Hi Dreaming,

I too was constantly abandoned in my early childhood, so I can relate to your posts. I have gone through a lot of loss and rejection in my life, so I always go through life “expecting someone” to abandon or leave me, and it usually comes true.

What you need to focus on is you. Know how awesome you are and how lucky your boyfriend is to have you. Just keep thinking this. Nothing is forever, and tell yourself, if he does leave, you were okay before him, and you will okay without him. Because in the end, we only have ourselves. People come and go. We have to love ourselves and our own company. When we do this, we are secure enough not to have fear, or perceived fear, if someone does not say “exactly” what we want them too, we won’t be devastated or thinking “they are being distant, they will leave me, I just know it!”. When this happens, it sets you up on a vicious cycle, and it will drive people away because you will try harder and harder to get “their validation” that you are “good enough”. Men sometimes have short attention spans. I am sure he was interested in your work, but they tend to get distracted after a few minutes. It is normal.

I have a male friend, and I will be talking, after a few minutes, he says “he has to go”. This hurts my feelings. When I brought it up to him, he told me he has ADHD and can only concentrate for very short lengths of time. I am sure your boyfriend was not trying to be rude, he may have been excited about the bakery and said it on impulse. Maybe you can say “hey, that’s great, thanks for showing me, I’d really like to finish up about my work, I could really use an ear, I promise I won’t be much longer”. As far as moving in together, maybe he was distracted, and he did not mean to sound like he was not interested.

Maybe bring it up some other time, and ask him what his thoughts are. But don’t think his short attention span means “he will leave you”.

Hi Sandy,

I may make some typos, please forgive me, I broke two toes, and just got out of ER. But, I will do my best to reflect on your post. You were with this man, for two months, you said he had some contact with his ex. However, even after two months, even if he did “go back to her” I doubt it won’t last. There is a reason, they broke up, and it’s very hard to get the “chemistry” and “spark” back after two months. I have been down this road, has never worked, it’s never the same.

I think right now, her “weeping” caused him a great deal of confusion, kind of like “the damsel in distress”. He probably took pity on her, and thought, “gosh, not sure what to do here, hate to see a woman cry, what the heck, let’s give it another shot” chances are high it won’t work. In two months his feelings might have changed, she might have changed, and what was, can’t be again.

Then what may happen, he will come back to you. But do you really want a man who is in contact with his ex, and so quick to say he wants to take a break from you after only two months? It does not say alot about his character or values, he seems confused as to what he really wants. I think you deserve better, to be in a healthy, loving relationship with a man, where you are not his “2nd” choice or put on the back burner. Keep us posted.

Hi Zulaika,

Is there a US embassy you can go to to apply for coming to United States? Don’t ever give up. Is there any kind of work that you want to do? Can you apply for a work/study scholarship?

Hi Dawn,

Lets say, you do get back together with him, a would you be able to fully trust him again? You were gone for three months, you came back, excited to see him, even went to his work, only to find out that not only he lied to you about not being at work, but he was seeing someone else who herself was married. I am wondering about this man’s character and values which don’t seem to be very high.

I think if you did get back together, things would not be the same as before. You would always be doubtful, and wondering if he is lying, or seeing someone behind your back. I don’t think you would be happy, and yes, it would mess with your head. What would happen if you decided to take another vacation again? Would he be so quick to have another affair? I think you deserve better.

Hi Rachel,

Yes, wow..I have felt like this since I was a child. But most of it contributed to severe emotional and verbal abuse, and constant abandonment, and rejection from an Alcoholic mother. I received very little love, nurturing or care, until I was taken away from her by courts and adopted.

Still, the damage had been done. Growing up, I was bullied often in grade school and middle school, contributing to depression and low self esteem. My family, had to take me out of public schools, and put me in Private expensive “academy’s” or “boarding” schools. The bullying stopped, but I too felt very much alone, left out, wanting to disappear, being very troubled, no one seemed to understand me, which only left me feeling worse. Like I was on the outside looking in. If I did make friends, I was a doormat, or they only came to me if they wanted something from me.

Today, I am in intensive therapy for several mental health diagnosis, and 2 12 step anonymous programs. Which have been a Godsend. I am also on emotion regulation medication called “Topamax” which helps with intense overwhelming feelings and emotions. Remeron and Wellbutrin for Major Depressive Disorder, Klonopin and Busphar for anxiety and panic attacks. And Ambien for sleep due to racing thoughts.

I Are you in any type of counseling or medication? You didn’t mention that in your post. Do you have a support group you can join? To help you cope? I hope you feel better soon. There is hope..

Hi Connie,

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. It stinks, I know. Please post anytime..

Hi Katie

I re-read your earlier posts thoroughly and think you have made alot of progress with your anxiety. I think you are doing awesome. Each time, you get anxious, try to turn the anxiety to excitement. For example, if you are having negative thoughts, try to turn them over to something you are looking forward to with this man. You are already making great strides. Keep up the good work..