Hi Annie,

I read all your posts and I empathize with you.

One thing I wanted to mention was in regards to building a relationship with your sister. My sister and I are nine years apart, and we have completely different personalities. She is also into gaming, being on her phone, the new trend of TikTok videos, and just wanting to be with her friends. Growing up I always wanted a friendship with my sister but I realized the age gap was significant so it was only natural for us to not have that kind of friendship which sisters that are two or three years apart may have but I still wanted us to have a good, and strong relationship. I will share some of the few things that really helped me build a strong bond with her. However, I  understand that people are different so not all things work with everyone, but I will still share in the hopes of something good coming out of it. My sister is a teenager and I am in my twenties.

1) Recognizing that my sister is in a different timeline in life than me and probably has her own stress/troubles etc, I try to bring up conversations that allow her to also open up to me while I can share some of the things in my life. I try to get her to understand how important it is for us to have a good bond because we always need that emotional connectivity, and reliability with someone in our family to feel supported. I always discuss the importance of these things with her and gradually she does understand. I start conversations by asking about her and eventually we have longer conversations. Since I am much older than her I have felt that it is my responsibility to maybe take the lead in strengthening our communication. (This is also because growing up my parents have constantly reminded me to take the lead as the older sibling, it was frustrating at first but I try to view it from a practical lens of age difference)

2) Don’t be afraid to open up to your sister. I have lately been going through a difficult time and again, keeping in mind the age gap I know my sister cannot understand my situation completely but I let her know that I am sad, I am feeling frustrated, I am hurt, or whatever it may be, by doing this she even sees that I also have my bad days and when she has her bad days then she can vent to me.

3) I try to do things she likes for some time such as making TikTok videos (as annoying as they are for me) but for her, they are fun so we spend time doing that and then I will take her on a long drive where we can vent, blast music, and just be ourselves. It was difficult at first but eventually when I started to be more involved in her life then she took initiative as well and we became closer.

Overall after reading all of your posts Annie,  I hope you feel better soon. Lately, I have been going through feelings of “numbness, and emptiness” as well stemming from a breakup, and although it is very difficult, just remember it is one step closer to finding a relationship you truly deserve.

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for offering to be there for me…I really appreciate it. It is unfortunate that we are both dealing with similar situations but it is certainly a relief knowing that I am not alone. I agree with the points Anita has mentioned, you were indeed very admirable in this relationship and took actions on your part to ensure it could work in every way possible. I do not think Dave did, in fact, I truly believe he knew well before dating you, considering he also had a “five-year relationship” before you what his parent’s expectations were which I think should have clearly been communicated to you at the very start of your relationship. Again, I agree with Anita, there is indeed hypocrisy in your story.

I also thought I would marry this person, I told my friends and family all about the life I imagined for us. As time passes though I again reflect back and think, would I want to marry a person with a family that is judging me about things that are not in my control, would I want a man that cannot be honest and sincere with me, do I want a man that cannot simply stand or keep up with the promise he gave me, because all of those things are what love is made of us? So in my opinion, although my boyfriend did tell me he loved me too, it was not the kind of love that I would want in my future marriage or long-term relationship. Even though Dave claims he loved you which I do not want to say he did or did not, I do think two-weeks is too little of time to truly love someone, and even if he did, he simply did not prioritize that love which is something you certainly deserve.

Lisa, I grew up seeing horrible relationships around me especially the marriage of the closest people to me. I have seen countless divorces, betrayals, and subconsciously I started believing this was the outcome of all relations. But, when we think about it on an individual level, it is merely two incompatible people trying to save a marriage which makes it a disaster followed by other environmental factors. Just think had you married Dave there would have been a mountain of problems coming your way, resulting in a potential break-up.

This is a lot to absorb and I don’t want to keep rambling, so for now, it is healthy to take the time and just feel the sadness and when you are ready to talk about it more, I would love to share. One thing I suggest that has helped me is writing a list of all the things that were wrong in this relationship and your expectation of a loving and caring relationship, including for me at least, a loving family-in-law life. I read that when I have the temptation to contact him because at that time I am only focused on the good memories, and re-reading my original forum post because Anita generously helped paint a more clear picture for me, also makes me feel better.

Dear Lisa,

I can completely relate to your story and your emotions. I am experiencing my first break up, in my early twenties, after a year-long relationship with a guy who is also Indian, an only child and the reason we supposedly cannot be together now is that his family believes in arranged marriages. I have posted my full story on a separate form titled “claim he is not choosing his parents, rather he is losing me” if you are interested in reading my entire story.

In my relationship what really hurt me the most was the dishonesty on his part for not telling me from the very beginning the expectations of his family. We both belong to the same culture and religion, so he would constantly reassure me it would never be a problem but was always afraid to tell his parents about me (again, my full story is already posted and it hurts to retype it), anyways fast forward, after he told his parents they had very extreme reactions and well eventually said they would not be accepting and primarily because they did not “choose” me. They didn’t even bother talking to me because his mother was just too stubborn in her own ways according to him. We have been going back and forth but the relationship has recently ended for good.

I have been a mess as well, constantly going through emotions where I am fine, then sad, then angry, and then just feeling numb from all the hurting. It has been almost a week but the pain is still very sharp. I have surrounded myself with a strong support system of my family and friends which has been really helpful but of course, it is still taking time to heal. I am focusing on other things in my life that I use to enjoy doing, but the pain really stems from this first heartbreak which I truly believed to be “the one” for me. As time passes, I am realizing that our relationship was bound to end and maybe the sooner it happened the better. Such cultures and traditions are deeply rooted in many South Asian families (I speak from experience), and you can never truly free yourself from it, and it is the worst when you do marry into it. You are expected to compromise your life and revolve everything around theirs, although it does depend on the person, it is still the case for many individuals.

I cannot give an exact estimate as to how long the pain will last since I am currently going through it, but I do find that it is slowly, slowly getting better. I started becoming obsessed with how I could have saved the relationship or why this all was happening but once you start to accept and focus on the healing process then it does get better. To be honest I am still learning and trying to relieve the pain so when I fully do then I would be happy to share more of my thoughts on the matter with you. For now, all I can suggest is to really focus on distracting yourself, meditating (I just started but I have read that it can do wonders for a person), and journaling. Do what you need to feel comfortable and my advice is to try not to call and text. I did call him a few times after the breakup and the same with him but the thing is no matter what the outcome will not change and talking just delays the healing process. However, when I did make the call it did feel better to get it out of my system so I am not sure if it was still the right thing to do but at the time I needed to and after I felt better, but for the future, I am going to try and avoid it. Just don’t be too harsh on yourself, it’s okay to go through these phases, I am learning it is all part of the process to feeling better.

Hi Sunshine,

You may have just posted your last response as a way to vent so please do not feel as if you have to reply or even read my post. However, in case you do, my only sincere advice to you is to walk away while you can before it continues further and you are even more devastated. As per your response, it is clear that because of his family/cultural traditions there is no long term or marriage in this relationship and if that is something you hope for in your own future, then it might be better to move on and start your healing process. I know it is extremely hard especially because your life is so used to him but sometimes making the harder choice is better for a mentally happier future you.

If this form of love sucks then it is not the love you deserve.

Warm wishes,

Noor

Dear Emma,

Although I cannot relate to exactly how you feel, I can certainly understand some of your perspectives as I feel similarly when cruel and violent things happen towards children. My whole life I have wanted to grow up and make a difference to help make the world a better place for children because I have seen some very unfortunate situations and my heart used to hurt because as much as I want to help all of them it is hard to. However, as time passed, I realized although I cannot change the things for all of them I can use my empathy as fuel to start from where I can. I volunteer at children’s hospitals, camps that help children affected by cancer, call centers that are for children dealing with mental health issues, and pursuing my education for a degree that can help me get a job to help children. It is extremely hard as Anita mentioned to make a huge difference in the world unless you are in the position of great political and financial power, but sometimes even small things that can help save even one child or in your case even one animal can and does make a tremendous difference.

When I get deeply saddened by the cruelty in the world that happens to children instead of turning off my empathy I try to focus on all the good people and the good things out there that do want to help them. There are people like you that also want to help animals so although there are numerous cruel things that happen to animals because of people, there are also wonderful things that help save animals because of people, people like you. Try to remind yourself that and use it to continue doing what you can to help animals. I know our empathy for such things can sometimes feel like a burden but if you practice using it as the motivation you can do even greater things for the good of helping animals.

I wish you well Emma 🙂