Good morning, Confused:

Before giving you my opinion, Because I am at the computer at the moment, I’ll give you Copilot’s opinion first:

“He’s essentially narrating a mind caught between genuine connection and chronic self‑doubt. On one hand, he’s describing an 8‑hour call full of warmth, ease, and emotional reciprocity — evidence that he was present, attached, and engaged.

On the other hand, the moment the conversation shifted into long‑term logistics (marriage, relocation, life‑building), his internal alarm system switched on.

His reply shows a pattern: he intellectualizes (“maybe it’s not real,” “maybe it’s projection,” “constant doubts”) as a way to distance himself from the vulnerability he actually felt.

The content of the conversation — marriage, moving countries, prioritizing a partner over friends, her emotional attachment to family — is exactly the kind of future‑oriented talk that activates a commitment‑phobic nervous system.

Notice how he frames everything as potential incompatibility or future catastrophe (“if she visits and it doesn’t work,” “we’ll be blocked with anxiety again”), which is classic pre‑emptive detachment. He’s not describing a lack of feelings; he’s describing fear masquerading as logic.

The fact that he keeps returning to “maybe it’s not real” is not evidence of disconnection — it’s evidence of panic about the realness of the connection. In that sense, yes: this reply reads like someone who was triggered by the November‑type conversation themes and is now trying to retroactively explain his shutdown through doubt rather than acknowledging the vulnerability that scared him.”

I asked for a summary of the above in the simplest language:

“He did feel connected to her, but the moment the conversation turned to serious future topics — marriage, moving countries, long‑term plans — his fear kicked in. After that, he started doubting everything, not because the feelings weren’t real, but because the vulnerability scared him. His mind is using “maybe it’s not real” as a way to protect himself from getting hurt. So yes, this looks like a commitment trigger: the future talk overwhelmed him, and instead of staying with the feelings, he shifted into doubt and overthinking.”

Next, I asked: “can you elaborate on what scares him in the simplest language?”

Answer: “Here’s the simplest, most human explanation of what scares him:

He’s afraid of losing something important — either her, or himself. More specifically: He’s scared the feelings are real, because real feelings mean real risk. He’s scared of choosing wrong, of committing and then being hurt or abandoned.

He’s scared of the future becoming “serious”, because serious means responsibility, change, and vulnerability. He’s scared he won’t be enough, or that he’ll disappoint her.

He’s scared of giving his heart and then losing it, which is why he tries to convince himself it’s “not real.”

He’s scared of repeating old pain, so he tries to protect himself by doubting the connection.

In the simplest language: He cares, and caring makes him feel unsafe.”

Next, I asked for advice for you, Confused.

“Advice for him: He needs to slow down, stop catastrophizing, and separate fear from facts. His feelings for her are real; the panic is what’s confusing him. When the future comes up, he jumps into “what if everything goes wrong” mode, and that shuts down his ability to feel anything good. The work for him is to notice when fear is talking and not treat it like truth.

He should focus on three things:

1. Stay in the present, not the future. Every time he jumps to “what if it doesn’t work,” he disconnects from what is working. He needs to bring himself back to the actual connection they have now.

2. Name the fear instead of believing it. When he thinks “maybe it’s not real,” he should pause and say:
“This is fear talking, not reality.” That alone reduces the panic.

3. Take small steps instead of big leaps. He doesn’t need to solve marriage, relocation, or lifelong compatibility today. He only needs to take the next step — meeting, spending time, seeing how it feels.

If he can do these three things, the connection will feel clearer and the fear will feel smaller.”

I’ll be back to you, Confused, when I’m on the phone.

Anita

Hey anita, thank you for your replies, i will respond later in the night when i’ll have time to read the messages 🙂

I read copilot’s opinion and i am not sure. I suspect anhedonia/depression kicked in first because i can’t explain it otherwise. If the issue was the commitment then i would feel free to walk away and live my life, but that’s not the case.

You are right that we’re both anxious about it, because noone wants to lose one another i think. But my anxiety comes from my lack of feelings. Today we called and watched a movie and in the first 30 minutes i wanted to disappear. My mind was “u are bored of her” and my ears would feel very hot. But i stayed and then we videocalled for the next 6 hours, which was fine. Not as fun as yesterday but still alright. In the end she was teasing me about her being single and i think i didnt take it very well (in my mind) but i teased her back, so i think all good.
I was looking at her, whilst seeing the beautiful girl i’ve once fell for, now my soul is just empty/void. I think of sweetness/affection and i feel nothing. Not with her, or any other human being. It’s like i’m devoid of affection right now. But who knows, maybe the up-close connection will be different like December.
In the evening i was thinking of her and i was fine, then my mind imagined her leaving my life and i felt a huge void in my chest like vacuum. I think she would leave a gaping hole in my chest if she left.

Hey anita

Haha it’s exactly how i felt at that moment!

Is it? Or is it nostalgia/sorrow about “what could have been” ? if that’s so, then why don’t i feel excited since nothing changed on her end? I guess my state changed..

I get your point yeah, i remember a week before i got hit by this, i was feeling overwhelmed by feelings for her, surging through my whole body like i would explode.

But now, desert.. It’s so distressing..

Haha pain turns me to a poet i guess

U are right but i feel ungrateful and worthless. Two days ago, she told me (and she was scared i would cringe or get angry) that when she went to pray and light candles, she lit one for my mother too (which is deceased and she doesn’t know her ofc). And that was so deep that reflected my own void and worthlesness again 🙁

I think u did say that to me yeah, i will look into it in a while 🙂

She is kinda religious yes, she used to pray and light candles for me since the summer in 2025, she also bought me a guardian bell for the motorcycle (idk if u know what this is) 🙂
I felt nothing at first, felt like i “should be feeling” something about such a sweet thing so i told her that what she did was very kind and sweet, also very rare and noone has ever treated me like this before. When i typed my previous message i was crying hard and feeling like i don’t deserve her, now i feel nothing again.

Well, 31 minutes ago

I appreciate it too but the problem is with my feelings 🙁

I think i’ve never learned to appreciate people like that, i was only basing my actions on what i would be feeling, rather on focusing on positive things like that.

I cant understand ur point about thoughts and feelings.

But why would it be up and then all the way down, can’t it stay in the middle like all people? 🙁