Dear grannyweatherwax,

You’re one of those people who I like to call the ‘older sibling’ type. From the time that you were a child, it was in your nature to attempt to assist others who were struggling with something. You like to help people. Even now, it didn’t seemed to have changed much, just that your depression makes it harder to focus on other people. You also seem to the independent type, rarely relying on others for assistant in your problems. After all, you struggle with the image of being a strong person as ‘weak’ is such a terrible label to you. But the more you enforced that image of supportive, but independent friend/family member, the more people will feel its okay to rely on you, especially when you don’t say no.

Also, you rarely ask for help. Case in point, you didn’t ask for the help of your professor whose job is it to help you find answers to your questions. But unless you ask people for help and tell them exactly how to help you, they won’t know how to actually do anything for you. They are not mind reader nor are you. What you assume you know about them and what they know about you might not entirely be on point. And as a person who rarely lets people see your vulnerability, they probably aren’t acquainted with the fact that you too need emotional support from time to time. Even if you have shouldered your friends’ emotional needs, you cannot expect that in return without actually telling them. You need to ask for things from people, you can’t expect them to just sense something is wrong and do something. Not all people are good at being supportive even when a friend is clearly going through a tough time. Even the ones who have emotional intelligence lack the correct directions to help others in their time of needs. Give them that direction and if they don’t think they can provide it, then ask for something that they can do.

People are not mind reader so you have to start telling them that you have depression, that you are a human with a vulnerable side, that you need help and what they can do for you. It will be difficult since you rarely let yourself rely on others, but it’s time to learn how to let others help you. After all, relationships is about give and take so that one person does not have to shoulder all the emotional burden while the other is just relying on the other for emotional support. That is imbalance and will gradually sow resentment.

Good luck.

Dear Andrea,

The conditions for a stable relationship is mostly based on communications, acceptance, responsibility, commitment and openness. But whether a person will work toward it is entirely their choice. You can have expectation for your relationship since you want it to work out, but you can’t really have heavy expectations in the way of your partner. You can predict their actions and their thoughts, but until they have taken actions of some kind, then you won’t understand their stance in your relationship. You can voice your thoughts on the matter and ask to work on it with them, but in the end, their action is dependent on whether they are willing to commit.  After all, you cannot ask more than a person is willing to give.

Now, there are several red flags for you to think about.

1. When you asked your ex if he was willing to commit to a serious relationship, he had rejected it. So you weren’t going to get the serious and intimate relationship you were hoping for. He had made his stance early on, but you still chose to pursued a relationship. Whether you were thinking he might changed his mind later on, I don’t know, but he had made his stance and people rarely change their decision so easily. Especially when he made it obvious that he is not inclined to commit to a serious relationship that will turn co-dependent in the future.

2. Your thought of “young people” using sex as a way of using people and not holding accountability is quite the prejudice against those younger than you. There are many sexual inclinations as much as there are people in the world and studies have shown that teens these days are actually having less sex these days. So is this thought a projection of what you might be thinking about yourself or your previous partners/crushes? Because projection is from personal experience.

3. You seem to find unavailable men to be attractive. From the beginning it was your obsession with someone who had rejected your confession and after it’s someone who had declined to enter a serious relationship with you. But when that casual relationship seemed to be turning serious, you begin to feel irritated. After the person that was inattentive and distance begin to be more accountable for their share of the work in your relationship, you begin to find fault in their actions. You begin to feel that the relationship might be incompatible. You felt safe, though insecure, when your ex was absence, but felt strange and anger when he began to lessen that distance.

4. It seem that you had a lot of intimacy through your bodies, but very little communications. You went to his house and slept, but didn’t really talk except through text. You want to share your interest with him, but he shows no interest. Everyone has different ways of showing support. Though I advocate that a partner should not have to attend any shows just because their partner has interest since emotional support is shown in encouragement, not attending any show to placate their partner. That just sow resentment. But I digress. Now, even before you broke off, you laid together in bliss because you thought he understood what you were trying to tell him. But the thing is, communication take time and effort. It takes a series of discussions with the parties involved willing to listen to every side and angle. It is vulnerable and messy, but it is open and honest. You can’t ever truly understand a person, but they can try to show you who they are. Even then, it is an ongoing work. So did he willingly listen to your insecurities and did you really understand what he was trying to tell you about himself?

5. Rather than think that this is a good opportunity of growth for him, something that he decides for himself, decide for yourself what you’ve learn from it.

6. You haven’t set good boundaries for yourself.

You can’t fix a relationship that wasn’t there in the first place. You had began a casual fling with someone you found attractive, but who like the physical aspect more than the emotional part of your relationship. But deep in your heart, you wish for that share emotion between two people in a serious, romantic relationship. But you’re not going to get it from your ex. He had told you from the beginning that he does not desire emotional intimacy at this point in time. And now that he is, again, unavailable, you want to pursued a relationship again because you miss him. You want to fix what you think is broken even when your intuition is telling you otherwise.

So what is it that he was filling inside of you that you want him back? Better yet, what is it that he represent that makes him so tempting that you willingly ignore your own intuition to pursue him? What kind of story are you telling yourself about your relationship and him that makes you want to go back? There’s a lot of question you need to ask yourself.

Excuse me for butting in, but I was wondering, did something happened in your childhood, afeels, that make unavailable men attractive to you? Or some kind of trauma that branded a strong impression on you? And is that where your trust issues in men stemmed from?

I’m sorry about your friend JJ, but the thing is, he might be one of those people who flirt for fun, who sees flirting as a game more than a indication of romantic leaning. That, or he’s the sort of person whose gets his validation from people relying and depending on him, much of what you seemed to have done with him as a friend. But that’s only speculations because I don’t know him, but it doesn’t seem that you’ve put away that particular history of yours. What made you mention him in your post, as compare to the other men you’ve dated? And what was it about him that let you opened your eyes?

Also, there’s a possibility that you’re demisexual or something along those lines. Someone who identifies as demisexual doesn’t see sex as a necessary thing in a relationship. Rather, they want an emotional connection with their potential partner before rolling in the sheets, well, if ever. Of course, a demisexual person can find people physically attractive, but they don’t really developed sexual attraction until they feel they are in a mutually comfortable relationship with respect and open communications with their partner. But the thing is, you don’t have to determine your sexuality, sexuality is actually quite fluid so what is attractive now might not be attractive in five years. Determine what you like as of now, but don’t set that as a rigid rule for the future. Also, it would be best to research some key points on sexuality and its explorations because going in blind isn’t always helpful.

About the sex guilt, that’s something you should go over with your counselor. Your feeling of guilt of performing any sexual deeds stemmed from your family’s teachings that being sexual is bad, especially if you’re a female and you’ve been carrying that teachings into your adulthood. You haven’t cast away the guilt, but as long as the guilt is there, sex will always be something that you might desired, but also something bad to do. And that will make sex torture or boring or scary. That will induce anxiety about sex.

Now, have you developed healthy boundaries for yourself? There are many kind of boundaries and they help you defined who you are as a person as you currently are. It also help you decide what you will hold yourself responsible for and what you will not. Without any form of boundaries, you tend to let other people dictate your actions regardless of your thoughts. There’s a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that can get you started. Your counselor can also give you suggestions.

It seems you’re still dealing with your anxiety and that’s no walk in the park and it’s not something that goes away with time. But you haven’t given up hope for yourself and that’s encouraging. You are still searching for yourself, though that’s a journey until death, so take a deep breath and encourage yourself to walk at your own pace. You are probably pressured from those around you to what you see in the media that you need to have your whole self figured out by the time you reached 30, but that could not be further from the truth. If you had yourself drawn and laminated by the age of 30, then where’s the space to grow and learn by the age of 40, 50 and beyond? People change and there’s so much to do in today’s society so why limit yourself? But done at your own pace. After all, you only have this life, why not live on your own terms?

Good luck.

Dear Victoria,

Relationships are not easy due to the fact that not many people can read the human heart and not many people are willing to let themselves be vulnerable to anyone, even themselves.

Now, you are trying to work things out with your ex, but before that, have you both sat down and talk heart to heart about the issues that cropped during your relationship together? You talked about your trust issues and his lack of patience for it yet it is only mentioned about how he gave an ultimatum of being friends with his exes, but relationships can’t function on either or neither. You need compromise in an intimate relationship because if one person get their way all the time, it will only brewed resentment in the other party.

So have you talked? Have you sat down with each other and let out all your thoughts without judgement, without assumptions or presumptions? And it can’t only be just once, such talk require multiple meetings before anything can be digested and each perspectives put into view. You can’t assumed that just knowing that there are issues will mean that both parties will work toward the issues silently. You might have told him your feelings and he told you his feelings, but that was just speaking, not listening. It didn’t seem like you both tried to understand where the other might be coming from and so you wonder if he understood your feelings yet here you are wondering what his actions are suggesting.

Communications is not only speaking, but also listening. He might not be a good communicator, but if he really wants your relationship to work, then he will try. But you also have to try. No judgement, no assumptions about each other’s intentions. You cannot fathom another’s intention because you are not them. Unless you say anything or he say anything and you both try to understand without needing to be the one in the right, you both are leaving a wide area of uncertainty between you.

Talk with your ex, communication is an essential tool in any relationship. If you both don’t let each know about your thoughts and feelings, then only assumptions are there.

Good luck.

Dear Reina,

You’re having the big case of ‘what-ifs’ plus your instinctual reaction of wanting to fix something broken, it’s no wonder you’re hung up on your ex boyfriend.

You have not given yourself the space to let go of this relationship that you have placed a lot of hope in, hoping that he is the one. You have not let go of your hope. Though I wonder if that ‘hope’ came from the need to prove something to yourself seeing as there were many “red flags” you arbitrarily chosen to ignore during the your term together and even now, you wish to ‘fix it’.

So it is delusional to think that your ex boyfriend would be happy to try to ‘fix’ this broken relationship? Yes, it is. He had already made his stance, it is you who is not letting go.

You might not want to give up on ‘people’ you love, but if those people don’t respect nor have any affections for you, are you then being kind to yourself or making a desperate attempt for something else? After all, your relationship can be ‘fixed’ or so you hope, but if your ex boyfriend did not make the attempt the first time, then it’s not likely he will make the attempt the second time when he does not have a reason to.

You’ve shown that you love yourself and that you have respect for yourself by breaking up with your ex boyfriend so why would you want to go back on your decision now? What makes him so special when there were so many red flags during your relationship? Red flags you are willing to overlook to fix this broken relationship.

What stories are you telling yourself about this breakup? Take a step back and look at it without reacting to it. Look at it then ask yourself why are you telling the stories in this particular way?

So rather than focus on the fact that you can’t forget him, you should be focusing on why you can’t forget him. That’s probably what you should be focusing on. This is not about how you can ‘fix’ him to ‘fix’ your broken relationship, it’s about what you’re choosing to ignore in favor of regretting over your breakup. Because you are making your ex boyfriend the subject rather than the object in your stories about your break up and its aftermath, you are not addressing your fears nor are you addressing your disappointment, your anger, your hurt about your relationship; none of which is mentioned in your post. If there were many red flags, what were they and what is your real feelings about them? You need to address that and more about your previous relationship and you need to be honest to yourself about each of them. You don’t need to paint your ex boyfriend as the worse human being on earth, but you need to be honest about his actions and your reactions; also, your actions and his reactions. Most importantly, don’t rationalized your feelings, let them be what they will be.

Take it slowly, one thing at a time. It’s not impossible to move forward, but you must allow yourself the time and space, the compassionate and kindness from you to your heart.

Take care of yourself.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by GL.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by GL.

Dear sparkle00,

The story you’re telling yourself is flawed, though you aren’t alone in that.

Before your current relationship, you carried the thoughts that you didn’t have anything to offer anyone, that you weren’t enough as a person. Now that you’re dating someone, you constantly compare yourself with other women you meet on the street. You tried to tell your partner your thoughts and maybe he meant well when he told you that it was all in your head, but in the end, no matter how much he may reassured you that your relationship is doing well, it won’t be enough. Because you will constantly fear the future, with whirling thoughts of your soon-to-be-over relationship, constantly worried then constantly needing the reassurance from your partner that “it’s all in your head”. So yeah, what you’re doing is a self fulfilling prophecy.

And it sucks, doesn’t it? It’s not like you want to constantly compared yourself to others; you want your own confidence, yet lack the heart for it. But that never ending loop of self-deprecating will never go away until you face yourself. I don’t know what happened to you that you lost your confidence and self-esteem as a person, but I can tell you that it will take a lot of work to build it again.

Many people who loses their confidence tend to begin telling stories about themselves that ripped apart their self-esteem over and over and over again. Others might not see clearly, but you who spent your entire life with yourself is the one who received all your self criticism and your self praise. You are the one to spend your whole life with you, so regardless of what others might tell you, the stories you’re telling yourself will always be the most powerful and the most believable.

So those stories that you’re telling yourself: the ones where you’re no good, where you don’t amount to anything, the ones of you being ugly or not enough, that’s all you. And that ‘you’ will project your rejection of yourself on other people because you can’t believe that you are enough as a person so others will think so too. Even when you meet someone who genuinely wants to get to know you, you will reject their intention as something fleeting because you don’t trust yourself.

The stories you are telling yourself is flawed because you don’t believe you are enough as you are. And those stories are the truth to you because you are the one telling them to yourself. I can direct you to have self-love for yourself but that is one of the hardest thing for you right now seeing as you can’t look at yourself kindly. If you wish to break the cycle, you need to seek help in rewriting those stories. So go look for someone who is compassionate, but has no qualm telling you what you don’t want to hear because the objective truth is not meant to be kind. It’s meant to punch you in the gut because it might take that much for you to face the ‘you’ that keeps telling you you aren’t enough. Because it takes a lot of courage to look for the core reason of that ‘you’.

Have hope as you dive into your heart, it’s not all murky water.

Good luck.

Dear Claire,

You know, society has an ironic sense of humor as it passes down certain expectation to women from their adolescent to their adulthood. From your parents to your peers to the toxic marketing constantly flashing in front of your face. From a young age, girls are told that a good ‘girl’ are sweet, kind, polite, and do not get fussy over petty issues. As a young adult, girls are told to be a certain kind of pretty, smart, but not too smart while holding a degree and a boyfriend in both hands. Then as adults, they should be aware of their biological clock so should be married sooner than later then give birth to tiny, little devils. They should nurture the little devils until they can survive on their own to which they can retired at old age. Why should they do all this? Because for women, it is a responsibility that society has create for them since time innumerable. And since society is all knowing, every woman should follow the path it had laid down for them because if they do, then they will certainly obtained immense happiness from fulfilling their duty. Yes, immense happiness. So GOD FORBID that all your planning goes out the window because life sucks, but the clock is still ticking so better get to it again.

So Claire, you almost got the man, the ring, the wedding, maybe the house and maybe the kid. But now it’s all put on the back burner because life happened so now you have to plan all over again. Yet…yet you know you don’t have that much time left so to do it all over again while expecting any results? Not possible. But you been following the plan so why did it turn out so badly? WHY exactly do you have to start from scratch again? So of course you’re pissed, of course you feel lost. You have put in so much effort only to get nothing in the end, only for the plans to fall apart. Now you don’t any steps to follow so what do you do?

But you need to take a step back and examined whose goal, whose plans you are really following. Because for you to worry about your biological clock when a person is dying means either you haven’t come to grasp with your mortality and so fear the inevitable so you need to do something to distract yourself or that you feel like you’re failing someone or something out there because you haven’t met the goal of get married and start a family. So which is it? Or is there something more to it? An expectation engraved from your childhood? The need to show the world that you’re living the life somehow? The need to compete with your friends or relatives as they start their own family?

Before, you expected to be happy from following the plans of move in, get engaged then marriage then have children and so on, but as you’ve noticed, life sucks and nothing ever really goes the way you expect. So what do you want to do? And I don’t mean what society is telling you which is get hitch, start a family then retired, but what would you actually do if all of that wasn’t a priority? Of course, being a mother is a great goal too, but you don’t really need a man to do that anymore. There are many options out there for single women to have children without the man and the ring. But if that isn’t what you really want, then what do you want?

Sit down with yourself and ask these questions and more. You’re unhappy and you’re lost. Explore these feelings, stew over them. Look for them, look at them. They’re trying to tell you something.

Good luck.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by GL.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by GL.

With every relationship a person enter, there is always the fervent hope that it will work out somehow and you want that person to be the one because he is such a great person who fits with you, who is also a great person. But in the end, you don’t really know that person until they do something that opened your eye.

In the case of your ex, he was your first love so you probably excused some of his behaviors since you don’t have any past relationships to look back to understand his behavior and because you wanted your first relationship to work out. But that he had sex with you after three months of breaking it off with you before and with his history with his previous girlfriend, that really set off alarm/warning bells. Also, the fact that you’ve chosen to be friends just like that even after breaking it off. Those factors together makes it really hard to break it off completely with someone who didn’t really respect you because you’ve invested time and energy into that person. With so much investment, you’ll feel a huge lost if you do nothing so you try to make it work again then his girlfriend came along again so he broke it off ‘again’, key word ‘again’, but you can’t let go because he’s your first love and all the time you’ve spend together.

You’ve wrote that you didn’t know who he was in the end, so that probably meant that he didn’t show you everything that was him so you can be sure that he wouldn’t have done so should you have stayed together. If he wanted to hide himself, he would do so. And it’s not because of you, but rather, it is something he chose to do for his own convenience.

So, he did you a favor by disappearing from your life because if this relationship continued, it probably would have looked like the one with his girlfriend, breaking up then getting back together, again and again and again. Why? Because that’s the way he is, and also he couldn’t forget his ex yet still got together with you. You might not have met many people who treated you so discourteously like that, but you have to understand that there are people who are incredibly indecisive by nature and they do not care about you as much as they care about themselves. So they’ll go whichever way flows with them at the moment, even if that meant hooking up then breaking up then getting back together again in the spans of a few months. That’s the kind of person that they are and no matter how much you want them to be different or change, they will never be anything but themselves. That kind of person is not a good person, especially for someone like you who has yet to understand the conditions of a healthy relationship.

And let it be a lesson to always ignore the other person, the girlfriend in this case, should they contact you for anything less than savory. The girlfriend only contacted you to show her superiority in this messy relationship which means she is capable to do much more, which can lead to danger on your side, should the occasion call for it. So next time, just block it should it happen again. Hopefully, it won’t happen again.

Now, with every ending there will always be grief and sorrow. Since he chose to left, you should choose to respect his choice of not wanting to be in your life, though it’s better for you. So let yourself have the space to grieve a relationship that ended. Give yourself the time to adjust so that you can move forward. There is no closure from him because that must come from you. Closure means the acceptance that a relationship had ended so it’ll come to you once you have completely accepted that your relationship is done. If you need, write an angry letter to him, throw away everything related to him, delete all your photos, go out and dance your frustration away; anything that help you feel better. And once you feel better, know that this experience is something that will help you be a stronger person if you let it.

Take care of yourself.