Hello anita, i hope u are recovering well!

I for sure over analyzed everything because i was panicking and didnt know what was happening, but because i cared for her i wanted to not leave her in the dark wondering. But it backfired..

I will never overexplain or analyze to anyone ever again without being sure first. That was a big mistake.

Hi Alessa

I did yes and i felt a bit let down by her responses, but i cant blame her because she felt like i was telling her this whole thing was a lie and i wanted out indirectly.

I shared many things that were not valid (while we were searching into what could have happened to me)

Its difficult to keep score, i usually talk things and move on if i can. I am mostly positive though.

I have huge anxiety, i was trying to find out why this happened and how to get my feelings back, if its the end and so on.

I am catastrophising a lot in my life/relationships and it feels like an automatic mechanism.

I know it probably will sort itself out but i feel like if i deprioritise, it will go away.

That is the part of me that gets activated when in love/infatuation and he is very lovable.

I feel like if i lose her, i lose a great person, but at the same time, i lose this part of myself that resurfaced with her.

I have already told her many many things that might not be true (when it happened to me) because i was looking for traits and i ruined the connection, pushed her away and she got very distant, not at all affectionate like she was in the beginning. I think i shouldnt keep telling her what i find out every day because it will bring her further confusion and doubts. But i have to tell her about my feelings..

I havent tried anything of this sort, never been to psychiatrist before.

I have an appointment though in a month.

In other news, the girl im talking to, said she wants to discuss about me having no “goals in life” because of something i said when i visited, and that triggered me that she is gonna leave me over this, because right now i’m numb and feel no joy, so my goals are not exactly clear.

Hello Alessa

I think i always knew that, but after a while i stopped caring if thats the case.

Yes i didnt feel like relying on anyone tbh, couldnt open up.

Unfortunately i did experience both, never one end of the equation, so i guess that left me..confused? 🙂

I can’t really feel it inside me though, as if im lying to myself.
Thank you very much for your kind words, they mean a lot 🙂

Hello anita

Like i said, i think my mind is not “programmed” to receive love, it feels kinda foreign.

My mind feels like a rollercoaster these days, heavy hopelessness and despair setting in.

Its like i didnt have to care and know all those struggles of life back then, so it was much better and simpler

I am trying but i cant feel it

Hey anita

Well i think its either forgiveness or indifference, or…dissociation? I know i didn’t deserve it but i think i have moved past that.Ofc it was not giving her the excuse to do those things i agree.. Do you think it could still be influencing me?

Funny thing is, i cant give myself empathy 🙂

Oh i think there have been a couple times that she called me “nothing” too, when she was really angry.