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John

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Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 177 total)
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  • August 6, 2013 at 12:54 pm in reply to: The passage of time #39853
    John
    Participant

    Hey SC!

    I think you might be on the right track and you’re asking all the right questions. I read the “The Power of Now”. Never finished it, but I read the beginning. I found Tolle’s tone to be a bit heavy handed given where I was at the time.

    Here’s another book that you might want to check-out: http://www.carlhonore.com/books/in-praise-of-slowness/

    Have you tried incorporating a meditation practice into your daily life? If you can still your mind, you can still your life and enjoy it more.

    August 6, 2013 at 9:24 am in reply to: What has more of a meaning? #39842
    John
    Participant

    Speaking about popular culture and romance, since I’ve started down this new spiritual path, I’ve been listening to pop song lyrics in a whole new light and recognizing what a warped and unhealthy view of reality they perpetuate. So much attachment, addiction, clinging, obsession! I can’t believe I didn’t recognize it before.

    “Forever, and ever, you’ll stay in my heart / and I will love you / Forever, and ever, we never will part / Oh, how I love you / Together, forever, that’s how it must be
    To live without you / Would only mean heartbreak for me.” – Aretha Franklin

    “You’re nobody ’til somebody loves you / You’re nobody ’til somebody cares.” – Dean Martin

    “Every breath you take / Every move you make / Every bond you break / Every step you take / I’ll be watching you.” – The Police

    “What you got, boy, is hard to find I think about it all the time I’m all strung out, my heart is fried I just can’t get you off my mind” – Kesha

    “Say nighty-night and kiss me; / Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me. / While I’m alone, blue as can be, / Dream a little dream of me.” – Mamas and Papas

    Hahaha! It’s amazing how twisted this all is. 🙂

    I still love the music and it’s fun to listen to, but it no longer stirs up those unhealthy longings.

    I too have been down the black hole of “What makes the perfect relationship?”, “What kind of love has the most meaning?”, “What is the ideal?”

    Why can’t it just be ordinary, simple, middle of the road? Why can’t it last a day, a lifetime, or anything in between? I think we’d experience so much less churn if we didn’t search for perfection and just accepted what life offers at any given moment.

    It reminds me of Miyamoto Musashi’s 11th precept: “In all things, have no preferences.”

    On a day to day basis, that’s probably easier said than done, but if we spend less time holding ourselves and others to an external vision or standard, we’ll find a lot more peace and serenity.

    August 6, 2013 at 7:37 am in reply to: So he said we could talk…. #39830
    John
    Participant

    I feel for you Kim, I really do. Stay strong.

    I’ve been there before, going back to the space where you shared a love – the smells, sights, and sounds like a barrage on your senses every little thing eliciting a memory and emotion.

    If you don’t have to go back, don’t. If you must, take it easy and one step at time. Don’t rush through it, but don’t linger either. Make a list of things you need to pick up to help you stay focused on the task at hand.

    I’m not a religious person, but I’d like to think I know words of wisdom when I see them and St. Francis de Sales said it best, “Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself.”

    August 6, 2013 at 6:10 am in reply to: so lost #39818
    John
    Participant

    Thanks for sharing Sapna. I find it inspiring to read statements like, “I’ll just let them be.”

    The loneliness and pain that you experience as a result of this breakup could be one of the most liberating, powerful, and awakening life experiences you’ll ever have. I get a sense that you’re already gaining so many more insights about yourself and the world around you.

    I wish you all the best on your journey.

    August 5, 2013 at 6:42 pm in reply to: Anger is my default #39786
    John
    Participant

    Anger is not terrible and there should be no reason to suppress it or prevent it from arising all together. There are no good or bad emotions. It’s what we do with that energy that matters.

    Here’s a silly question, are you an artist? Do you play a musical instrument or write poetry?

    I used to be afraid of my own anger too, thinking that if unleashed, I would hit my wife or perhaps even kill someone. But I know deep down inside that’s not true. When I get angry, I need to write or listen to some really powerful music, or go for a really fast hyper intense run.

    I’m wondering if you had a creative outlet for your emotions, you could possibly do some amazing things; belt out a new #1 hit, paint a canvas ten feet high that embodies your frustrations, take part in a spoken word event and share your soul with the world.

    Maybe that little Jeremy inside who has just come home from the babysitter’s wants to express himself. He doesn’t want to be placated with food! He has a voice and it wants to be heard! It could just be a matter of finding the right medium to express yourself.

    Here’s a little inspiration 🙂

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.
    • This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.
    August 5, 2013 at 6:04 pm in reply to: Am I crazy #39779
    John
    Participant

    Hmmmm. “…the universe sending me signs…” I can’t say I subscribe to that philosophy, but that’s simply my bias which I put out there openly and honestly.

    Could what you’re experiencing be an analogy to the fact that when someone is asked to stop thinking of pink elephants, all they think about is pink elephants?

    I’m wondering if you’re actively working at not thinking about him, trying to push him out of your thoughts. Is he constantly walking in and out of your imagination? Are you having conversations with him in your head only to recognize that it’s happening and then trying to actively suppress those thoughts?

    In my experience, whenever I become obsessed about something, but actively trying to push it out, I find the object of my obsession boomerangs right back at me in indirect ways; in images, sounds, signs (both figurative and literal), TV shows, movies, commercials, the internet, in other people, it’s everywhere!

    And what happens then? Well, you think to yourself, “If I’m seeing these things, then they must be important right? It must all mean something? It must be sign! Right?”

    Wrong! In fact, I’m going to argue that it’s all a hallucination brought about by your mind. The only meaning any person, place, or thing has, is the the meaning that you ascribe to it. And you can choose to make it meaning nothing or everything. It’s up to you.

    But if, deep down inside, you want it to mean something, if you’re still obsessing, if you’re still attached, then if you look closely enough, you’ll probably be able to see his face in the grain of sand.

    I like Matt’s suggestion – breathe in, breathe out and begin to see things for what they really are.

    August 5, 2013 at 5:44 pm in reply to: So he said we could talk…. #39776
    John
    Participant

    I agree with the others, don’t go.

    And there’s that word again, “closure”. I have to be honest, I’m a bit allergic to it myself. 😉 Every time I hear it, it sounds like we’re trying to put our past pains and sufferings in a little box, tie them up with a bow, and place them on the shelf so we can stand back and say, “Whew! Another case closed.”

    But, in pursuit of that closure, we just end up in a constant churn trying to figure out, “What did I do?”, “What did he do?”, “What if I said this?”, “What if he said that?” And round and round we go.

    And what if you just go off the merry go round? What if you just went on with your day to day life and left it all behind? And once you got off and did look back, you would see it spin out of control behind and you’d think to yourself, “Really? Was I on that thing? LOL! I must haven’t been nuts.” 😛

    One foot in front of the other always moving forward. There’s nothing back there, but the future has limitless possibilities. 🙂

    August 5, 2013 at 4:18 pm in reply to: The Law of Attraction #39772
    John
    Participant

    I haven’t read or watched “The Secret”, but from what I’ve heard it’s all about “getting what you want to make you happy” and “what you want” is usually a lot things like cars, money, sex, a house, job, etc. The law of attraction, whether or not it works, continues to perpetuate a unending cycle – I want stuff. I get stuff. I want more stuff. I get more stuff….blah blah blah.

    Nothing wrong with wanting stuff per say, but in seems like a misdirected energy to me.

    I could be wrong.

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.
    August 4, 2013 at 6:31 am in reply to: My Wake-Up Call #39726
    John
    Participant

    That’s beautiful! It sounds to me like there’s a lot of letting go and letting be taking place. Thank you for sharing. 🙂

    August 2, 2013 at 3:00 pm in reply to: Boyfriend's porn watching is ruining my life #39643
    John
    Participant

    That’s great! I’m glad you and are you boyfriend were able to watch the video together.

    David mentioned NOFAP and I have to admit, I tried it myself for a few months and it was great. I think fasting of any kind (sex, food, etc) can do wonders to clear the mind and rejuvenate the body.

    If you needed to share any more arguments with your boyfriend as to why he should eliminate porn completely and cut back on masturbation, here are just a few:

    – it will improve the quality of his erections
    – when he does have sex, he will be able to last longer
    – more testosterone in his system will actually reduce his anxiety and make him more resilient to stress
    – his voice will deepen and he’ll sound more masculine
    – his confidence will improve
    – he’ll want to have more sex with you (if your libido doesn’t match his, there are other ways besides intercourse to give him the release he craves and still help you deepen your connection)
    – he will have more free time on his hands

    While I do support eliminating solo internet porn watching, I don’t believe in eliminating masturbation completely. Some people do. Nevertheless, both of you will find lots support and testimonials from this website:

    http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/

    Here’s to your new and improved sex life! I hope things work out. 🙂

    August 2, 2013 at 9:52 am in reply to: Cannot forgive myself for killing #39600
    John
    Participant

    I think of this parable whenever I’m faced with the big “why” questions that have me spinning in circles.

    “It’s just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, ‘I won’t have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.’ He would say, ‘I won’t have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me… until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short… until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored… until I know his home village, town, or city… until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a long bow or a crossbow… until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo threads, sinew, hemp, or bark… until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated… until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird… until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a langur, or a monkey.’ He would say, ‘I won’t have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barbed, a calf-toothed, or an oleander arrow.’ The man would die and those things would still remain unknown to him.”

    — Cula-Malunkyovada Sutta: The Shorter Instructions to Malunkya” (MN 63), Majjhima Nikaya

    August 2, 2013 at 7:58 am in reply to: Vulnerable and uncertain #39594
    John
    Participant

    Brilliant! Thanks! 🙂

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.
    August 2, 2013 at 7:18 am in reply to: Vulnerable and uncertain #39590
    John
    Participant

    I have to admit, it’s really funny when you look at it. You can’t help but laugh at all the churn one creates out of nothing for nothing.

    LOL! 🙂

    Aversion to clinging. Clinging to aversion.

    I’m actually laughing as I write this. It feels good. 🙂

    I don’t know the “second arrow” story. Please do post a link.

    August 2, 2013 at 6:52 am in reply to: Vulnerable and uncertain #39588
    John
    Participant

    Thanks Matt.

    That’s exactly how I feel. Waxing and waning between aversion and clinging, like a pendulum swinging back and forth. Constantly pushing away, pulling in. It’s not easy to create that space you described, but I have felt it before so I know it’s possible.

    I don’t want to stop the thoughts. I know that’s not possible. I just don’t want to be pulled into their current whenever they rage like a rapid river pulling me away from the here and now and leading me away into fantasy, the past, or the future.

    Oh, just to be here and now and free. That would be heaven!

    August 2, 2013 at 5:54 am in reply to: Vulnerable and uncertain #39580
    John
    Participant

    Thanks Dave.

    I appreciate your response. In so many ways, I am getting ahead of myself.

    Like a primitive animal, I can see my mind ruminating and reeling as it plans, anticipates, expects, get apprehensive, excited, anxious, and stresses about the future of what may or may not be coming around the corner. It tries to control and predict the situation and as you said drive to a particular outcome or vision of what the future should be. So many should’s, could’s, would’s, continue to float around in my head. So much more letting go to do.

    When I started this thread a couple of days ago, I was really taken aback by my reaction to what was ultimately a perceived potential uncertainty, a fabrication of my own mind as it blew whatever was heard completely out of proportion and spiraled out of control. I got scared of myself. To be honest, I thought I was past that. I thought I was stronger. I’ve been working so hard over the past couple of years to gain confidence and not to get so attached, reactive, passionate, obsessed, idealistic and here I was back to square one feeling very much affected, hurt, disappointed, over what? Nothing! An observation. A remark. Not even directed at me, but simply a general observation that I then took very personally. So much more letting go to do.

    Matt’s comments earlier have also helped me recognize that being critical and judgmental of others exposes me to the judgements and criticisms of others. So much more letting go to do.

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