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ElianaParticipant
Hi SK,
I don’t have much to add, but I did want to mention a great book, I have read it several times. It’s called “hurt, people, hurt people”. You can buy it online at Amazon, or bookstore or rent it from library. I too suffer from mental illness, a personality disorder, severe anxiety, PTSD, panic disorder and major depressive disorder. I am currently in intensive CBT and DBT counseling and 12 step programs. The books tells alot about why we hurt the ones we love and how to stop this cycle. I live in housing with others with mental health issues for disabilities, and have lent them this book, and they say it has helped them with control issues, they too, have Bi-polar. I am glad you are working on yourself and your marriage. Keep us posted.
ElianaParticipantHi Isabella,
I was just thinking that since it has only been two weeks, that’s not a very long time. Something may have happened, I guess you won’t know unless you hear him out. Maybe there was a death in the family, or something just happened, and maybe he felt he needed to be alone for a bit and deal with it, and not put you through it as well. You said you two were really good together, and you felt it really wasn’t “the end”. However, I am feeling enough time has gone by, he should have contacted you by now if something has happened and at least owed you an explanation, and I am saddened he didn’t.
I do agree, with other posters, that enough time has gone by, that perhaps best to let go of hope. He should be missing you, and contacted you by now. How are you holding up? Please keep us posted.
ElianaParticipantHi Macy,
Wow, that’s pretty juvenile, belittling to you and awful what they are doing. Clearly they have no sense of boundaries or respesct, and unfortunately, you became the brunt of it. I don’t know how you did it, but I think you are a very strong, beautiful and caring person for putting up with everything for so long.
There are alot of wonderful men out there who would leap at a chance to have someone caring in their children’s lives. This man is missing out. I’m so glad you made the decision you did.
ElianaParticipantHi Tidea Janamori,
I had a very wise person tell me once, and I have always stuck by it. If someone is rude to you,the best answer is: silence. Right now, he is being very hostile, and rude and there are no truth to his words ” that everything is your fault”. At this point, he is beyond any kind of nature rational conversation.
If you write to him, he will just write back to you wanting the last words and further accuse you of untrue things. I don’t know him, but he sounds like a very immature man who is incapable of any empathy or mature conversation. It is best, to just not deal with him any more and make yourself miserable. I know you may think you will miss him, and you may miss the emotional attachment, but looking back, I think you will know you did what was best for you, and see him for what he is really is, so you can finally move on. You do not deserve to be treated with disrespect, and belittled, manipulated and that is what he has been doing, and doing from the start. I hope he does not contact you again, so you can move on to a healthy man who lives close by and give you the respect, love and caring you deserve. Let some other poor soul deal with this man. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
ElianaParticipantHi Tidea Janamori,
There is nothing wrong with you at all. You are just experiencing beautiful human feelings and emotions with someone you like very much, like we all do. I can’t say if he is the right or wrong man for you, because I don’t know him personally. But I think, it might make you feel better to make a decision if you really want a future with someone given everything you said about him. You had mentioned he gave you an ultimatum, it’s either his way or the highway, he has to have you now, or “bye”. That sounds like he has a very controlling and domineering nature.
Maybe, what might help is read over your posts and see the negative traits in him, that fuel your anxiety and doubts, and get out a peice of paper, make two columns. On the left, write “pros of a long term relationship with this man” and draw a line. On the right, write “cons with a long term relationship with this man, and put down everything you wrote in your posts to us. Perhaps this will give you more insight, and clarity. I really do wish you happiness with whatever you may decide, and a healthy relationship with a great man who values, respects and loves you.
ElianaParticipantHi Saman,
I’m sorry I’m a little late in replying, I’m fairly new
on here and just now found this thread. I too suffer from depression, BPD..(although with intense therapy, CBT, DBT, and three 12 twelve step support programs) have been a Godsend to me. Since starting on DBT, I have not self-harmed since 1994.
My depression and anxiety, PTSD, and BPD at one point so bad, I was hospitalized 6 times in three months. Not alot of fun. Now, I am on great Psychiatric medication, Topamax for emotion regulation and medication to control my panic attacks and severe anxiety. I believe I inherited this from my mother. I think my Dad told me she had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and she self medicated with Alcohol abuse.
I I think what might help is every time you worry or get an anxious thought (mine usually happens first thing in morning or before bed) I write it down. Journaling works wonders, because it gets it out of your head, and onto paper. I also learned how to stop self-harm in the hospital, and will help you with that if you would like. I hope you feel better soon. Remember, you are bigger than depression. You are the sky, depression are the clouds, just thoughts. Watch those thoughts, don’t judge them..observe them, but don’t become them. They lie. I always tell myself when I get depressed, “I made it through last time, I will make it through again”.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.
ElianaParticipantHi Rebecca,
Yes, I feel that pain can interfere with our well-being and moods. I am in the same boat. In the past two months, it seems like it is never ending, and now I am getting depressed because the bills from hospitals are coming in and x-rays. I am on SSDI disability, and only on medicare, and Medicare does not cover alot.
Over the course of two months, my chronic, severe back pain has gotten worse. (I had a bad fall off a horse during a horse jumping show, going over a large and talk water jump. I was an experienced rider, but I have the horse the wrong signals, the horse fell, and I fell hard breaking several vertebra in my my back and neck, in a coma. Since then I have been in Pain Management, on constant Epidural inhections, prescribed opioid and narcotics for pain, chiropractors.
I also from time to time get trigger point injections in my upper back. The opiods wreak havoc on your digestive system, and I have to take medication just to go to bathroom. I have to see a colon and rectal specialist this week, making me severly anxious. Now, I think I have two hernias that I have to get looked at, plus many other pains and problems, that interfere with the quality of my life. Yes, it can be depressing.
ElianaParticipantHi Julie,
It sounds like you have a great relationship, and trust with this man. My concern, is how would you tell him, and do you really feel you need to tell him about something that happened so long ago? You actually were in a fact grieving for this friend, and you did the best you knew at the time. I don’t really think this is a *huge* lie, because he did not know your friend.
Also, he May feel awkward and not know what to say it do if you do tell him. He may think “should I tell her “I’m sorry your friend lost contact” with you” he May feel in an very awkward position and not know what to say or do. However, it is your decision, and if you are feeling this anxious, then it may ease your mind to tell him, but just be prepared for some possible awkwardness on his part. Keep us posted.
ElianaParticipantHi Tidea Janamori,
I’m truly sorry, if you felt I did not read your post well. There was a lot to it, and I did my best with the information I could. Even if it is not Catphishing, and no matter how long you knew him, you mentioned at the beginning of your post about family betrayal. And it has to do with money.
Then he took money from you, saying he needed it for travel expenses to come and see you, yet you state he is “financially secure”. You then stated your own family was concerned because you have him money, because of what happened with money in the past? Am I getting this right?
Whatever it may be, this man took money from you. No man should be taking money from a woman. Has he paid you back, or said he would pay you back? He then said “it was to come to see you”. If he really wanted to “see you” he would have used his own money. Alot of red flags on this man, that I see, I would be very careful about him, no matter how much in love you may be. Something is not adding up. However, I stand by my opinion, and am speaking from the heart. I am trying to help you, and I’m sorry if I offended you in any way. Maybe others will post that can give you different viewpoints. But if you are feeling doubtful, anxious, wary, I would say, trust your intuition and gut. I wish you all the best.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.
ElianaParticipantHi Ray,
I’m so glad you did not break things off with him. It would have saddened me, because he sounds like a terrific guy. I too struggle with severe anxiety and panic, which I am trying to work through in my 12 step programs, and therapy.
Since, I was abandoned over and over by an Alcoholic mother, I did not get the love I needed in my childhood, and this has caused me significant problems in my adulthood in my relationships with men. Since I was always being “rejected” and disapproved of by my mother. If I see the slightest bit of perceived rejection from a man (such as perceived, where he is not meeting my emotional needs, distancing himself, where in fact he is not, or we are fighting, or if I sense he likes another woman) I go right back to my childhood, and the feelings of rejection, abandonment, being unloved, seeking approval come into my mind, and I will “reject” the man, before he “rejects” me. In other words, I’m too afraid of someone not wanting me or loving me anymore, so I will cut the relationship off..just like that, only to regret it terribly later. This too, is something I am working through in therapy. Im glad you decided to hang in there.
ElianaParticipantHi Mark,
I too suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks. I liked what you had to say about “DARE. This has never been brought up to me in my therapy sessions. I like the thought about channeling “anxiety” into excitement. I’m trying to do that right now about an upcoming procedure, but not doing so well. Is this a book I can buy? Thanks.
ElianaParticipantHi Tidea Janamori,
This unfortunately happens to many women on Facebook, Google plus, online dating sites, these men will say all these beautiful things to you to “woo” you, they will say how much they want to be with you, how much they need you, they want to spend the rest of their life with you. These men are very patient. It has also happened to me.
Once they know they ” have you” like infatuation, or falling in love, they will make up some strange stories, crisis or excuse and either ask you to wire them money, or even come and meet you, take the money, never to be seen again. This is called Catphishing, or the 411 Nigerian scam. Google it, to learn more about it, or go to scam watch dot org. These men prey on unsuspecting women who they feel are vulnerable, lonely. They tend to prey alot on middle aged women. I would be very careful about meeting men on Facebook, and please don’t give a man money, because you will never see that man or your money again. Its been all over the news. Facebook, is now trying to get “fake” profiles, and be more proactive about reporting scammers, but they are hard to catch, because they work in cyber cafes, and change their profiles about 20 times a day, steal other people pictures on the internet, and change their e-mail address. Be very careful..
ElianaParticipantHi Isabella,
I believe, everyone makes mistakes. Now, if he did this again, or if he did this over and over, than, of course no, I would not go back to someone. But I have had friends who’s boyfriends, left them, came back, and they have been happily married for six years. I’m just saying, there is always hope if you still love him, and men/women take back people who left them all the time. I guess it’s forgiving. But, if the person has a habit of doing this, no, I would not take them back. Ultimately, the decision is yours.
ElianaParticipantHi Isabella,
I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. After reading your post, I don’t feel it is the “end”. It’s only been two weeks. He is young. I know with my first love, he would get scared, things were going so well, then out of nowhere, he would break it off.
My heart was broken. I just wanted to go to some lonely island. I was only 19, very much in love, and my world turned upside down. I was completely devastated. Then out of nowhere, a few months, he came back, saying he made a mistake, and proposed to me. Sometimes, men just get scared, or want a break to process their thoughts and feelings, but they don’t know how to tell you, so they just break it off. I would give it time. Try to keep busy. He may come back and have a change of heart. Keep us posted.
June 22, 2017 at 5:37 pm in reply to: I am close to giving up on ever being wanted and loved #154606ElianaParticipantHi Sunseeker,
You’re welcome. I hope you are feeling a bit better? Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I too, have no family. I live in a small city by myself. I only have two friends, if you can even call it that. One friend, lives in housing (for the disabled) with me. We go out maybe once, if we are lucky twice a month. Like me, she is on disability and only works part time, so neither of us have money to do much.
The other girl is another resident who lives here. She is Bi-polar, and it is hard to get her to focus on one on one conversation. So we just watch movies every two weeks. My father..last of my family passed in 2008. I lost my beloved cats when I filed for disability. I don’t smoke, but sometimes, just to have someone, anyone to talk to, I will sit outside with the smokers at the picnic tables and have small talk. I grew up around smokers, so cigarettes don’t bother me.
My other two friends live in Florida, but after I went on Disability, they call me maybe once every six months. I have no car. So, I too suffer from extreme loneliness and isolation.
Then one day, I got tired of thinking and obsessing about the “if only’s’ with this man I fell in love with online. I thought about him night and day. Probably because I was stuck in a rut and had nothing else to think about.
So, I thought, what is it I like and am passionate about? Well..I like to help people, so I get on here, and Quora and other forums and help people. I am also heavily involved with animal rescue, welfare, etc. I guess that is what keeps me going. Try to see what you are passionate about, and throw your heart and soul in it, and you will find the loneliness and that guy not on your mind so much. Keep us posted.
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