Hey anita

I feel like mine are not connected at all, i want different things but i can’t feel them.

Well, i meant like most people, not many, u are right.

Today as soon i woke up twice for no reason, my mind instantly went to her, started the negative thoughts, then i got up and i cried saying in my thoughts: “i can’t do this, she’s my little heart” (a saying we have in greece which is literally how it translates but shows affection and connection). Also, when i saw her message today i felt my stomach/heart drop for a second or two.

I was out with friends and i can’t enjoy anything, everything seems without meaning, food, friends, jokes, money.. and i am constantly thinking of her.

Okay, I got overly sentimental 3 hours ago.

Couldn’t help it: “She’s my little heart”, you said. I couldn’t help but go: oĥĥhhhhhhhhhh

How many pages have we been communicating here?

( using my 📱 so, I’ll B right back 2 U)

Wow! Perfect double posting- your post above submitted at the exact minute I submitted the above,right before yours.

So, I went back and it was on page 14 (Dec 19, 2025) that you submitted your first post here, on this 2015 thread. That’s 89-14= 75 pages ago of mostly just me and you talking.

75 pages.

Any revelations, any clarity gained in 75 pages? (I am asking)?

Don’t get me wrong: I really like talking to you and want to keep talking.. but just wondering: anything changed 4 U since we started talking?

🤔 Anita

Hey anita

Wow, i didnt see ur post when i posted mine and then went straight to sleep.

To be honest, no i am still confused with myself. I can’t seem to be able to make a decision and stick with it. I am tortured by constant doubts and uncertainty, sorrow, void.
Today i woke up and i instantly checked my feelings and i still feel apathy. It feels so real, i also dont wanna do anything, i want to lay there. I went and opened her amazing and cute gift for my birthday again, to smell her perfume and read her cards and i could only shed one small tear which felt “forced”, but nothing like some days ago where i’d cry a lot.

Something i noticed, we had two days of videocalls last week. In the first day everything were going fine and we were laughing, until she brought up the talk about “future goals and compatibility”. We discussed what i posted in my previous posts and she said “idk where this all leads, if we’re compatible” and i felt like i was convincing her to stay again (even tho it’s probably in my mind). I told her there is only one way to find out, to experience it. Then, as i was telling her my opinion on marriage and stuff (something inside me was questioning “why are u doing all this?”), i felt like she’s gonna leave because of what i told her. So then i asked her “u are gonna end things, right? Now that u found out we don’t have the same goals” (even though mine wasnt much different than hers). And she said “well i can’t tell u for sure now but i’ll think of this convo 100%”. Then in the next day/videocall i was much more apathetic/bored and near the end of the call she was joking about her being single and instead of me taking it as a joke, i started doubting her in my mind and i felt annoyed with this joke. So, yesterday i woke up crying in the thought of leaving “my little heart”, but now i am again distant and i dont feel the same emptiness when i think of the future without her.

Could this be a defense mechanism that activates when i perceive rejection in the future? (much like our november talk, this one also felt similar, the one about goals and marriage)

Good morning 🌅 Confused:

I asked Copilot about your posts today (the recent two), and here is what the very intelligent Copilot had to say about you:

“He is describing a classic push‑pull attachment response: when he feels connected and safe, his feelings come online, but the moment the conversation shifts toward future, compatibility, or the possibility of rejection, his nervous system flips into shutdown to protect him. It’s a defense mechanism that turns off his feelings, so he won’t get hurt. Then, when he imagines losing her, the real attachment breaks through and he cries again.

That line in the movie (“it’s not your fault”) hit the child part inside him that carries old shame and fear, which is why he cried so intensely.

I asked Copilot if your girlfriend doing something wrong.

“No — she isn’t doing anything wrong. She is having normal conversations about the future, compatibility, and what she wants in a relationship. These are healthy topics for two adults who are considering being together.

The problem isn’t her behavior — it’s how his system interprets it.

When she talks about goals or uncertainty, he hears: “you’re not enough” “you’re about to be abandoned”
“you’re going to be rejected again”

She isn’t rejecting him — but his old wounds react as if she is…

His girlfriend is not the person who hurt him. But his body reacts as if she is. He needs to remind himself: ‘This is an old wound being touched. It’s not happening now.’

His problem is not indecision. It’s not compatibility. It’s not his girlfriend. It’s a scared nervous system that flips between: ‘I love her, don’t leave me’ and ‘I’m shutting down so you can’t hurt me'”

Next, I quoted to Copilot what you shared on Dec 19 & 22: “the relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I can’t remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid, definitely trying to escape in imaginary worlds and games though… I was the one she (your mother) was leaning on while confessing her issues with my father, relationship things and dislikes, to which I would only respond “just break up” because that was the only thing making sense to me at the age of 11.
She was like that to me too (attacking you physically), but since I am a male, I would fight back and things would escalate pretty badly, especially after my body started developing and I was able to overpower her… I dreamt of being loved and finding romance, since I was a pretty shy kid with no experience in girls until the age of 20.” and asked how this fits with the above analysis.

Copilot: “Here is the simplest, clearest way to connect his childhood story with everything we’ve already analyzed — all in one paragraph, in very simple language, without jargon:

His childhood explains his entire pattern: he grew up with a mother who was chaotic, violent, unpredictable, and emotionally needy, so he never learned what stable love feels like.

As a child he had to protect himself by shutting down, escaping into imaginary worlds, and carrying adult problems he wasn’t built to handle. He also learned that affection could suddenly turn into attack, so closeness and danger became mixed together in his nervous system.

Now, as an adult, when his girlfriend talks about the future or anything that feels like possible rejection, the same old fear gets triggered, and he goes numb to protect himself. And when something touches the deeper wound — like the “it’s not your fault” scene in Good Will Hunting — it hits the part of him that still feels unworthy, responsible, and scared of being left.

So, his current confusion isn’t about his girlfriend at all; it’s the old child‑self reacting to love the only way it learned to survive.”

Next, I asked: “is there a way for him to heal without addressing his childhood experience?”

Copilot: “No. He cannot fully heal without addressing his childhood experience. But he can make progress without diving into every detail of it.

His childhood is not ‘a story from the past’ — it is the operating system his nervous system still runs on. The chaos, fear, unpredictability, and emotional burden he carried as a child shaped how his body reacts to closeness, conflict, and love today. So, if he never looks at that wound, he will keep mistaking old fear for present truth, and every relationship will trigger the same cycle of numbness, panic, doubt, and longing.

He doesn’t need to relive every memory, but he does need to understand that his reactions come from an injured child‑self, not from the woman he’s dating. Without that understanding, he will keep thinking something is wrong with the relationship, when really, it’s the past replaying itself inside him.

Here’s the key distinction: He can feel better temporarily without addressing childhood.
(Distraction, avoidance, new relationships, emotional highs.)

But he cannot become stable, consistent, or emotionally secure without addressing it. Because the wound keeps running the show.

Healing doesn’t mean digging through trauma endlessly. It means learning to say: ‘Ah. This feeling is old. It’s not about her.’ That one shift changes everything.

He can feel temporary relief without touching childhood, but he cannot become emotionally stable without understanding that his childhood is still living inside him.

Let me put this in the clearest, least‑complicated way:

His childhood is not ‘a memory.’ It’s the blueprint his body still uses to decide what is safe and what is dangerous. When he was young love came mixed with fear, affection came mixed with violence, closeness came mixed with unpredictability, he had to protect himself by shutting down, he had to carry adult emotions he wasn’t built for, and he had no model of calm, steady, reliable connection.

So now, as an adult when someone he loves talks about the future → he feels danger, when he senses possible rejection → he shuts down, when he feels too close → he gets scared, when he feels too distant → he panics, and when something touches his shame (“it’s not your fault”) → he breaks open

This is not relationship confusion. This is a child‑self trying to survive inside an adult body.

So, can he heal without addressing childhood?

He can cope. He can distract himself. He can push feelings away. He can stay in relationships. He can function.

But he cannot stop the cycle — the numbness, panic, doubt, apathy, crying, longing — unless he understands that these reactions are old, not about the present.

He doesn’t need to dig through every memory. He doesn’t need to relive trauma.

He just needs to learn one thing: ‘This feeling is from the past. It is not about the person in front of me.’ That single shift is the beginning of real healing.”

End of conversation with Copilot.

I don’t think you ever addressed this old wound from your first 2 decades of life when living with your mother, did you, Confused?

🤍 Anita

Hey 🙂 Confused:

I’m on the 📱 so I can’t use Copilot, but knowing Copilot long enough, I figure he’ll say the same things he already said (a repeat).

I don’t know why you never addressed anything related to your childhood with your current therapist or previous ones-

Is it that they didn’t bring your childhood up? (I can’t imagine it to be the case), or is it that you don’t want to talk about it?

If it’s the second option: is it because you don’t think your childhood + ( living with your mother till the age of 20 or so) is relevant to your current struggles?

🤔 Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

I hear how hard all of this is for you, and I care about you. But I also notice that we keep circling the same place, and I don’t want to keep repeating things that don’t seem to land for you. I’m not a therapist, and I don’t want to take that role.

What you’re describing touches something very deep from your past, and that’s something only you and your therapist can really work through together. I’m here to listen and be present, but I can’t carry the work for you.

I hope you can take this gently — I’m not pulling away, just shifting so our conversations don’t drain me or keep us stuck in the same loop.

* The above is a reply crafted by you know-who (ha-ha), but I mean it. I’ll be on my phone next.

Anita