Btw now she told me that she’s gonna visit me soon and my mind instantly went: “We will be awkward, we will be bored, we will not have a nice time and we’ll be looking forward to seperate” and i felt really bad, like i don’t want her to come because my mind “predicts” all those things.. Damn it’s so hard!

Sometimes i think of her, of what we have, of me and i feel like it’s not “real”, idk how to describe it, it feels “imaginary/fake” or something.. Wtf is this?

But why did it end so violently and suddenly (november/repulsion & avoidance) 🙁

Also like i said, people usually miss others, maybe im not normal or i can’t “miss” her because she’s in my mind 24/7?

Another thing, shouldn’t i feel terrified in the thought of losing her?

Nothing comes out when i try that, it’s like there is nothing there. Even though i’ve heard people doing that.

Another paradox that bothers me is, i text her/call her, we have a lot of fun, playfulness, teasing each other, warm moments, but next day i wont have the “urge” to initiate contact again. I can’t understand me.. Even tho i have no urge for anything

I guess i got to sleep it off now..

The only times i would relax would be with a loved one, hugging and just being there. I remembered back in 2019 with an ex of mine, the hugs used to feel so strongly content and warm. I felt that with the current one but i was clouded by anxiety, but still, i can’t remember the feeling..

Yes idk why..I read her card again and cried a bit, then i was shopping online for a gift on her nameday which is a month from now and i was happy and excited thinking of her reaction. Then suddenly i felt dysphoria and anger lol. Could it be that im hangry?

Ok even tho i cant consciously connect them, why am i turning the volume down?

Hmm, how can i prevent that then?

But why would that affect my whole being and not just the relationship with her? It seems very strange to me.

Hmm, ever since the day this happened, i’ve been at war with myself, the feelings, the numbness, everything.

Idk if it helps but im trying to find the correct order, did the anhedonia come first and then fear of losing her or “future plans talk” > fear > dissociation > anhedonia?

I dont remember feeling scared, i was feeling empty/unsatisfied/no mood..but as soon as i realized that even talking to her didn’t lift my mood i instantly panicked and started obsessing over “where did my feelings go”..

Yeah, that’s what she said (not directly because she’s shy & afraid too), but i think she does.. She’s a gem 🙁

I know i just assumed u learned many things about that place haha (that is the trap 😉 )

Yeah same sadly..

Haha thank you for your kind words anita 🙂

Btw, i think we’ve talked about it again, but what are the symptoms of dissociation? Do u think i got it in November?