now. why not try gaining wisdom from books? have you tried that? you will learn a lot of things from there. it will help you understand your world and what’s going on around you. before you can do things in actual, try to gain knowledge about them first. as of the moment, that’s the best i can tell you. i understand that you’re going through so much. so, if people can’t help you, maybe there are books that can explain what you’re going through. try it, okay?

    Best Regards,
    Iris

    in reply to: Struggle #39117
    iris valera
    Participant

    Hey! the best thing to do, either forgive her totally and accept her for what she is now, or just leave her and bury things behind.

    those things she has done will always be a “ghost” that haunts you back to no end. they will keep coming back as long as you are still with her. so the only solution i can think of is leave and find someone you be really be happy with, someone you can accept for what she really is.

    … or you can go and continue suffering. end your misery. i guess you know what to do, you just don’t wanna do it.

    Iris

    in reply to: I don’t know how to keep going #39116
    iris valera
    Participant

    hi Christina!

    I wish i could ease your pain. but for now, i can only suggest things to do or place to go. try to read some books of healing. a lot of them, especially psych books will help you understand and accept things that might be confusing you right now. you can find answers through them, so someday you can move on and live life fully.

    i know that religion actually depends on one’s faith. but if you do have a God, an Allah, just go to church and talk to Him. let it all out. cry it all out. find friends who can really empathize and understand your situation. people who would just listen and help you unload those emotional burden.

    and if you haven’t found the right philosophy in life yet, try reading and studying Buddhism. most of the questions i have been asking before were answered by this philosophy.

    so there. i hope you can find more ways to cope. only you can pull yourself out of that pit and live again. if there’s a will, there’s a way. God bless you.

    Iris

    in reply to: Falling out of Love… #38561
    iris valera
    Participant

    Peter has put it perfectly: “To accept the IMPERMANENCE of all things in life is the letting go that helps you find a new strength and resolve to move forward.”

    in reply to: Bad "Luck" In Love? #38560
    iris valera
    Participant

    Hey, Alisha!

    First off, you said you are in your mid-twenties, perfect time to enjoy singlehood and freedom to whatever you want, go wherever you want and be whoever you want. you’re so young to be thinking you are bound to be single for life. lol!

    The right time will come , and the it will the moment you never expect it to happen. Trust me. When you seek it, it’s like you’re chasing it away. You just have to enjoy your freedom being unattached at the moment.

    Each of us has preferences. And each preference doesn’t define the other person chosen or not chosen for every relationship. Perhaps the guys you did like for once, don’t prefer your personality, not because you do have a bad one, but because those guys are aiming to find someone that fits the bill. Does this make sense?

    It’s like you are looking for a pair of shoes in green color, and all that you see are red ones. No matter how fabulous they are, you don’t just pick a pair, ’cause you prefer a pair of shoes in green color.

    Perhaps you have not come across that person who prefers your personality yet. Then while still single, take the time to discover more about yourself, and what personality you prefer among guys. Maybe that will help you bring to the right place where you can meet the guy that is in sync with your personality, or that person who is just as amazing as you. So don’t rush or force things even. Take time and enjoy life.

    Iris

    in reply to: Am I weird? #37944
    iris valera
    Participant

    hi there!

    weird? i don’t think you are. what you are going through right now is just part of the process of growing up, things you experience during a transition period, from being a teenager to an adult. others your age may not feel the same way. i would say you are a late bloomer.

    late bloomers aren’t as well-equip as their peers in dealing with all the emotional changes while growing up. there’s just a lot of things they don’t readily understand, because their capabilities usually develop at a much later stage or later than usual. their talents usually show up later in life, so there is nothing you have to worry about. finding things or demands overwhelming is just normal. you just have to take time and let your family understand.

    i am a late-bloomer myself. and during that period, i had the staunch belief that opening up to the world or to people would just make me vulnerable. as time went by, i was finally able to carve out my niche, learned how to connect with people and discovered what a talented writer and artist i am. but the realization didn’t really happen until much much later. so have faith and be patient.

    Iris

    in reply to: Devastating break up and self hatred #37867
    iris valera
    Participant

    Hey!

    I know how it feels. feels like you’re dying, right? and i’m sorry for that.

    you need to get away from her for a while. stay out of her sight. try hard to avoid everything that may remind you of her. go some place else. it’s the best time to take a break from everything. take a sabbatical and allow yourself to grieve: cry, sulk, feel the pain. purge everything. cry out loud. allow the pain and sorrow to take over till you can’t feel anything anymore. it’s good that you are seeing a counselor. she or he will be a big help.

    but i have to remind you of this: nothing is permanent in this world. in the end, it is acceptance that will help you heal. nothing stays the same forever. and you, being young, time is with you at the moment to learn everything you could from this adversity.

    been there myself. and it took me five years to really heal and accept that nothing on earth stays the same forever. what i have learned from it is recognizing the realities of this world, and living accordingly.

    as long as you’re still alive, you’re gonna get through this. for the time being, you have to go through the pain, with the help of your counselor of course. getting depressed and feeling hatred are very normal. let yourself be. some heal faster, others take the slower route. but the process is normally around 2 to 3 months.

    and remember this: we all have the so-called love of our lives at one point or another. some stick together. others grow apart after sometime. relationships aren’t always stable, especially long distance ones. but most often than not, we usually fall for who we are with most of the time. it’s human nature. humans are social beings. and the more we spend time with a person we are interested in, the more chances of falling for that person. but then again, it all depends to the person involved.

    at the moment, you would think she’s the only one you ever wanna be with. that’s fine. but to repeat. nothing stays the same forever. you will meet someone again, love again. you just have to open your heart to possibilities. trust me. after a decade, i did fall that hard for someone again. harder than i could ever imagine.

    stop looking down at yourself. you should be your own bestfriend, try not to define your worth according to others’ judgment. believe it or not, your girl finding another man has nothing to do with you. people do what they do not because of us, but because of them. there is totally nothing wrong about you. there is no truth to what you have said that you are not good enough for her. what she chose to do about it just revealed who she really is. but then again, people change. all of us do. and the key to live a life less the anxieties of this world is to understand and accept that we cannot hold onto anything forever. and as soon as each of us acknowledge that fact, we can live peacefully knowing fully well that anything can be taken away from us at any moment.

    Stay strong. you can get through this.
    Iris

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)