Pamela, you act as if it’s never occurred to Abigail to lose weight. Losing the weight isn’t going to give her wide hips, now, is it? She made it very clear that the problem is that she feels irrationally insecure. Why would her irrational insecurity suddenly vanish even if she does weight?

Do you have a problem with big people?

Abigail, rather than putting your energy into trying to be a shape you’ll probably never achieve, I think you’d be better off putting your energy into changing your attitude. This will be hard — possibly even as hard as permanently losing weight — but the rewards for your quality of life could be amazing. The method I would recommend is mindfulness meditation and gentle self-correction when you find these irrational thoughts coming up. But there are many other methods that can help overcome insecurity and poor self-image, like journalling, or therapy, or whatever.

Does your boyfriend love your body? Is he willing to help you out with this by confirming that every now and again, with compliments and the like? You shouldn’t depend on him for confirmation that you are lovable, but having his support could be a help.

All my best wishes.

I think you were right to not give him another another chance. And I think his response to that demonstrates that very well.

I’ve recently ended a relationship that wasn’t working, and I too wish he was coping better than he is. He doesn’t have much support, having leaned on me too much for too long. But I feel that the solution to that is not to let him lean on me some more. He’s got to stand on his own, and I think your guy has to stand on his own, too.

On top of that, I’ve never been choked to blacking out or ended up with broken ribs. Even if he was hurting you during sex rather than during a fight, that’s still abusive. You made it clear you weren’t up for that. And blacking out is serious shit. You could have ended up with brain damage from him doing that. That is not ok.

I know you want to do what’s best for him. That’s noble, but I think you should also consider the risk to you of any action. Specifically, the risk of slipping back into the ways of thinking that made you let him get away with that stuff. Sometimes it’s OK to do what’s best for you, first. Remember to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.

And with that I don’t even think it’s necessarily good for him to continue to see you and talk to you. As long as he has in his mind that he may get you back and things will be hunky dory like they were, he won’t take the necessary steps to be able to look after himself, build a support network, get his issues sorted so he can treat a woman properly, etc.

So basically, let him go. It’s not your job to look after him anymore. I know it hurts like hell but you can’t look after him, now. You can only drag the two of you into complication and drama.

My best wishes to both of you.

Why would ‘the universe’ have intentions at all? Assuming it has a ‘plan’ for you may be part of what causes this unhappiness.

What if the universe is incapable of caring about anything because it’s just stuff? Then you still know that you care, and you have intentions. Likewise other people have intentions. And many situations happen not because it was anyone’s intention, but because it was just the result of what came before, unintentionally, like space debris landing on the moon.

You can trust it and let go because there’s actually nothing to hold on to. Your sense of control is an illusion. When you let go of that illusion, what you’re left with are the things that are within your control: how you spend your time, what you feed your mind, how you treat the people around you. And that’s subjective, yes, it’s subjective to you. Make good choices so that the outcomes are good for you and others. What is the problem?

Oh, boy.

I don’t know how much you can do if he is so very unwilling to try to work on your issues. If he doesn’t talk to you at all, how does he expect your relationship to work?

I do think that choosing not to fight and moderating your tone of voice is wise. But you also have a right to be honest about how you feel. Does he express his love an affection for you (outside of any quarrels)? If not, I’m not sure this can work at all. If so, maybe you can still make it work. Dogs don’t talk much, but still manage to love their humans, and humans love their dogs. (I’m joking.)

I’m not sure what to suggest other than discussing this with him and trying to find ways for the two of you to connect and understand each other. It sounds like you’re already doing that, though.

Hi Ed. Man, you sound like you are in so much pain. And it’s only been two weeks, so, of course you’re going to be in pain. And I’m sorry that you’re in pain, and I hope that my thoughts about where your pain comes from doesn’t hurt you more but leads you to a path that will help you out of the dark.

The way you’re thinking and talking about this relationship and the break-up betrays an unhelpful attitude, and I believe that that attitude is responsible for a large chunk of your pain.

“I am hurting like I have never hurt before, I don’t want to get better unless better is with her, I don’t want time to heal
unless time will bring her back, I don’t want to get over her unless it would some how reignite her love for me.”

You are holding on to something that is already gone. Clinging to something you cannot have. And it is this clinging that is causing your pain. You haven’t destroyed your future. You haven’t lost the only woman you could ever love. You haven’t ruined everything forever.

I understand, yes, that’s how you feel, and it’s good to be in touch with how you feel, but isn’t there a rational part of you that sees things differently? You were in a relationship, and you were in a bad way, and the relationship ended. That’s all. You were in a relationship and it ended. That happens to the majority of people at some point in their lives, and yes, they usually feel devastated. And then they get on with their lives.

Whatever they taught you in your therapy to help manage your emotions, practice that. Practice like your life depends on it, because it sounds like it might. Practice mindfulness — get on a course or get the Kabat-zinn book or some tapes or whatever you can get that will help. Learn to ease your grip, just a little. Try to see a broader perspective, just slightly. Every step you can take back to see the bigger picture will lift a load of pain off your back.

Believe that time will heal you. Have faith that you, like so many others who had their hearts broken, crushed, pound to dust, can live and love again. I believe in life after love. I have seen it. You will stumble out of this tunnel if you keep walking towards the light. Please keep walking.

May you find ease.

It is tough to lose those that are dear to you, but it’s no use to live in fear and grief when it’s yet to happen.

What helps me face the reality of death is the thought that mortality is an absolutely necessary component of evolution. Natural selection happens through death. Selection means: some live to procreate, some don’t. Disease, scarecity and even violent death (predation) are a vital part of the forces that make life possible. All the previous generations of hominids, of primates, of mammals, of vertebrates, of the strange deep-sea creatures that came before, they all had to die for the next shape of life to be possible. We wouldn’t be here if they hadn’t died in their millions and billions. And we inherited their fragility like we inherited their bones and skin and brains.

So now it is our turn to live and to die. You can’t have one without the other. They are the same thing.

My perspective: Do not marry this man at this time.

The situation sounds complicated and might shake out in a number of different ways, but your relationship is on shaky grounds if he’s in love with this other person and spends a lot of time with her. You feel constantly criticised (not cool) and wonder what life might be like outside of the relationship.

I don’t think you should break up right now, although that’s an option, but kick your wedding plans into the long grass. If you’re going to stay together, there’s no rush and if not, divorce is a paperwork nightmare. Don’t do it right now. Talk, think about what you want, listen to him and to her about what they think, and go from there.

How can this be possible?

Good people suffer. Bad people have all the money. Children die of cancer. Murderers get away with it. Perfectly innocent babies are born in Norway, and babies just as innocent are born in rural India. How can it be possible?

My dear, I think you’re mistaken about what kind of world you live in.

Go easy on yourself. You’re clearly still working on ‘forgiving’, and that’s fine. Keep in mind that your forgiveness is not for his sake — you know he’s a bad person and you won’t let him hurt you again. Your forgiveness is about you letting go of stuff that isn’t your business. So what if he’s going to Hawaii? So what if he’s happy? Your resentment only hurts you. Drop it. Every time it comes up, drop it again. Keep dropping it until it stops coming up.

And next time you think of him, don’t say ‘hi’. Nothing good can come of it.