Alex there is hardly anything that I could possibly add to what Anita and Susannah have said, except that in your culture there are parents who treat their children as a commodity to be traded off, in this case, an arranged marriage, in order to pacify the parents beliefs, thus stripping you of your individuality. In other cultures, in the United States for example, the majority of the parents do not treat their children as a commodity. The exception being those who use their children to advance their selfish needs. These parents look forward to seeing their son/daughter grow up, get married, and have children. This approach allows for their inherent right to be an individual and to make their own decisions. I see you as an intelligent individual capable of making your own decisions because you respect your individuality. I absolutely concur with Anita and Susannah. I also recommend pursuing a divorce immediately, if in fact you do want to be with your fellow employee. You can paint the canvas however you wish. But whatever the end result, in the end, it is your painting. Should you choose not to pursue a divorce and not live the life with the other woman as you envision, my question to you sir is, who wins? Just as you envision the life you want with the other woman, you should also envision the results should you choose not to end your current marriage and try to maintain a relationship with this other woman. What you see in that vision should challenge you in your decision making. Did you ask to be born? No. Are you a commodity to be used as a pawn to be traded? Only in the eyes of the culture your parents subscribe to. Are you an individual capable of making your own decisions as you make your way on your journey in life? Only you can answer that. Personally I believe you are.

Ray I can actually feel some significant clarity in you. It’s reflected in how you say things. I think you have a very good handle on this. I have to step out for a while but I most certainly will give you more feedback-if you wish. I’m not going to wish you luck in future conversations with him. I’d be implying you need it. You have everything you need Ray. I’ll be in touch and check on you.

Pearce Hawk

Ray this surely must be difficult for you to have to deal with. I can only imagine the pain and confusion going on in your life right now. There is so much going on here that I will ask you for time for me to think on it. But I will offer this. As an ISTJ it is well known that you have some very wonderful qualities. I think that within those qualities are some clues to very powerful assets available to you that you would find very beneficial in your healing. I think if you focus on those qualities, let go of what is going on, if ever so briefly, you will have more clarity in your thinking. By virtue of being human, the personality trait that you have (ISTJ) is also vulnerable to being dominated by serious issues such as the one you are confronted with. As a result of this domination, your higher qualities are overcome which makes it difficult, as you know, to think clearly. You should never apologize for crying Ray. Crying, as a symptom of being vulnerable, is a very normal reaction. It is certainly no indicator of weakness.

How long have you and your b/f been “official?” Are you ok with describing the “issues eith his ex?” I think you should try to find some time with you b/f, alone of course, and suggest that the both of you need to define with clarity, where you both really want to go as a couple. I think you both should also find in that time alone, opportunity to tell each other, honestly, what each of you mean to each other, given the recent reason for the history of this trouble. Maybe through that conversation one of you or preferably both, will come to an answer as to why the events before you two were casually dating, needlessly infect your relationship thus causing a breach in your trust. You said, “I keep getting these thoughts that I should break up with him before he breaks up with ne.” and “I just don’t know if at this point it is better to leave or stay.” I get a sense that this option is on the table. It reminds me of scenes in Western movies with two adversaries facing off and it all comes down to who draws first blood, who pulls the trigger first. This ‘maybe I should do it before he does’ thing is not going to be helpful to you should you want to be a part of making things work out. I say that because those two options side by side, stay or go, nurture doubt.

Have a sit down with him Ray and see if you both can come to terms as to where you both are really are at this point, and where you both are going. This is a good place to start healing. I really would like to see you post progress. Let us know.

Pearce

Kevin,

With that 2.7 seconds being the time frame that our perception of the present, I believe that within that time frame there is a crazy amount of information that we don’t “perceive” because we attach ourselves to what appears beneficial to us, either by experience or a calculated risk, by what is more appealing at the time, consciously or unconsciously. As a result of that attachment, we are limited by not being “aware” or more open of other “things” in that short time frame. If that makes sense…

The reference that was used on this idea of 2.7 seconds…was taken from an article in the July 2017 issue of IDEAS and DISCOVERIES. This time frame was mentioned in an article called CAN TIME END? This article was mind-blowing to me.  As I am typing, I looked for the author of the article and could not find one. So I have drafted a letter to the editor asking to provide the name of the author so that I can read more about it.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by PearceHawk.

Hi Jamie…I hope that today brings the comfort that you need. This will allow you to move on in the direction that you choose. You said, “I miss him quite terribly…”  I invite you to consider looking at this in another light, that perhaps you miss what you once had, pre-ex status, that maybe what you miss is clouded by what you now have. You have quoted him as saying, “Sorry for the confusion…”.   Because he is “in a club can’t talk” what was/is the issue that he is confused about? There is a chance that you are correct too, when you quote him as saying he “he wishes me well,”. Maybe his “emotional connection” to you is retracted somewhat. It looks like one of those things where relationships end, but to those who do move on, quite often you hear things like, but we’re best friends now. I tip my hat to them because they were able to see their relationship no longer works and arable to make amends and move forward, no shame, no blame. In no way am I condoning what you describe of him and his actions. Like I said, maybe you miss what you once had. To be successful in our pursuit of a healthy, loving relationship fulfills a basic human need. To remain attached to what you once had, and sit by as a spectator watching and waiting and hoping for that “if only” moment, or that “I wish it was still us” dream restrains you from pursuing a loving relationship. He has been your “ex of 2 years.” IF you have been on the sidelines wishing and hoping and dwelling on once upon a time, think of all the possibilities you missed out on. It is perfectly fine to miss the memories of what you had. It is also fine that “he wishes me well. Allow the two to ride off into their sunset, thank him for the memories both of you created, and move forward and create the life you want. After 2 years it seems that you have hit that proverbial glass ceiling. I would like you to do this; tonight I would like you to go outside and look up at the stars. As you do this, think to yourself, “There is my ceiling.” Don’t be that person standing against the wall at the school gymnasium waiting and hoping to be picked to dance with. I am confident is saying that there are many people who would love to dance with you. Go pick that special someone, and dance.

🙂

Pearce

Hi Flower…I used to encounter the exact same thing. At one point I realized that I was becoming more like them. When I realized this, I realized that this was happening because I was giving up on my personal constitution. I had a talk with myself, and, my self, and snapped out of it. I realized that these people were miserable long before I came along and will remain so in the absence of self examination and making the necessary positive changes. I refused to get caught up in the, “you know what I heard” gossip. I began to get very selective with what I wanted to say in terms of my outside of work life. I realized that their ecclesiastically superior evaluation was nothing more than cheap entertainment based on gossip. As soon as I became more willing to not invest in their negativity, I became a “snob.” Just another evaluation I guess. Flower let them go. Relinquish your membership to that negative club. You clearly have some very positive aspirations. You asked, “What if they could just understand how miserable they are making us?” Surely you know that this is not possible, unless you give them permission to. What you describe is unfortunately the state of the world. I find it interesting that as adults, we tend to behave in ways that we tell our children not to behave. You are still vibrant and energized. Just let that shine !

🙂

Pearce

Kevin your post about the benefits of a positive mindset along with the link you provided is something that I HOPE people will take a serious interest in. I don’t think that there are a lot of people who have a negative mindset will associate that negative mindset with paralyzing their potential. For those people, blame is always the default to explain away their setbacks. One of the things I believe that are contributory to not reaching goals is a negative mindset. As I continue to strive to be more mindful, and I am forever learning exactly what that means, I try to capture the essence of being “present.” Being mindful and present as much as I possibly can be is key to my emotionally positive mindset. For years I assumed that I knew what being “mindful and present” was. For me, to be “present” means to be aware of the present, the “now.” I say that I assumed that I knew what being present meant until very recently. I recently read an article in a science journal talking about the present. What I read threw a wrench in the gears of what I believed, and I welcome that change with an open heart and soul. What I read was, the present lasts exactly 2.7 seconds in our perception. This is important for me to know because it makes me more aware, of how short of time we have in capturing the moment that we can use to be more positive, if any of this makes sense. It’s easier for me to explain in conversation. Anyway that 2.7 seconds made me more aware that anything after that, is gone, it’s the past, however recent. Those 2.7 seconds of our perception of the present allows me to be more mindful. I was on location when a documentary was made about Warren Zevon’s last moments alive. He said something so profound that I reflect on it every day. He said, “When we buy books to read, we think we buy the time to read them.” Reflecting on that is what made me read the fantastic article in the link you sent. There is no psychological utility in me obsessing on the past, although it does provide me with many valuable lessons, and as I always say, life is the classroom and experience is the teacher. I wholeheartedly agree with your post and look forward to many more thought provoking thoughts.

Pearce Hawk