Hi Juzzzmee,

I think you did the right thing. Let’s say, you were to get back with him. Would things change? Probably not. You would end up right back where you were before paying for everything. Eventually, it would again, take a toll on you, and you would start feeling resentful. I know you miss him..but the pain will start to fade. You deserve better. A man who is not always broke. Let’s say you two got married. Would you have to pay for all the costs of the wedding, etc..home..etc? Just some things to ponder. Let someone take ccare of you.

Hi Jennifer,

I had to reply, because I can very much relate to your post. I had severe neglect, abandonment, rejection, abuse and neglect from an Alcoholic mother. My father travelled alot for business. He loved me very much, but he could just not be there due to the demanding pressures of being a CEO of a large paper company and traveling all over the world. He had tired a nanny, who was wonderful but unknown to him since he was never home, my mother would fly into jealous drunken rages, and constantly fire her, leaving my siblings and I alone for days to fend for ourselves or seedy motels. Then when she knew my Dad would be coming back, she would give the nanny a “raise” and beg her to come back before my Dad arrived. This went on for years.

One day, he came home without telling my mother and was horrified by what he saw. Filthy house, no food, he saw me in bedroom and my siblings filthy. He saw I had bite marks where I had bitten my left arm to where it was black and blue. He fought with my mother constantly, and put her in rehab, but she would just run away, go to nearest bar and get in bar fights landing her in jail, he took me to a child Psychiatrist and said if I was not taking out of the environment immediately, I was already showing signs of emotional retardation and very delayed development from lack of nurturing and love. I was taken away from her by courts and my Aunt and uncle became my legal guardians. Although they tried to give me a delightful childhood, the damage had been done. I was causing problems in school. Hurting myself, depressed, then I grew into a very troubled teenager. This was back in the 70’s, and counselors did not know what do do with me. They finally “had enough” and took me to Florida at the age of 15, and put me in a boarding school. I sat alone on my suitcase in the middle of the lawn, no friends, no family, nothing. Later that night. Harmed myself, another admission to Psychatric ward. I finally got a mentor at the boarding school..someone to listen and talk to. She helped me join some activities to meet new people and plan some coping skills when I would get lonely and depressed including contacting a crisis line which are paid volunteeers that are trained to listen and help the call is free and completely anonymous. I also knew I needed more help and started seeing a Psychotherapist. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personal Disorder, which includes hurting yourself, paranoia, distorted thinking, lack of identity, inability to maintain close friendships or relationships, problems or fear of authority figures, impulsivess, recklessness, stealing and lying/manipulation can also be a symptom. Cutting, suicidal ideation, extreme anxiety and depression and with me, sometimes bordering on Psychosis when I would have to go to Psychatric ward. Hence the name “Borderline”. I had to get screened for this, and I was devestated, and my suggestion is for you to get screened. It is not a weekness, just an illness there is hope, there is help, you just have to reach out. It won’t go away without proper medication for the specific disorder (such as a medication for emotion regulation). I currently take Topamax, Wellbutrin XL 300, Remeron, Klonopin for panic attacks, Buspirone, Seroquel. They may not have you on the right medication, if you are thinking of self harming and depressed. You have to find the right Psychiatrist, and medication that deals with this specific type of severe mental illness. The first thing to do is get screened. Is there anyone like a mentor or a trusted counselor you can talk to at your school? Since being on the right medication and Psychotherapy it has changed my life, and it will change yours too. x

• This reply was modified 6 years, 12 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Juzzzmeee,

I think you are doing the right thing. There is too much complication and vagueness, flying off the handle on his part, where he is no longer putting any energy to invest in the relationship. Whether it is because of this woman, something is going on, he is treating you with disrespect and is not available for a relationship with you at this time. He can’t be honest as well about this woman, instead of laying your fears to rest, he gets angry. Something is very wrong with this type of behavior. I also believe he is not being honest, he can give her the documents at work, not meeting her after work. Don’t believe that for a second. I think the relationship does not sound promising, and you deserve a relationship with a mature, loving, honest and emotionally available man.

Hi Cj800000,

You can do two things, (1) is he has been with that girl for quite some time now, but has made it clear he does not seem to be very happy in this relationship with her. In a way he is being disloyal to you by flirting his ex (you) by liking your pictures, snapchating, and so on, communicating with you. If he says he should have stayed with you, I am sure he is not playing games, and wants to see if you both can try things again to “get the spark back”. If you are still not over him, you can risk being hurt again and have closure by meeting up with him, and talking to him in person rather than random texts, facebooking, and snapchating and seeing what happens. However, keep in mind that he seems very unsettled in his life, very lost and confused. He moved here, told you he loved you, broke your heart, and two weeks later, did not grieve over you, instead jumped into another relationship with another woman, while the whole time telling you “he does not know what he wants”. From the sounds of it, he clearly sounds like he “does not know what he wants” and if you both were to get back together, could you fully trust him? Or would you worry about him not knowing what he wants, leaving you, flirting with other women in social media etc? Your (2nd) option to get over him, is to have no further contact with him. If you see him at the gas station, don’t talk to him or make polite conversation with him. Just get in your car and go to another has station. Block him from Facebook, snapchat, and all other social media. Don’t text him at all, e-mail, follow him on Social media, respond to his flirting, liking your pictures. You will just make your self unhappy and miserable and it will make it harder to get over him. Try to have zero contact with him, so you can find a man who deserves you. You can’t park a new car in the garage when the old one is still in there. Let this woman have this emotionally unavailable man, so you can move on to someone better. x

Hi Rodney,

Did something happen recently that triggered this feeling? How long has this been going on? When you did feel like you did have a good time, or excitement, do you know what it was? Do you have something planned that you may be looking forward to? Please post again with your thoughts..

Hi Gagan,

No, you are not a bad person at all, rather someone who seems very down to earth, open, kind, sensitive, loving and caring. Any woman would be lucky to have you. You just were not ready for a relationship at that time of your life. It might have been for a variety of reasons. Maybe because there is someone out there more suited for you, and even more amazing. Maybe because you had other priorities. But you didn’t make a mistake, and you are not a bad person. You sound like you treated her with love, kindness and the utmost respect, and in the end that is what really matters. It just wasn’t the right time.

Hi Gagan,

Yes, most definitely. You will only make yourself miserable. It’s best to remove yourself from her as much as possible, so you can move on easier. This includes social media. I had to do the same thing. After breaking up with him, I kept going to his profile, seeing him “happy” with his new girlfriend, romantic quotes, etc. It wasn’t enough to just block him, I actually had to delete my profile on Facebook. He is also on Instagram, Tinder, Twitter, etc..and I am glad I never learned to use these. I would have driven myself crazy.

He looked better after our break-up as well. I imagined the future I thought we had. This is normal. Be patient with the processs, feelings and emotions. When I started thinking this way, I thought of the reasons we broke up in the first place and suddenly he didn’t look so great. Best not to follow her on Social media. Especially around a vulnerable time like the Holidays.