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JayJayParticipant
Hi again, George,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply.
It sounds like your early experiences of life have led to the way you are and behave now, even though time has moved on.
Time can move on from living through those experiences (and some of yours sound pretty hard to have dealt with) but we can get stuck in that time warp forever. If this happens, then we continually go back and do the same things over and over again, even though we know it will not improve our relationships or our lives as a whole.
Are you having, or have you had, any quality psychotherapy or any help from a counsellor so that you can deal with those things in your past that are affecting your present way of dealing with things?
Have you taken any steps to try and erase those voids you see in your life?
I hope you can come back to me on these questions, and maybe I can help further.
Best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantDear IpkR09,
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
I hope that by telling you of my situation you might find some answers to yours.
My sister is very similar to yours. She is jealous of me for the same reasons that your sister is. I am a high achiever and she has always found it extremely difficult to cope with that. I couldn’t understand why for a long time why she couldn’t just be happy for me, as I was when she achieved things in her life – but always the competition, the misunderstandings, the arguments, the denigration – and the eventual discards. She also deprived me of my friends wherever that was possible, especially in my teenage years, but in later life as well.
We spent a few years not really speaking. But like yourself, it was usually me who made the first move towards making it up, whether it was my fault or not.. it usually wasn’t my fault. But I did it anyway, for exactly the same reason that you do – ‘ because i feel someone has to(we are siblings after all) and i know she wouldn’t…’.
I was also brought up by my grandparents most of the time, and they taught me that I should always love my little sister (she is younger than me by just under three years) no matter what she did. That I should forgive her, no matter what she did. I think that bit got ingrained into my psyche at a very early age. My sister, meanwhile, learned from an early age, that whatever she did to me, it didn’t matter. She would always be forgiven, and not just by me, but by the family. I learned that it didn’t matter what my own needs were, as my sister’s needs were always much more important than mine. She shouted the loudest!
So fast forward to this year. We have had some pretty important decisions to make concerning our mother. My sister still makes the decisions. She will ask me what I think, but my answers are not important to her. If I agree with what she says, then everything is fine. If I don’t agree, then I get the arguments, the trantrums, the dismissal of my views and the discards.
I eventually came to the understanding, (with Anita’s help for some of this thinking – and thanking her again for this!) that nothing was ever going to change. Especially my sister. But more importantly, any change would have to come about by me changing, not my sister.
I eventually realised that I needed to give myself permission to break free from the constrictions that had been imposed/ingrained on me at an early age. We are both a lot older now. I’m now in my 60s. I have mentally broken free of my sister and no longer feel any need to be the first to make up after arguments. In fact, we no longer have arguments, because I won’t even discuss anything with her… there is simply no point. I have given myself permission to put myself first, and part of that is to not engage with her if at all possible. Before this came about, I spent a lot of time either feeling guilty or feeling angry and resentful towards her. Now I have given myself permission to put myself first, things are a lot better. If she ends up not speaking to me, I don’t react. I certainly don’t apologise or creep like I used to. No more the doormat!
You don’t need your sister’s permission to do anything. You can actually go out with whoever you like. You can live your life for yourself and – most importantly – your needs are as valid as your sisters.
Even though our different cultures might have a separate bearing on this, it seems some sisters are the same wherever in the world we live.
I hope sharing my story gives you a little insight into your own sister. And I repeat – you don’t need her permission to live your own life. You don’t need anybody’s permission if you are over the age of consent. It sounds like this man is genuine and caring, and has some insight into how to move forward towards a future together, whilst being respectful of your culture and a need to get things right. Although I agree with what you say:
Also, he feels this period will help us convince our parents and my sister in particular that we are mature enough to not think emotionally but logically. I am not very mature in this aspect and apart from making my parents unhappy, I feel I need not give anybody any explanation.
I also think you don’t need to give anybody an explanation. But that fact that he is willing to try and work around this, does indeed show maturity.
With best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantDear Bell,
I agree with what Peter and Anita have said above.
The early traumas associated with your childhood are affecting your present life and relationships. If you can acknowledge that you can be toxic in relationships, then you are able to remedy this. It’s really only the people who can’t or won’t admit their own faults that cannot work to get past them and into a better place. It’s a hard, often lonely path to travel, but have faith in yourself. You can get through this.
As Anita has suggested, this would be better with some kind of quality psychotherapy and I agree – it’s a lot to tackle on your own. Can you visit a doctor and get medication for depression for a little while, for example? Might a doctor recommend some therapy for you?
i can’t even focus in work and study. and i feel terrible knowing my future is at stake. i feel my whole life crumbling. facing him everyday and seeing him happy like his usual self, it hurts so much to see that he can move on with life.
Take a leaf out of your ex’s book, and be a happy self.. even if it is so hard to do, even if it’s just on the outside. You also need to move on with your life. Try to show everyone, outwardly at least, that you are moving on. Your thoughts will catch up with your outside demeanour eventually… give it a try. Smile. Go and find your friends again, if they are true friends, they won’t mind that you neglected them for a while.
Be glad for him, that he seems able to move on. See if you can find some way to try and do the same. It must be so hard when you have to work with someone that you previously had an attachment to. Would it be possible for you get a transfer to a different space – a different office maybe? Or look for a different job?
with best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantDear Sam,
I agree with Mark… I also don’t think kissing someone else at a party is ‘cheating’ either, not in a real sense.
What is coming across to me here is that you are feeling extremely guilty over this incident, the one which led to the loss of the relationship.
Now, in life, we all make mistakes. We are human and we fail sometimes. You are very young, and this was your first boyfriend?
The only way to navigate through life is to learn by our mistakes. So, you made a mistake and now you want to punish yourself for it, because you want to somehow feel the pain that you inflicted on your first boyfriend. Meanwhile, he has forgiven you and moved on.
So you are wanting this second boyfriend to be mean to you and think that if you somehow distance yourself, or wish that he would cheat on you, it would only be what you deserve.
Do you think that, if this new bf actually does what you are wanting him to do that it will make you feel better about yourself? I can tell you now, that it won’t make much difference at all. Feeling better about ourselves actually comes from within, not from outside. I can understand why you want to push him away and make yourself suffer in that way though.
All you really need to do is forgive yourself for that mistake you made (which wasn’t really the greatest crime, now was it?) You have learned a hard lesson in life and relationships, but you shouldn’t keep beating yourself up about it. Embrace this new relationship for what it is, and not because you want to, in some way, use this new boyfriend to punish yourself. Leave all the clutter of the past boyfriend behind you and let go of all that blame you’ve built up inside yourself and which is hindering your present life.
You can’t change the past. You can’t change the future either. All we ever have is the moment we are living in right now. Let it go, stop thinking so hard, stop trying to punish yourself (and the new boyfriend – by getting him to react to a situation he has no knowledge of) and just enjoy this time with your new boyfriend.
With best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantFamily situation:
In regards to how my parents are looking after me too much. For example if they decided to go on a holiday for a week. My mum would prepare meals for me to have everyday and would call me everynight to check in that everything is okay. They would also feel bad about leaving me and my mum would worry about me being alone. Even though I have been totally fine in the past.This really sounds like your mum is suffering from separation anxiety over leaving you. Or perhaps guilty about leaving you. That your Mum assumes you won’t be able to cope or feed yourself even, unless she is in control of your situation, even if that control is from a distance. Bless her, she is unable to see you as an adult, but sees you more as a child in need of her care and constant attention. It’s up to you to change her mindset really, as simply accepting this way of her doing things is not really good for either of you.
As an only child herself, your mum would be repeating behaviour from her own childhood of growing up and this might be the reason she babies you. I think it’s up to you to let her know that you will be perfectly able to cook your own meals, etc., while she is away and maybe go some way towards releasing her from her anxiety over whether you can cope or not. She obviously feels that you can’t look after yourself, whereas you know you can. Perhaps you could cook some meals some days instead of her – show her that you can do it, rather than simply accepting that it’s her role to ‘look after you’?
How do you see her reacting if you did leave home? I mean if you left home right now, without doing the above?
Jay
JayJayParticipantDear Guatam,
She is trying to tell you, the best way she can, trying to let you down gently, that she is not thinking of you as anything other than a friend. That she has no sexual desire for you. That she would like you to stay close but at the same time, feel free to date others and get on with your life.
I agree with all that Inky, Anita and Mark have said in earlier threads.
The only part of that email that rings for me is the bit at the end:
I’d want you to stay. Always.
Not as a lover, not as anything else, but as a “special someone”.…So she wants you to stay in her life, but she doesn’t need you to be anything other than a ‘special’ friend. That’s a bit selfish of her, don’t you think? Ok to leave you hanging around just in case.. but not wanting you to get any closer.
I’m not surprised that you are confused, especially as you had thought that this relationship was special enough to propose marriage.
She has told you the gentlest way she can that she is not interested, and (I think) is trying to let you down gently. So it is not to be. So ok, be a special friend when she needs one… but stop the attachment and get on with your own life? There are always going to be tears and sadness when there is an ending, but you shouldn’t let it become a guilt trap for yourself.
With best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantDear CuriousGeorge,
A few questions for you.
Do you have any friendships? People who are purely friends, mates, buddies… Do you have a social circle?
You say until recently, you did not enjoy your own company, because of dark thoughts. Is this improving?
You know your own faults – (stubborn as hell, impulsive, and irrational), so are you taking any steps to remedy these faults?
What was your childhood like, who were your role models and what were they like?
These questions might help us to understand you a bit more, and suggest ways to help.
best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantYou are welcome from me too, Marthams. Thank you also for your good wishes! 🙂
JayJayParticipantDear Jessica,
To an extent, I think we all feel the need to be ‘looked after’ by someone else. It starts in childhood, when we are looked after by our parents, from the time we are indeed, babies to be ‘babied’. Most children, though, seem to kick off for independence a lot sooner, wanting to do things for themselves, going out into the big wide world and having friends. Do you have any friends, a circle of friends? A close friend?
At 21, I would have thought that letting your parents ‘still look after me way too much’ is actually hampering your growth into an adult. I wonder if your parents don’t want to let go and acknowledge that you are now an adult and need to stand on your own two feet. I wonder if they are contributing to your ‘neediness’ of others and your expectation that others will look after you as they have always done.
You have taken steps to become more independent though, going out on your own, for example, to art galleries and so on. So you are moving forwards, which is good.
In what ways do your parents still ‘look after you way too much’?
The answers to these questions might help us to understand your situation a bit more.
with best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantDear Marge,
I’ve read through all of this thread, and I would like to thank you for your update and I’m glad to know that now you are in a better place. I find your story very uplifting!
It must have taken a great deal of courage for you to work your way through all of that and come out the other side smiling. I’m very happy for you and I know others will gain courage to change their lives, even if they think at the time that there is no way out. You have just proved that, given time and courage, and a lot of work, that things can indeed get better!
Best wishes for a continuing happy future
Jay
JayJayParticipantHi Luc,
Good to hear this, I’ve been away for a while.
Ah! the distractions! Oh yes, we all get those as well! Persevere, it’s worth it! 🙂
Jay
JayJayParticipantHi Marthams,
I agree with Anita. It’s never easy cutting someone completely out of your life, and you might suffer some guilt for doing so, but if you can, do it. You only get one life, you know.
It’s very complicated for me to do that at the moment, but at some point in the not-to-distant future, I will be doing exactly the same thing.
Best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantDear Ingrid,
I agree with everything Anita and Inky say above, but I will add this.
You think you were the needy one in this ‘friendship’ with Orange when it first began. But actually, what I’m reading here is that she is the needy person, and she recognised, in you, someone who might be content to put up with her selfish needs without having to make any effort at being a good friend in return. You shared some really personal details about your life with her and there was no reaction, sympathy, empathy or anything. Yet she expected you to react and help her with every little drama in her life!
Now she knows you’ve worked her out, she is kicking off, arguing with you at school and so on.
What I would do is concentrate more on your other friends and put some distance between yourself and Orange.
It’s hard when you think you have lost a friend, but in actual fact, you haven’t lost a friend, you have only lost a bad friendship.
We go through our early life learning who are friends and who are not. It’s a learning process. You are getting it right! You are learning which friendships are worth keeping and which ones to let go of. You have learned not to be so open with your personal life details until you really know someone a lot better.
People whom we have spent a lot of time with often leave a big gap in our lives when the friendship fades, and which leaves us feeling lonely for a while. This will pass. You will find other friends, other interests. Seek out those other friends in your group and push her out to the edge where she belongs.
With best wishes,
Jay
JayJayParticipantI agree with what Anita says above.
I have two such people in my life, my sister and my mother. It doesn’t matter how much I do for either of them, nothing is ever rated – they are never thankful, never pleased.
I’m telling you now, you can carry on trying to please them for most of your life, and it won’t get any better. I’ve been trying for over 50 years. Nothing has changed… except me.
I no longer allow them to make me feel guilty. I no longer allow them to give me the silent treatment. I have withdrawn myself from their petty arguments and their blame shifting behaviour.
It took a long time for me to realise that, whatever I did it would make no difference whatsoever. So I maintain contact, but at a distance. That distance is within myself. I might see them physically three times a week, and I am polite and maintain light conversation, but that’s about as far as it goes now. Whatever cutting remarks they might make, I take no notice. They can say what they like about me, I simply don’t care any more. If it gets really bad, I just walk away. It works for me. I’m an adult, and I can choose to stay or go, it’s up to me, not them.
I needed to look after me, not be continually pandering to their wants and needs. If they were only friends and not family, they would not be in my world.
All you need to do is give yourself permission to not be treated like that anymore.
I hope by sharing my take on this it might give you some direction. Have a good life, and congratulations on getting your own home!
With best wishes
Jay
March 29, 2019 at 3:07 am in reply to: Do artist make art because they believe in something? #286871JayJayParticipantI wonder if that will work, I certainly hope so, Luc!
What is coming across to me is that, with your art work, it’s a fear of failure that is dampening your enthusiasm.
When you ‘don’t care’ if you fail or not, it seems that is the times you succeed.
Let us know how you go on. It can take some time to alter a mind set, so keep going. Make your art simply for enjoyment and pleasure it brings you.
I am constantly challenging myself with my art. I like a challenge! Sometimes, I don’t succeed, but it was always worth doing, I learn with every mistake.
best wishes
Jay
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