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ConfusedParticipantI like your analogies, anita 🙂
You know it’s very strange, i’ve never experienced such thing before.
It goes like this: I feel hollow, but then i feel sparks for her, then they go away and the doubts start. Then sometimes i cry and it goes away in minutes and i feel like “why did i even cry? What was the issue?”. An hour ago i would watch a youtube video with a motorcycle on beautiful sceneries and i would fantasize about me and her doing that (it’s one of our future plans) and i felt something urgent, i think it was fear. Could it be fear of how much she means to me?
ConfusedParticipantTore*
ConfusedParticipantThe thing is, i feel relaxed? Or am i not? I dont know really, i feel hollow. The only feelings i get are some sparks here and there for the girl and sadness/ kind of panic in the thought of losing her. Yesterday i was thinking of her and i cried, felt as if she has “tear into me” 🙂
ConfusedParticipantThank you anita 🙂
It helped as to make them not affect me as much, but other than that, nothing more.
I believe the root of the problem is either burnout or my own thoughts blocking everything 🙁Let’s see how it goes with the new therapist.
ConfusedParticipantHey anita
Its 10 days for me and i think i don’t want it anymore 🙁 . It turns me into a zombie, no libido and zero dopamine, completely turned my reward system off. It did give me some clarity on the thoughts though, but i don’t like how it works on the other domains. Life without feelings just sucks!
I think my issue requires psychotherapy rather than chemicals. Because before all this i had no issues with my feelings or any chemical imbalance ever. I wanna try and focus on that part only.
ConfusedParticipantI am very bad with numbers and anniversaries haha
Hmm no it’s not the same, i can never really relax, never done that in my life 🙁Yes i try to appreciate my feelings more now 🙂
Btw, can u recall any side effects on escitalopram? I’m on day 10 and i definitely have issues with dopamine. Will it get better?
ConfusedParticipantHey anita
Yes exactly, my feelings/hopes all come and go and it’s weird, never had it happen to me again.
Haha u are paying attention to details i would have never even seen. AI is right, i did panic and analyze/pressure/cried for months. Even the new therapist said that it’s like 2 forces fighting to come out on top (in my head) and that’s what makes me numb. But there are times in the day that i get feelings here and there now. Im trying to work on not pressuring myself but it’s hard. When i do tho, i mentally ‘reward’ myself and i get some “feelings” as a “treat”. Weird way i know haha
ConfusedParticipantHey anita
She basically documented our first meeting which lasted abour an hour and a half (she charged me for one hour) and said that we still need a couple more times to form a better understanding of my situation and that we will set a goal each time i visit and we’ll try to accomplish it. She said she can’t tell if i have ocd/rocd yet, but i do have the 3 things that is usually the baseline for it to develop: guilt, fear, anxiety. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist in the next week because it’s gonna be the 14th day of the SSRI so he wants to see how im doing.
I feel better and more hopeful for the future and i’ve had some good/warm feelings today. I hope it lasts 🙂ConfusedParticipantHey guys
Yes that’s correct anita, he did give me escitalopram that treats depression and could calm my overthinking down a bit. I am still on day 8. I returned from the new therapist appointment and tbh she seemed very nice, like she can understand what i’m telling her without much difficulty. I am hopeful i can help myself now yes 🙂
I like your reference thomas. I think i wanna stick to the plan of trying and letting my feelings come back instead of chasing intense infatuation all the time.
ConfusedParticipantThank you anita 🙂
Well, i think this relationship isn’t the cause of my suffering because it used to be a great joy for a year, i can still be present in the moment and enjoy it sometimes. She is very loving, understanding and overall not toxic at all, so it’s not that. I think i have to work with myself and what causes this suffering, definitely my overthinking.
ConfusedParticipantI think all this suffering is in my head and shows the work i have to do, regardless of the LDR. Because if i imagine ending things, my mind instantly switches to “what if it was a mistake” and ruminating will start. And i know i’ll miss her. It’s not like it’s holding me from pursuing someone else i want. Perhaps this is a good situation to practice choice over infatuation.
ConfusedParticipantBut i wasn’t until i woke up like this in november, it was a sudden shift, not a slow change. So i wanna work on that and the reason behind it instead of quitting
ConfusedParticipantIt’s difficult yeah but idk if anxious attachment is my issue now, more like the OCD.
Why do u say that it’s not working? I believe i haven’t found the balance yet, i gotta focus more on myself yeah.
ConfusedParticipantIt’s hard yeah, i’ve never done it so i might have to adapt to it. I think my main issue is not fulfilling myself, basing too much of my happiness on my partner.
I wanna try to see how it goes with this one 🙂
A new one in person, tomorrow.
ConfusedParticipantHey anita
Sleep was ok, waking up feels bad most of the days tho 🙁
Today the doubts/thoughts came rushing back in. It’s funny cause 2 days ago i was “melting” while looking at her haha. Perhaps i need constant connection or the thoughts come back? I am gonna book an appointment with a new therapist specializing in OCD and CBT 🙂
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