Hi Crawford,

I don’t know if there are any easy answers. I too have a spiritual/religious background and can identify with the judgement that can often come from family and friends, and complete strangers when our life and/or lifestyle don’t line up with those same spiritual/religious values and beliefs. Being gay does not preclude you from humanity or from being a child of God or from having the ability to love and be loved. I can’t say that I’m all that clear about how people come to be gay, but I am clear on this:  a person being gay should not prevent anyone from loving and respecting you or any gay person or any person who is different for that matter.  I am African American, and that’s different. Most of us are aware of slavery in African American history. Now, there have been and probably will always be people who feel people of color are less than and inferior as many felt during slavery – and will treat us that way no matter how hard we work, no matter how intelligent or kind. And the same will probably be true of you simply because you’re different.  However, don’t allow other’s perception of you prevent you from being authentically you. People are going to think what they want for good or bad even if you were not gay so don’t build your life around what others think. What do you think about yourself?  That’s more important. You have to live with yourself everyday so it would be best if you could find it in your heart to love yourself whether your friend does or not.

If you are spiritual, then this is a great time to connect with God and mediate on those scriptures that affirms God’s love for you. Do not believe people who would have you think that God does not love you because you are gay. Some of the same people would have me believe that God doesn’t love me because of the color of my skin. However,  I can boldly tell you that, that is a lie! God has not forgotten you because you are gay and being gay does not make you a bad person. I have several gay friends whom I love and care for very much, and I would hope that everyone would be kind to them. They are my friends and I cherish them. I also have a friend who was gay who has turned away from it with the help of her faith, and she is happy. That’s not everyone’s experience, I know, but it was hers. Then, I have other gay friends who are openly gay and they are also happy.

Be kind to yourself; be kind to others; and surround yourself with people who inspire and believe in you. If you come out to your parents and they take it hard, give them time to deal with it; love and pray for them, but you do what is right for you.

While the Christian Bible doesn’t seem to condone a gay lifestyle, it does, however, support loving your neighbor – and our neighbor could be gay, straight or somewhere in between. You deserve to be your best you and to be happy. You deserve to be free to be you. And while I don’t pretend to know a lot about being gay, I respect your person and your kind spirit regardless of your sexual orientation. And while I can understand your friend being surprised that you are gay, that alone should not be enough to abandon a healthy, wonderful friendship. But here’s the thing. Sometimes people and friendships aren’t always as healthy and great as they appear, and sometimes things happen that opens our eyes to the fact that those friendships and relationships were not at all healthy and great in the first place. I’m just saying that if your friends and family can just discard you simply because you’re gay; well, they are the one’s who need to change. Real love runs a bit deeper than that. At some point, you’ll need to do what is right for you and let those who  say they love you prove it with their actions and response to you.  I’m also concerned that your closest friend may be impacting you negatively.  I agree with Anita in that you don’t need to place so much stock in your friend, to the point where you rise and fall based on his acceptance of you.  You’re giving him too much power and control over your life.  Also, there is a difference in being spiritual and talking spiritual. It may be time to make some friends that you feel to be yourself with.  But get to know and love yourself and you’ll find that it makes everything else easier. All the best!

Hi Dustin,

Sorry you are not happy with where you are in life at the moment.  I’m glad you’ve decided not to check out of life.  You life is important to your parents, and the world around you.  You just aren’t aware of it yet because you haven’t found your personal flow in life.  I believe everyone has a purpose, which makes our uniqueness and our lives important.  Additionally, everything you mentioned is changeable.

However, when you are depressed, you may sometimes feel that your small world is “the world,” and it becomes hard to see options through the eyes of depression, isolation and loneliness. But there are always others with similar experiences so you are not alone.  It’s hard to see what you have to offer to anyone right now because you’re experiencing some depression and seem to feel that your cup of life is half empty.  But turn your cup upside down and it could be half full.

Here are my suggestions to you:  Get up out of the bed.  Turn off the TV and take yourself outside your house to do something – anything.  Put on your favorite song and sing and dance (and laugh at yourself).  Go for a walk.  Sit on a bench around a lake.  Go fishing, jogging or zip-lining.  Since you like golf, join a golf club or meetup group.

And, dude, you already golf once a week.  If you golf once a week, you have a few resources and some golf skills to boot! Why don’t you up your golf game?   Improve your game; register to play in amateur golf tournaments or something. (I don’t know anything about golf.) But register for and get involved in everything golf since that’s an interest for you, and you manage to get yourself out of the house once a week to play.  Use your interest in golf as motivation to at least get you moving and interacting more with your surroundings.  Or, take a leap of faith and try something new and adventurous.  Make a bucket list of things you want to do before you cross over or on a more positive note, things to do before you turn 60 and start doing those things.  If nothing else you’re creating adventures for yourself as well as opportunities to meet the people whom you will never meet at home watching television.  This is something that I do often, and it is so fulfilling.

I know you may not feel like it, and you may not be motivated to do anything.  And that’s pretty typical with depression so if you have severe depression, make an appointment with your medical doctor, and see if medication might be able to help you regain a more positive mental state, which may help you recapture some of your energy to get yourself moving.  Believe it or not movement and sun light actually help wart off depression and impacts mood.

It will take your making a quality decision that your life is not over and you will live it to it’s fullest until you’re gone.  I encourage you to press  your life’s reset button, and begin doing one small thing that keeps you active, engaged and outside – more.  Once you begin to feel better, you can tackle the inside of your home – cooking, cleaning etc, but to do that, you’ll need to feel better first so please do make an appointment with your doctor about the depression.

Life will always be boring for as long as you are laying in the house and not getting out of the comfort zone of your bed so you can meet other people.  It’s very similar to the story about winning the lottery: You can’t win the lottery unless you buy a lottery ticket.  Decide what you’d like your life to look like, and make a list of things you can do to move you in the direction of the things that you’d like to see in your life.  And if you use the list of things you’d like to accomplish as a guide to direct your decision making, your decisions and choices will support the things you desire, and before you know it, your dreams will have come true.  Feel better and open your heart to the world outside your doorsteps.

Miranda

Hi Leocube,

Sorry you are unhappy with your living arrangements.  In some ways I can relate to your situation.  I’ve had similar situations in my family.  So what made your parents just decide to move in with you – or  to move at all?  Did they move to the USA from a different country and decided to stay with you until they got situated or were they already in the USA?  You said “they decided to move in with you.” How did your parents living with you come to be, and if they were living by themselves before, why not now?

My thought is that your parents are living with you because of what you said “They don’t speak English and so I can’t just leave them alone to live by themselves…”  Not being able to speak English seldom prevents people from living independently.  They may need your help periodically to translate or to help them with paperwork, take care of business etc, but they still could live on their own. Many non-English speaking people do it everyday.  If your parents lived on their own before moving in with you, I’m sure they are capable of doing so now.  They are mature adults with a daughter and son nearby whom they can call if they need assistance speaking the language, or they can enroll in a course.

Sometimes we get stuck in situations that don’t reflect what is true for us simply because we either won’t allow ourselves to embrace other alternative solutions, are afraid to hurt someone’s feelings or afraid to speak up.  Only you can determine why your parents are living with you if you prefer that they live elsewhere when other options do exist for them to live on their own. If your parents are out and about shopping and such, they seem to be of reasonable health.  It would seem that otherwise healthy parents, who have some level of financial stability would be able to live independently in their own home with some assistance from you and your brother to help them with the language barrier when conducting business etc.

I believe that you love your family, but you simply don’t want to live with them because you want to safeguard your personal space and solitude, which is understandable.  I feel the same way.  From here on out, when family members stay with me, it is a temporary situation and not a longterm housing solution.  I enjoy my personal space and time; it nurtures and restores me.  And when I have family and guests, it’s because I invited them to visit – not to live with me, which leave me in control of my life and space.  And, it also provides me with the boundaries that I need to retain my own peace of mind.

There may be times when it may be necessary to have a family member live with you if  you chose to do so because they are ill or for some other reason of your choosing.  However, until  the choices you make align with your true desires, the conflict and resentment that you feel inside will continue.  I’ve been where you are, and it’s not nice.

Keep in mind that your happiness in this or any situation is about your making decisions and choices that are true for you.  It would be okay for your parents to live with you if that choice was true to what you feel in your heart and worked for you, but your decision is neither true to what’s in your heart nor is it a solution that works for the person that you are.  So when you have a discrepancy between what’s in your heart and your actions, you’re bound to feel bad inside and experience discomfort. And what I just said is the only answer that I can pose for your situation because you have some decisions to make and boundaries to set for you life and home.

All the best,

Miranda

Hi Priyanka,

So sorry you are going through this.  I agree with Anita and others, but specifically about what Anita mentioned about about what you feel about all your dreams will never be fulfilled.  Your dreams can still be fulfilled.  Your life isn’t over simply because your relationship ended.  Many of us have  several relationships and relationship blunders in our lives,  and still experience fulfillment, purpose and success in life.  One bad relationship apple does not stop our lives unless we allow it to.  If you feel that your dreams will “never” be fulfilled because you no longer have someone in your life who means you no good, it may be because you may not be accepting responsibility for your own happiness.  It is a lot of pressure on any human being, even the not-so-good ones, to be responsible for the continued happiness, fulfillment and purpose of another person.  No one person or man can be our everything.  That’s a job for God, and even then, we need are responsible for our choices and decisions.

Although it is painful, it will be important for your wellbeing to let your ex go completely.  It is not his decision whether he can be your friend or not.  That’s your decision.  And, I believe your interaction with him while in pain is making it worse for you.  Don’t continue to entertain him or follow his lead.  Ending relationships is very painful, but it is more painful for you, I believe, for the following reasons:

(1) Expecting him to be your savior, change your life, make you happy, give you purpose, and fulfillment.  This kind of dependent relationship seldom works because it is very one-sided in that you have one person (the boyfriend) taking on the full responsibility for your life.  It’s your life and you must take the lead in making those things happen. What the RIGHT boyfriend in your life can do is enhance or make better what you already have in your life and who you are.  But he doesn’t bring who you are with him into the relationship. He doesn’t bring your happiness and fulfillment. Those are things that each person is responsible for developing in his or her own life.

(2) Personal or emotional brokenness, poor self esteem and personal worth.  This simply means that there may be areas in your life that have been hurt or damaged and have not been repaired so that you can be restored and made whole.  A good counselor can help you to deal with any broken areas of our life and any areas where you may have poor self esteem or self worth and value.  When we value ourselves, we won’t allow anyone to place us on sale as if we are not important or valuable, or continue to allow others to victimize, manipulate and misuse us.

(3) Total trust and dependence on someone you care for but don’t know well enough.  Don’t ever completely trust anyone that you meet online or elsewhere with your life.  You life  is important.  Too important to trust with anyone whom you don’t have a track record with and simply don’t know well.  Don’t give our life away so quickly.  You trusted this man with your entire life after only knowing him a few months and meeting him just once.  So now you feel as if he broke his promises to take responsibility for all of your life, and that was never his promise to make or yours to relinquish.  The internet has a way of giving people the illusion that they are closer and more familiar with a person than they really are.  Internet relationships particularly require a lot of extra diligence, as you know, because you don’t have the benefit of face-to-face interactions. And both people have to be willing to to do this hard relationship work.

(4) Unwillingness to accept the truth and to let go.  Facing the truth can be very painful but it’s the path that leads you through the pain.  When he says there can be nothing more to your relationship, believe him and move forward to do what is best for you.  There is someone better for you, but take care of yourself first, and begin to work on your own personal happiness.

(5) Continuing to allow contact and interaction with ex-boyfriend.   It will save you much pain if you:  Take control of this and stop talking to him.  If he doesn’t want to be with you,  and you are still working through the pain of the breakup, then you are not ready to be his friend.  And talking to him, texting etc. will keep your hurt fresh every day, never allowing the wound to heal.   Simply because he has moved on and feels ready to be “just friends” doesn’t mean that you are ready to be his friend or that you should be his friend.  Sometimes “just being friends” is only a way to keep you as a backup and to string you along, and prevent a good man from coming into your life.  So you have to take steps not to have interactions with him.  Why would you want him at this point?  De-friend him on Facebook; BLOCK his phone number on your phone; and BLOCK and DELETE his email address. Do Not answer his phone calls or return text messages. Continuing to have contact with a man whose behavior is still causing you pain will continue to cause you pain.

Finally, I’m so sorry you are going through this. However, this really isn’t as much about what your ex-boyfriend has done or promises he’s broken; it’s about you and how you see yourself and your life as an individual – whether he’s in your life or not. So I would encourage you to be kind to yourself; love yourself, and focus on doing those things that bring you joy and happiness without your ex.  Spend time with your friends in your town and get to know them better.  Don’t let this guy ruin your life and your future.  You may not see or feel like it now, but trust me, there are other male fish out there who are waiting for the person that you are.   Have a massage or take a mini vacation to get away for a while.  Be good to yourself. The pain will pass but it will linger if you don’t do something to help yourself feel better and to move forward.

Hi Halle,

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’d like to talk about your boyfriend last and address the issue with anger with others first.  In your roommate example, I sense (from statements made about getting upset when people take your things without asking) that you may be holding in your feelings a little too much and not appropriately expressing how you feel when you need to.  When a roommate, for example, uses your things without asking, that’s the time to say something in the form of setting boundaries.  Actually, it’s best to have these conversations before anything happens such as when you first set up house together or when entering a new relationship.  Sitting down and discussing boundaries or the rules, helps everyone involved to know where the lines are, outlining each person’s jurisdiction and what works for them and what doesn’t.

For example, you could tell the roommate to please ask you before borrowing your things and when she takes them without asking that you feel disrespected.  You can relay whatever that feeling is for you.  But having a brief conversation to share with the other person (1) what the problem is i.e. taking your things without asking and (2) how you feel when that happens will help you to set boundaries that prevent future occurrences which will minimize how often you’re getting angry over such things.  And other benefits are that the other person now knows exactly what you expect of them and how you feel about their behavior, and your anger doesn’t build up and cause you to overreact when things happen.

Regarding your boyfriend, what comes to mind as I read your post is what Anita suggests, that your boyfriend’s behavior may be triggering memories from your past.  Your anger may be caused by fear, frustration, anxiety or insecurity.  I do agree that you’re overthinking things but not for the reason that you may think so.  While you may simply think that you’re overthinking about what your boyfriend is either doing while he’s gone or about his wellbeing and safety when he’s away from you, I feel you’re simply thinking far more than you are taking action to empower yourself.  Sitting at home upset while your boyfriend is gone only serves to make you a victim in the situation, and that only makes you approach the situation from the perspective of weakness and not strength.  Not that you are weak but your approach is weak so your approach won’t do much to help you.  And that pit inside you chest and stomach may be a reminder that you’ve already seen this situation play out in your mom and dad’s relationship, and you don’t want to relive their scenario.  According to what I understand of our post, you watched your dad do the same thing to your mom through his excessive working, leaving you and your mom to yourselves longer than you both needed to be.  But, then you mentioned that when your mom started going out and drinking, you watched how it affected your dad.

However, it’s important to remember how all this with your mom got started, which I hope will help you to see your mom with eyes of mercy.  Things with you mom got started very similar to your situation now, sitting at home and waiting for the person you care about to come home to you.  Unless I missed something, your mom took her life on this other path only after, I can only assume,  she got tired of being frustrated, hurt, disappointed and alone consistently over time.   Only after your mom took her life in the other direction, did it appear that the shoe was on the other foot so to speak, meaning your dad now is experiencing some of what your mother went through when he was working all the time.  Now it’s your dad who is waiting for your mom to return home because she has given up on  him changing his pattern of behavior, and in the process seemed to have given up on herself.  Your mom seemed to have lost a part of herself in that process that she may have never recaptured.  At the time, your mom may have felt that your father thought work was more important that her.  That work was his first priority.  And I can only assume that some of those days that your dad was at work that she probably wondered if he was really at work all that time or if he may have been doing other things without her.  And you seem to be experiencing some of what your mother experienced when your dad was working – as well as what your dad probably felt when your mom was out drinking and not coming home.  So these experiences, I’m sure, where traumatic for you then and probably still are resonating with you now, unless you’ve resolved those feelings associated with your parents.  And it would appears that those feelings have not been resolved if you are not talking with your mother based on her past.  However, is your mom is still into drugs, you may be limited in what you can do with her except to pray for her if you believe in the power of prayer and to forgive her.

Out of her pain, your mom took her life on a not-so-good path. When people hurt, they often just want the pain to stop, and it becomes a little easier to poor choices when we are desperate to stop or at least to dull the pain at any cost.  I think that if you can see your current circumstance in your mom’s situation with your dad, you may be able to find your way back to your mom (on some level) and forgiveness toward her, and help yourself deal with your relationship with your boyfriend. Remember that forgiving your mom releases you internally to be at peace; it doesn’t mean that you agree with how your mom handled the situation.

The next thing that comes to mind is the age difference between you and your boyfriend. You mentioned that you are 19 now, and there are places that your boyfriend goes that you can’t go. What is your boyfriend’s age or the age difference between the two of you?  It may be that the age difference is a problem, depending on how large the age difference is between the two of you.  Consider that your boyfriend is old enough for you to be unable to go where he goes  so that’s probably placing stress on your relationship and distance between you if he’s longing to do things that you can’t do.  There may be a part of his life that he enjoys that you are not old enough to be a part of yet. While an age difference isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is something to consider especially given the issues you’re having in your relationship. This isn’t simply something that you are doing to him because you get angry when he backs out on your plans, and don’t allow your boyfriend or anyone else convince you otherwise.

Life is not one size fits all. We are all unique and have different preferences, likes and dislike and desires. What works for one may not work for another – and especially in relationships. So, do those things that you love doing even if you have to do them alone or with a friend.  Spend time with those people who you simply love being with because you enjoy their company and have so much fun when you’re around them. When you do these things, you begin to create a life that you love simply by making loving choices for yourself and your life and how you spend your time.

And the next thing is, where are your friends?  Everyone needs at least one friend to talk to, spend time with and have fun with. One thing that women may do a bit more than men is they may stop seeing their friends when they get into a relationship, and that’s not a great idea. I don’t think this is done intentionally. I just think it’s so easy to immerse ourselves in our significant other because we’re so happy and infatuated that we leave little to no time for our friends. However, a good friend can be a leveler and help us to stay balanced when we meet a guy. A good friend is a good person to bounce ideas off of and to share your feelings and experiences, and may be able to see things that we can’t when we are blinded by the light of infatuation.

So, here’s my advice…..

If you do nothing else, stop waiting for your boyfriend to come home.  You are 19 with a lot of life ahead of you:  LIVE IT.

Living is not waiting and stressing at home while your boyfriend freely chooses to spend his time elsewhere.  If you make plans and he changes his mind, you move forward with your plans without him.  You go to the pool anyway.  You go out to dinner anyway.  You go to the movie anyway.  If your boyfriend is committed and interested, the change in you may make influence a change in him.  BUT, don’t do what you do for that reason.  Do it for yourself.  The only person you can change is yourself so do what you for the right reason and it will be fine.  You will be disappointed if you do this for him, and he shows no change in his behavior so save yourself from more unnecessary pain.  Liberate yourself and don’t allow yourself to ruin your life in despair over a boyfriend who won’t hang out with you.  Hangout with yourself and your friends or simply make some new friends.   Just make sure that you do what you do out of love and respect for yourself, and avoid blaming yourself or taking your anger or disappointment with your boyfriend out on yourself.  Avoid attempting to punish yourself for what you think you’re doing to him.  He’s doing it to himself every time he chooses to not relate, communicate and actually date you like you want your boyfriend to do.  Also remember, your boyfriend is not your husband. This is the time in your life that you do not have to stick with a guy “for better or worse” if it’s not working for you – because he is not your husband. And just remember if you are having problems now that cause you upset and anxiety, marriage only intensifies what already their, and usually does not make a problem better.

Be happy Halle!

Hi Chelsea,

I can sympathize with what you’re going through.  I know it is very painful and the betrayal is grueling.  I agree with Anita that your situation is not adultery, but because it isn’t adultery, it’s obviously a violation of your trust, the relationship and your moral code. Your soul is telling you what is true for you regarding this situation and is presenting you with another opportunity to listen and respond – and not continue to ignore this painful truth about this man as you mentioned you had done early on.

Now, you must stand in your truth, and when you do, peace will come, and somehow the pain you feel will be transformed. You still may feel some intermittent sadness or disappointment, but it won’t be as intense.

M

Here’s what helped me to get through a similar situation. I had to reframe the situation. I wrote down different ways of thinking about the situation that were both true and convincing to me. Then, I selected the option that my self could believe and rest with. So, here’s some self talk that is a blend of what I used and tweaked for what I gleaned from the information that you provided:  “I did not voluntarily create this situation, but I will learn and grow from it. And I will learn to trust my inner self when I sense a warning and not move forward against the will of my soul.  I’m glad the truth has come out about this other woman because I needed to know the truth, and it has given me the knowledge that I need to redirect my life and to make a more loving decision for myself by letting him go. And as I have opened myself to the truth, the other woman can do the same if she chooses to, but whether she does or not, I am not responsible for her choices – only my own.  I love and respect myself and the feelings of the other woman enough to continue in a relationship that is not true to who I am.”

Your self talk may be slightly different, depending on what truths resonate with you the most. Your truth statements will help you put the situation in its proper perspective and aid in healing your emotions and bringing about the peace of mind that you need right now. This is a time of letting go for you so you can embrace other opportunities that await you when you free up your mental space and your time from the pain you’re going through and this man. You are in my thoughts and prayers.