Thank you everyone for the advice. It’s hard for me to process and accept that he really is gone and moved on. Every morning is the same feeling. That sickening feeling, knowing that we are no longer together, and that it is all out of my control. His profile is gone off the dating site. This after spending a weekend away with a couple of our mutual friends, with someone. So, I guess that means he has found someone. I still miss him and stupidly would want him back.

Matt, you are so correct to say that I am very critical of myself. I beat myself up for feeling so sad about someone who obviously didn’t treat me very well, or want to try and make it work and doesn’t want me. Nobody else would want to be in a relationship like we had. And so I feel stupid for loving him so much and allowing this to pull me down into despair. I was miserable, but I also admit that I was to blame for being miserable. I allowed myself to stay in the relationship and not communicate and put up with stuff I shouldn’t have. I know why I did it though. He had a very very strong and dominate personality. Whereas I do not. I’m usually the follower, not the leader. I am mad that he is going on with life, out there doing all the things that WE did together with someone else and I am having to see a counselor. I feel like he’s found this wonderful, beautiful, everything he wants woman and I have not had much luck at finding someone. Everyone tells me that he is NOT going to ever change. He will be the wonderful, nice, affectionate, decent person in the beginning and then he will start to get tired of it and go back Ito his true self. Why do I have such a hard time believing that? If he’s not looking for something serious then why be on the dating site? I NEED TO GET OVER THIS MAN!!!!

Barbara, I’ve been on the site only a couple of weeks as has he. Unfortunately I’ve paid for 3 months. Right now I’m not going to jump into anything serious. It hurts to see his profile is gone off of there. I kind of have an idea of what he did this weekend based on facebook posts of mutual friends. I guess he’s found someone. I know I need to tell myself SO WHAT. His life is no longer my business and I shouldn’t care. That’s really hard. Acceptance that it is over is my battle.
This is the kind of pain that I would never ever wish on my worst enemy. I hope you don’t have to go through it.

I never thought about that every day I’m trying to “forget him” and push myself into healing. I know that everyone heals at different rates….for some reason I think I need to be over this by now. But in reality I’m not. Is it because he is trying to date? Maybe. I could be forcing myself to move forward because of what he is doing now. If he’s ready then I should be ready. But I have no idea what he is feeling or going thru. He could be as unhappy as me and forcing himself to move forward or he could be truly over it and happy. The pain has lessened some which is a positive. But the wanting him back and missing him is still there strong as ever. I’m trying to force myself to believe that I am better off without him and that I don’t want to be with him, and that may all be very truthful, but I’m not ready to believe that. Everyone is telling me I’m so much better off because of how the relationship was and they are not just telling me this to make me feel better, they know him and how he is and also know me as a person and want so much more for me. I could be better in a month or a year, I don’t know. I’m always hard on myself, so I’ve been trying to be a little more understanding with me.

We were supposed to meet at my house tonight to talk about things. I just received this text from him “Hey Im not going to come over this evening. Ive got a ton of stuff to do before my trip and its not going to change anything. You are a nice person but we are just not meant for each other. Im not going down this road again. If you never want to talk again I understand and I am sorry.” And quite honestly, no I don’t want to ever talk to him again. If he is such a coward and POS that he can’t grant me the courtesy of clearing things up then he isn’t worth my time or any sadness I may have. I haven’t responded to his text and not sure if I even will. He agreed that the lack of communication hurt our relationship yet here he is not willing to communicate. I’m actually glad that we are not meeting. I’ve been nervous about it all day and especially about seeing him again.

As far as the dating thing goes, I’m probably going to try and wait.

Renee, you just completely touched on everything I’ve been feeling. That even though he may appear to be what I want in the beginning, he really isn’t going to change enough to be able to stay in a serious relationship. He proved that to me twice now. I was dumb enough to take him back a year ago when he said he’d changed. Also you said ” when we lose that other person, we also immediately lose all of the dreams and plans of the future that we pictured with that person. It’s a huge loss; it’s a kick to the gut.” That’s exactly it!! It’s like my life’s been flipped upside down and all the trips or plans or get togethers….are all gone because of it. I know I have dreams that never did include him…that were all about me and my life. I have to focus on the lack of communication, respect, and broken promises because that’s what the real problem was with the relationship not just the commitment issue.

Thank you so much 🙂 Sometimes I just need to hear someone else tell me what I’ve been telling myself….to prove that I will be OK.

Thank you Matt. You have given some of the most wonderful advice that really gets to what I am feeling. I do struggle with wanting to contact him just to ask him to please understand why I decided not to talk…even though it was about what I needed to do for myself I still think of him and worry how my decision affects him. That’s the low self esteem part of me. He is so hard to get out of my everyday thoughts and almost like I’m still in shock that he isn’t coming back.

Dee and Carrie, thank you so much for your advice. Dee, many of my friends have said that the commitment thing wasn’t really the only issue and to stop focusing on it. The lack of respect he had for me in general is a big issue that probably wasn’t going to change. My hangup is that he kept going back and forth about what he wanted. I had looked forward to that future with him. It’s been 3 weeks since the break up and there are so many things I wish I would’ve done. Like say that I didn’t want to talk about this over the phone and ask that we please meet to talk about it. Instead I gave in to what HE wanted (just like always) and had a very brief conversation over the phone…so I really didn’t get to ask or say everything I wanted. But I know I can’t go back and change that. I still wake up every day with the empty feeling inside me and even with knowing how miserable I was the last several months together I still think that there is nobody out there that will be able to replace him. And the idea of having to date at 40 is very depressing to me.

I was wondering if you two would mind exchanging emails with me. My friends have heard enough and I don’t feel I can confide in them anymore. Mine is kimbrawy@yahoo.com. If not, I understand.