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PeggyParticipantHi Melissa,
At least you know that his ex girlfriend is not interested in him. Perhaps his ego has taken a hit. It seems as if he withdrew into himself after finally realizing that she has moved on from him. That leaves you.
His mother doesn’t approve of you – have you ever met her. Perhaps she doesn’t like the situation of her son being with an older woman with a child. Your daughter is your top priority. She’s been in your life for 8 years – he’s been in your life for 8 months. His mother has a strong influence over him. Maybe it will always be that way. In any event, he wants to be alone which means that he doesn’t want to be with you.
You don’t say what his latest text was about. You could always tell him that you would prefer to remain friends with him but you want to be free to date other people until he learns to stand up to his mother. You could tell him that you don’t want to be on an emotional roller coaster with him pressing the on/off button. You could tell him that you deserve to be treated better than that.
You cannot go back to how you were. It’s just not possible. He has broken your trust.
I think you need to see your boyfriend in his true light – very immature – and ask yourself what exactly it is that you love about him. I think you’ll go back to him (if he asks) though I don’t think that will necessarily be the best thing for you. Can you work this through? You have to decide for yourself.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHello Dreaming 715,
You’ve only been together for three years and already this is a problem for you. This kind hearted man has no interest in pleasing you sexually – quite the reverse – he just wants himself pleased and your interpretation is that he doesn’t desire you. How much affection is there between you outside the bedroom? I don’t believe a person can change his personality along with his clothes. I think you need to take a closer look at your whole relationship.
You could obtain some books that you can both read or perhaps you would consider talking to a sex therapist. I would advise putting any marriage plans on hold until you’ve reached an acceptable level of compatibility in the bedroom department.
I hope it works out for you.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Diletta,
You might like to explain to your husband that having children is no guarantee that you will be looked after in your old age. Your husband has a child – does he not count in your husband’s calculation of ‘there’s no-one to look after us’. What about his son??
Worrying is a bad habit. No-one can predict the future so why worry about what may or may not happen. It’s a waste of time and energy. You are 50 and 60 respectively, this is young enough for you both to spend on enjoying quality time together, going out and having fun. If your husband doesn’t want to travel with you, you could always go on your own – take your paints and capture the landscape. There is probably an art group in your area that you could join that runs this kind of excursion.
No amount of planning can deal with every eventuality. If it makes your husband feel better, let him put his proposals in place and then you can move on to stress free living.
Painting is a great way to express your emotions in a harmless way. For example, if you painted your husband’s angst, what would it look like?
I hope you will be able to find the serenity you are looking for.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Angele,
I’m glad I was able to give you some kind of perspective on your daughter’s situation. Unfortunately, it is an all too familiar story. I hope your daughter will be able to proceed in a matter of fact way and deal with her divorce in the shortest time possible. Aside from this, she will need to go through a grieving process for the ‘loss’ she has suffered and you may need to be the shoulder she cries on. Stay as calm as you can – not easy when your children are upset – and give her the time she needs to mentally and emotionally adapt to the ending of her marriage before she moves on to the next chapter in her life.
Wishing you both well.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Chloe Rose,
I agree with everything Mark has said. Thank you for giving everyone who reads your post hope that their own angst can be eased through changing their mindset and showing kindness and compassion to themselves and others.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Tannhauser,
What does the word “Forum” mean to you. You’ve put a post out to the Universe and then you complain when someone replies in a manner that YOU don’t like. I shared my opinion with you and aired my views. Don’t blame me that you’ve allowed yourself to become hogwashed. You might call your reply abrupt – I call it ignorant. If you don’t think there was anything constructive in my post, you haven’t read it properly. You can’t even figure out why you would need to thank me! Poor you!
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Tannhauser,
And another thing, you might like to consider improving your manners. Thank you would have been sufficient. Have a nice life.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Tannhauser,
I can’t pretend to know what you are talking about.
You are the one that chooses what to believe and perhaps you’ve let yourself be influenced in the wrong way. For the most part, we don’t know what exists beyond this planet so why speculate? You don’t have to have a religion – people get by fine without one. The truth stands up to questioning.
Are you really going to be controlled in this way? Who or what do you think you are fighting? Switch the machine off and go out and reconnect with the beauty found in nature, your passions, family and friends.
You decide for yourself what to believe in. My advice to you is to stop being such a willing victim. Go out and smell the roses.
Peggy
July 20, 2019 at 10:06 am in reply to: if karma exists why bullies of that kid have perfect lives and he is dead? #304117PeggyParticipantHi Nothing,
The child that was bullied took his own life. The people responsible for the bullying and his teachers, parents etc. will always know what happened. You can’t make the assumption that those “bullies” have perfect lives. For them to become bullies indicates that they, too, are responding to undesirable circumstances surrounding them. This is not excusing their behavior – they are already damaged in some way. No-one can predict the future and you do not know what will happen to them as time goes by.
This awful tragedy has an impact on people. It has had an impact on you. Sometimes changes are made and new laws are passed to help prevent other children from behaving like this. Maybe parents and teachers will campaign for these changes. Sometimes, this is how “good” comes from such awful incidents as this.
“Karma” can work itself out in all sorts of different ways and it is not for us to know the complexities of each and every incident. People can build positive karma as well as negative karma. It is very dangerous for you to think that there is only cruelty in this world. This is simply not true. You only have to witness people coming together when a major catastrophe happens in the world to know that there are a lot of kind, caring, loving people in the world.
Perhaps you should talk through your feelings with someone – you should not let your anger fester.
I hope you can find peace.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantDear Kevin,
What a lovely post – very uplifting. It brought to mind for me “and the ocean fell into the drop”. Long may the Universe engage with your “oneness”.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Kevin,
What a lovely post – so uplifting. It brought to mind for me “the ocean fell into the drop”. Meditation has a timeless quality – an hour can go by like a minute. Long may the Universe engage with your “oneness”.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Angele,
Have you ever heard the saying “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence”. The husband wanted “out” of his marriage even if it was just for the time it takes to spend on an affair. It sounds as if there were already problems in this marriage that were not being worked on – poor communication skills, financial pressures, family differences, trust issues and so on.
It must be disappointing for the person who “got married forever”. It sounds as if she needs to accept that it is over and begin to make small inroads into creating a new life for herself. There is also no point in blaming herself for things she said in the heat of the moment. This is not the deciding factor in the end of this marriage. It’s everything that went before and that, Angele, takes two.
How noble of him to be by her side whilst she gets help. I wonder who is going to be by his side while he gets help, which he clearly needs? It is just possible that “her” mental health issues will disappear when they are no longer together.
Anyway, you know the situation better than me – reclaiming the power and getting divorce papers served is the best way forward, or so it seems, as both Mark and Inky have said.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Dan,
Depends whether this attraction is mutual or whether coffee/lunch is about her trying to fit in with her work colleagues. Office romances should always be approached with caution. Does her brother have the power to dismiss you should he not be in favor of this relationship?
I don’t know how you deal with being nervous and anxious around her other than to keep your focus on your work rather than this person. Perhaps someone else can help you with that.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi K,
It seems to me that your anxieties are a result of your insecurities – “as soon as he lets go of my hand”. Have you considered that your father having an affair and hurting your mother was a threat to your security? Did you ever wonder what would happen to you if your parents divorced? What will happen to you if your boyfriend lets go of your hand?
Trust issues relate to insecurity. Your father had an affair. Your boyfriend is not your father. Those other boyfriends were not your father.
Self esteem issues are always ‘internal’. It is how you feel about yourself on the inside. Do you feel good about yourself? Your boyfriend will know, even if it is subconscious, that you have low self esteem. You can work on this – it’s easier than you might think. It takes a little effort but it’s worth it for the long term benefits it will have over your whole life.
With regard to talking to your boyfriend, have you discussed your parents relationship with him? Bottling your feelings up is the worst thing that you can do – what is wrong with talking about your hurt and your anger? Children are very good at “blaming” themselves. If you cannot trust yourself to talk to your boyfriend, it might be beneficial for you to find an impartial listener to speak to.
Do you want to know how to stop worrying? It’s easy. Every time a worrying thought appears say the word “STOP”. Thoughts are fleeting – you can control them, you can let them go.
I hope you can find a safe environment where you can discuss your insecurities and come to terms with what happened during your childhood between your mother and father.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Nikki,
I’m sure that you do not need me to tell you that this person was ‘bad news’. If he was part of a ‘cool gang’ then you were well out of it. You cannot change what has happened so there is very little point in thinking “if only……..”. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. You cannot change the two years spent with him. You cannot ‘leave sooner’. You were with him and you have regrets. Shame on him, not you. He’s the one that should be ashamed of himself – not you. Unless you grew up with abuse, nothing prepares you for being in this kind of relationship. I am sorry this happened to you.
The truth is this “shame” does not belong to you but as long as you carry it around with you it will continue to “damage” you. You have a choice here: You can choose to carry this heavy load around with you or you can put it down now and move on.
Two years is a short space of time in your life. You may have been distracted from your studies for a short time but you can still focus on achieving your goals. You can still make good friendships and meet new people. You can find love and be loved.
Peggy
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