I read copilot’s opinion and i am not sure. I suspect anhedonia/depression kicked in first because i can’t explain it otherwise. If the issue was the commitment then i would feel free to walk away and live my life, but that’s not the case.

You are right that we’re both anxious about it, because noone wants to lose one another i think. But my anxiety comes from my lack of feelings. Today we called and watched a movie and in the first 30 minutes i wanted to disappear. My mind was “u are bored of her” and my ears would feel very hot. But i stayed and then we videocalled for the next 6 hours, which was fine. Not as fun as yesterday but still alright. In the end she was teasing me about her being single and i think i didnt take it very well (in my mind) but i teased her back, so i think all good.
I was looking at her, whilst seeing the beautiful girl i’ve once fell for, now my soul is just empty/void. I think of sweetness/affection and i feel nothing. Not with her, or any other human being. It’s like i’m devoid of affection right now. But who knows, maybe the up-close connection will be different like December.
In the evening i was thinking of her and i was fine, then my mind imagined her leaving my life and i felt a huge void in my chest like vacuum. I think she would leave a gaping hole in my chest if she left.

Hey anita

I would say the same but then my mind says: maybe it’s not real and its ur need for attachment projected, constant doubts.

Yeah we did have the videocall for 8 hours, we laughed, we teased and we discussed something in the end that was kinda the November talk that possibly triggered me, but this time i voiced my opinions and didnt get triggered. Basically she asked me what my “goals” are in the love department, hers is to get married eventually, that’s why she dates, not for fun. I told her i dont care about marriage, i want a partner to share my life with and possibly build together and be there for each other, marriage or not i dont really care. I told her i would marry my girl if that’s what she wanted but it doesn’t make a difference for me. She said “so u will compromise”, i said it’s not really a compromise for me since i dont feel like im giving something up, my feelings don’t change marriage or not. So probably she didnt like this answer. Then she asked me again if i would be willing to leave my friends and move to Cyprus and i asked her if she would move to Greece, she said “if u make me feel like it” and i said the same to her. I told her i dont prioritize my friends in my life choices since my friends will eventually build their own families and leave me behind, so i have my future girlfriend as a priority because that’s the person i’ll end up spending my life with, supposedly. She said that she’s having a hard time living away from her family but she would consider. So i told her that the issue here is more on her side, since my “obstacles” are just logistics (job-property) and hers is emotional attachment. But anyway, we both agreed that we have to spend time together if we want to see if it works, but now she’s anxious (like me) that if she visits me and it doesn’t work out, then what? (meaning we will be again blocked with anxiety), but i told her that if we meet with this mindset ofc we will not feel anything positive since we’re filled with fear and preoccupation, but why wouldn’t it work since we both felt amazing in December? She said “idk” and then we left it at that.

What’s ur opinion anita? Could this have been my major trigger (commitmentphobe) that shut me down?

Hey anita

Yeah so i didnt want to have this issue and ended up quitting SSRIs, i didnt want another problem on top of the previous ones..

I am not sure but it fits into retroactive jealousy theme of ROCD.. haha u could look it up.

Could be yes, a mean to never allow the connection fully.

Damn today has been a hard day.. My mind is constantly ruminating, what if this, what if that, what if i dont want her, what if i never wanted her, why am i texting her since i’m not feeling good about it? All those things.. We will probably videocall later but i am so scared that i will be bored and feel nothing 🙁

I’ve had a thing when i took Escitalopram for the first week (i only took it for 10 days tho), where i would feel weird numb sensations in my body and i quit.

Wow, i wonder how that feels.. What were ur obsessive loops?

I hope i find it in this lifetime 🙂

Damn i am jealous anita. How was your experience with Major depression? How long did it last? I also remember u took meds.

An hour ago i noticed something my mind does.. I was seeing again a cute bear-couple reel (dudu & bubu) because for some reason i’m a fan in the last 3 days haha, i related her to Bubu (the female one) and i started crying while i was riding the scooter, my mind was “she’s my Bubu” (because that’s how i wanted to treat her before November) but 5 minutes later, a thought came: “She’s not really something special, she’s just a girl that u met for 3 days only IRL, of course it’s not gonna feel good when u’re together”, and i felt this sense of uneasiness and dysphoria, then tried to look at the reel again (the one who got me crying a lot, to check if it would still work) and i felt nothing, it was as if this thought froze my feelings for a while and i think that’s a mechanism or what?

Idk anita, for some reason my mind blames all this on her, but i can’t make sense of it. They say when u’re depressed/anhedonic ur mind looks for someone to blame.

I can’t really fantasize anything, that’s gone.

Thank you anita, i appreciate your kind words, i feel u are intelligent and honest too 🙂

Sometimes i wish i was “dumb” or more unaware, i would for sure be happier!

Haha, i havent danced in 3 years, it was fun times 🙂 (how would u connect it?)

Hmm, your answers give me perspectives that i’ve never thought of..

I mean that it feels so real that my feelings are gone, but i always forget to notice that it’s about everything and everyone..

It’s more like someone went through the exact same process, not something i wasn’t aware of. Still got half of the video left to watch tho.