Oh yeah i see the point. It’s like u are showing me the sun while i have my eyes closed involuntarily.

So according to him, my defense is to have my whole past completely buried and unprocessed or something like that.. that could be right.

Something else, when the therapist asked me today “what would the child u need”, i think i blurted out “safety”, but idk how or where to ask it from.

Same here anita 🙂

Haha i forgot about the emojis and this phrase, its phone time!

Glad u are handling everything better now 🙂

After talking with Gemini AI and watching a video: Inside the mind of an avoidant attacher, i realized that perhaps my shutdown came because of unmet needs, of things i didnt voice when my mind was telling me to, or it was because of me being afraid to leave my comfort zone. The guy in the video (Levi) mentions that whenever the “ick” was present, he just needed space and he would be looking for connection again (with the same partner) but that was caused because he didn’t set his boundaries. Ofc he never knew it until he looked up attachment styles and all. With his current GF, whenever he feels like he needs space, he tells her, she’s fine and he goes into “discussion with his parts” or something like that, he called it, where basically he communicates with his inner child, then he’s ready to connect with his GF again and solve issues. Which is strange because when i felt all these in november, i remember feeling like “leave me alone for now, but don’t leave me for good”, but ofc i couldn’t say it because i didn’t know what was happening or how long i would need space.

Hey anita

Yeah that’s what he says, but still, it doesn’t click with me, because that wasn’t the order. I was thinking (again), why would my situation has something to do with avoidance, while i can’t even enjoy anything else? I dont take pleasure from anything. I was wondering, if it was a relationship issue, imagining me with another girl on my motorcycle (for example) would bring me joy and excitement, but no.

Also, the order was: 10th November, waking up feeling “down”/meh. 11th, even worse, feeling like i’ve lost my romance (not just for her, but in general, like i don’t have anything romantic to give to anyone), then noticing that i don’t care about meeting her anymore suddenly, but that worries me, so i have a convo with a friend of mine and i tell her “Since yesterday, i can’t feel pleasure for anything, including my relationship and that made me want to disengage.” Then i would start obsessively searching for my feelings whole night, 12th november, i read her text (a funny meme) and boom, stomach cramp/disgust or something (like the guy from the video with the ROCD i told u some days ago described), then dissociation/DP|DR and obsessive analyzing/searching, even more stomach cramps when arguing with her. But i focused on the relationship because it was the most important thing for me, so it could have been just a depressive episode all along that i turned into something else, maybe it was the end of the honeymoon phase but my body didn’t take it well?

I wonder what mr. copilot has to say about this haha

I think it’s more like the second one. But the first could also be a possibility. I asked ChatGPT if u can develop depression after having the honeymoon phase ending and it said (without me mentioning anything), that many people experience intense anxiety, rocd and doubts after honeymoon phase because the drop is so intense in their brains, usually due to insecure attachments. It kinda shocked me.

I would say yes, given that in most of my relationships i would hardly set boundaries, people please and accept shitty behavior.

It wasn’t much, just accepting breadcrumbs, coming back and then leaving, then accepting her back only to leave again (only with 1 girl tho), no abuse or anything like that.

Good 🌄 Confused:

It ocurred to me earlier this morning that since your analyzing mind habitually goes into overdrive when it comes to analyzing your feelings-

that if you shift the topic of your analysis from your feelings to something else (let’s say joining a chess club where analysis is a big part of the game), it may help.

🤔 Anita