@Roberta

I am sorry for your loss. I thought of that and i know it plays a big role, its just that i can’t get her out of my mind and i don’t know why. The only way seems to just tell her to cut contact indefinitely but i know i’ll be still thinking about her constantly. I’ve done it with others in the past, didn’t work. So i am trying to find out what’s going on with me perhaps, idk.

@anita
Psychiatrist said he doesn’t think i’m depressed or something. He said im afraid to let go and surrender and he sees some OCD in me, not depression. But i don’t feel like it. I feel depressed with strong OCD tendencies that focus around this girl.

What you’re trying to say is that i was using her as an escape?

I hope it comes in time, i will try to focus on other things and let my mind rest, but sometimes i think that this is what it craves, problems to search solutions for.

Hey anita

I experienced all those but with a different order that u wrote them, except Somatic one.

At first, when this happened, i woke up with a feeling of “doom”, like something bad has happened and idk what it is. Then depersonalization happened kinda, i was feeling like i am not “me”, i can’t describe it better sadly, like the person i was looking at the mirror wasn’t my true self, even my father noticed that week that i look very aloof/angry and it scared him. After came the cognitive dissociation. I remember not being able to form sentences with ease, forgetting what i wanted to say 10 seconds after thinking of it. I was on discord with a friend of mine, and i would start telling him something, then i would lose the words to form the sentence i wanted and i would zone out in conversations. Even having extreme difficulty texting someone, i would leave 15 people unread because i just couldn’t type words, it was exhausting and hard. Then came Dissociative amnesia, for example when i think about how i was feeling with this girl when i was having the time of my life with her, i couldn’t experience the feelings, it was just distant memories. Even now, when i think back on anything in my life, it’s like i am reading an archive that someone experienced. And finally, i think now i have the emotional dissociation, even though today while i was riding the motorcycle i thought about her, the plans we made, how much we wanted to travel together and i started crying in my helmet and my thoughts were “the back seat is hers only, i dont want anyone else” (and i think i meant it for my life too), then the crying stopped abruptly (like someone closed the valve) and again i felt nothing.

Damn all this is making me paranoid. Sometimes i think “am i doing this because i feel guilty to her?” other times i think “maybe i really want HER but i dont want the distance, so my body is at war with my mind” then i think “maybe i just wanted the feeling and not her?” It’s all entangled and i’ve never had this happen to me before. Usually i was a much simple-minded person

That sounds harsh.. How long were u in that state? Right now i feel depressed af/anhedonia at its peak, like i can’t experience anything at all, nothing touches me, i just exist.

Oh so there were no obvious triggers.
I dont know if it falls under the same experience, but i might have felt something similar on texting with this girl (since that was the communication we’ve been having). After the shutdown or whatever this is happened, talking/texting with her felt like i am speaking with a person that i dont know, logically i know who she is and what i was feeling before, what we’ve shared, but i just felt like i wanted to get away.

No no i havent, actually ive never experienced any of this in general. Sometimes i wonder if i am disorganized or if that’s just me, that those feelings i had vanished and i dont want to accept it. It all feels so strange.

Yes thats how i was feeling too sometimes. My mother was also kinda like yours..
Could that have anything to do with what i am going through now? With the girl, my feelings, numbness and stuff..?

The one that i posted above with the “why did i choose a girl whos far away” but i told her it just happened, she ticked many of my boxes and i started bonding with her. She doesnt believe it, she thinks there is more under that.
What i realized today though is that the therapist might have not taken into account (because i probably didnt focus on it enough) that when that happened, i didnt just shutdown for the girl, i was bedridden for 10 days, couldnt work/eat/clean my house, i was just showering/lying in bed/searching what happened to me.I also felt immense guilt for the girl because i couldnt be present for her.

Instead she focused on attachment issues, which might have not been really the case in this dynamic, because my shutdown/dissociation covered all areas of my life, not just the romantic one. So i might have to focus somewhere else entirely.

Hello anita

I think my mind is off so i can’t think of anything about RED right now haha, but i will try later 🙂

I mean, i can’t control if the other person will cheat, they can do that and i might never find out, so i don’t stress over it. But on deeper things (like sharing my fears, etc) i hesitate.

Fear of intimacy* sorry