Yes exactly..

Affected in what ways ? Do u have any examples?

So i guess i correlated her to my mother and that made me shutdown?

I was always wary of not upsetting her, getting her in the bad mood, walking on eggshells/etc. I think thats how i felt with the girl lately..

What do u mean?

Did u feel like u could express things on art at first?

I mean that it was me that caused all this. I wish it was her leaving, would have been easier to deal with.

I meant how did u experience it in general but yes, i didnt experience anything like that lately, only in the beginning and some random days months ago, but i was mostly lost in thoughts.

Thats exactly how i feel now, all my good feelings are gone..only sorrow, regret, despair and sometimes anger.

Yeah, i give them too much significance and power.

I think its a double edge sword with me because i am so aware and have consumed so much information around trauma, rocd, adhd and stuff that messed up my brain really good, but i guess with time it will all fall in place..

My home was definitely not the safest, with fighting and arguing looming over every hour.

I wonder, how did u experience the dissociation after, in therapy? (dont answer this if u dont feel like it)

Yeah that’s what i hear we have to do, but it seems like voodoo-magic to me haha

Your words are very empowering, im glad you are in a better place finally, i hope i get there too someday 🙂

Hello anita

She also mentioned that in the beginning when i first got the shutdown (and the last time we spoke) that it could limerence and i want the feeling more than her, and i told her that i dont care, i still like her for her qualities and i love her insecurities. Its just now that i feel depressed and have no feelings for anyone around me, its very hard.

How do u break the dopamine cycle tho? But what gave me this? Or my shutdown could have ended my limerence? I really have no clue.

Im gonna do this here yes, here it goes:

Fantasy
I didnt rly have any “hopes”, i just wanted us to take it slow and meet each other, spend time with each other, nothing heavy.I had no “unreal vision” of us, just normal stuff, maybe going on vacation somewhere together, her visiting me, ride the motorcycle and go on a trip, show her around. I still want those things, but i can’t feel the joy right now.

Reality
She is kind, giving and listens to me. She hasnt made too much effort (mostly it was done by me) and she can take things personally very quick and shutdown. She is very shy and scared to do anything without knowing the “result” beforehand, like a contract (reassurance).

On the other hand, she is very affectionate, loving, modest, shy (i like it), faithful, has a moral compass like mine, communicative (most of the times), she is very feminine, sets boundaries, trustworthy, respectful, witty, good sense of humor, passionate and i admire her a lot for what she’s accomplished in her life and has goals. I also like what she labels as “insecurities” on her, i find them cute.

Although i can’t feel anything right now, i know she has those qualities because i was thinking that before i froze, when i was still infatuated, i was questioning myself on “why do i like her so much”.

But it wasnt the first time she was emotionally available and sweet. I think it has to do with the dorsal vagal nerve shutdown because it affects me on every department of my life.