Hi Mauve,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a turbulent time. The first thing that jumped out me is that you feel insecure and might be looking for sex and alcohol to mask any pain that you’re feeling. You cling to your former lover, you cling to the bottle.

If you have completely fallen for your former lover, then I doubt a friendship with him will help you reconcile your relationship with your husband.

But more importantly, I don’t think a relationship with him will help you reconcile your relationship with yourself.

I think some time alone to do some deep soul searching would be best – why do you feel insecure? was the sexless marriage the only thing that drove you to have an affair? what needs are not being met for you right now?

Rather than looking for sex and alcohol as band-aid solutions, what’s really missing for you deep down inside?

Striking a balance between friends and romance is difficult especially when you find yourself getting along with members of the opposite sex.

My advice would be to join a local club that reflects your interests – a book club, hiking, sports, discussion groups, etc. And don’t be afraid to let people know why you joined which makes for a great opportunity to say explicitly, “I’m definitely not here to pick-up or get picked-up.”

Once other members hear that, they know where you stand and how to approach you.

It may take some time before you find a group that meets regularly and with whom you click, but hopefully within a few weeks, you’ll make a connection with at least one or two people that will foster into a friendship beyond the group’s organized meetings. If you don’t find one right away, don’t be discouraged. Just remain open to saying “Yes! I’ll try that!”

Best of luck and I hope your social circle grows exponentially! 🙂

Hey Trixie,

That’s a really nice thought. I think it’s wonderful that you’re thinking of your friend and want to be supportive and show her that you care.

I don’t know if there’s a hard and fast rule about sending remembrance cards and so I think this is both a personal and cultural preference.

In North America, I don’t believe it’s a custom to send remembrance cards so I wouldn’t do it myself. In some European countries, I understand that the first year marks the end of mourning for a close loved one so I don’t know where a remembrance card would fall into that tradition.

The best advice I could give you is to just ask her about how she’s planning to to commemorate the anniversary. Some people visit the grave of their loved ones on special occasions (anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc) so perhaps you could offer to join her. For some people, past the funeral, any mourning is done privately or with only immediate close family who knew the deceased.

If you don’t know her that well and as you say, you’re “sort of social friends”, this would be a good opportunity to talk and get to know her personal preferences.

“Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” is a beautiful rule, but I would also invite you to consider “Do unto others as they would do unto themselves.”

Follow your heart. If you feel like you’re willing to give him a chance and open to the possibility of him either reaching or not reaching his goals, then give him a chance. If stability and career are an important factor in your search for a partner at this point in your life, then be true to your needs. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is forever. Nothing is written in stone.

Step back and look at the bigger picture. You already recognize that you’re working your body and mind too hard. If anything this experience can teach you that even you have limits and when your body and mind are not at peace, there are repercussions.

“Regret doesn’t mean we did badly. It means we can do better.” – Karyn Schultz

And in this case, I think doing better means taking care of your needs first so that if you need to be in a position to help someone, they’re getting your undivided care and attention.

We all make mistakes. That’s what life is all about. If we can use that mistake to make things better, grow, and change, then that mistake had a purpose and meaning. Don’t deny it happened, but also don’t allow it to paralyze you. Reflect on and nurture the experience into something new and beautiful. A better and healthier you. 🙂

You’re on the right track – wait until such a time when you can have a good heart to heart face to face. If you talk about it openly, honestly, directly, and are both on the same page in terms of values, life goals, lifestyles, and beliefs, than you can decide.

I personally think it’s easier to fall in love with someone from a distance. You don’t see them everyday, their habits, their moods, their good days, bad days, their immediate reactions, their volatility. The few times you meet are so intense because you know that time is precious and you try to have as much fun and sex as possible. How could that not be amazing? Even when apart, everything you experience is tempered by time and distance so odds are you’ll get to experience their better half and even that will be veiled via text, email, skype, or phone. Nothing can replace the face to face interaction to make a decision about long term compatibility.

Because you’ve met only a handful of times, in this case I would say that this “long distance relationship” is not a relationship. It’s agreement between two people to actually putting “relationships” on hold until such a time that they can actually be together over a longer period of time and then start a relationship to see if things work out between them.

While you wait for Christmas, open your heart and mind to the possibility of meeting someone closer to you. You’ve experienced a lot change recently and found a new source of confidence – you now have one potential suitor, who knows what other prospects might be lurking around the corner if you’re open to the possibility. 😉